Breaking Trust
by AntiChrist18
Summary: Calex multi-chapter. Self harm/hurt/comfort. After a late night in the office Casey invites Alex over to stay the night realizing the woman hasn't been sleeping or eating properly. While there Casey discovers something else, something much more serious.. how can she help her colleague and friend? Will Alex let her help?
1. Chapter 1

The ticking of the office clock even seems to be intensifying the pounding in my head. My visions blurring over to an extent to where even closing my eyes doesn't seem to be clearing it. I think going home would be a good idea at this stage but honestly, who wants to go home to an empty apartment? Not me. That's why staying here just seems simpler, at least here I'll meet the night cleaners in the hallway. It's one more person than I'd meet at 'home'.

"You should go home" I hear her soft, yet firm tone from the door. I look up from my desk to her and she looks me over, concerned "when was the last time you slept in a bed? Or even ate a meal?"

I sigh, I can't even remember the last meal I've eaten. I think the last thing I ate was an apple at around 3pm, after court earlier "Um, I went home yesterday-" I start but Casey shakes her head, walking towards my desk

"I asked the last time you slept in a bed, not the last time you went home because I see how tired you are- I'm getting the impression you aren't sleeping" she notes, sitting in across from me and suddenly I'm beginning to feel very uncomfortable with this conversation

I don't want to admit to her how much I hate going home, how much I hate sitting in that dull apartment alone, how much I'm beginning to hate myself and my life.

-oh I need to stop thinking like that. Not when she's around, I'd hate to break down with her as a witness.

"Her" as a witness. I'd easily break down in front of many others, 'friends' and the family who are actually speaking to me but not in front of Casey Novak, my colleague and secret crush.

"I don't know Casey, I've been crashing on my couch and here" I tell her and she nods

"Right, and eating?"

"I eat enough" I open my file again and Casey takes it from desk, putting it with the files in her grasp

"C'mon Alex" she offers her hand and I, being as desperate as I am for even the simplest of touch of hers, take it and once to my feet she encourages me to put on my winter jacket

"Why?" I ask and she smiles, a beautiful white smile, one that goes right up to her eyes where it's transformed to a beautiful sparkle of happiness

"Because, you're coming to my apartment"

As sweet as that sounds I can't stay with her. I can't hold together my public façade while I'm at her apartment! If I let myself slip, show her the real me she'll hate me! I'll never stand a chance with her then!

"Um.. Casey- I'm good here-" I attempt to back out but she almost visibly pleads with me to come with her, her face softens, her eyes dull

"Please Alex- I'd feel much better if you just come over, get something to eat, sleep a little- hell we can even discuss this case you're so caught up in if that's what you'd like. Think of it as a sleepover?" She offers and I bite my lip before nodding, how much damage could I do to our friendship (is this a friendship? Aren't we just acquaintances? Colleagues?)

How much damage could I do to whatever we are in one night? Honestly?

"Okay. I'll come- thank you for the offer"

xx

We walk in her apartment door and my jaw drops slightly, wow, this woman is living in luxury! This apartment is so beautifully decorated, so spacious. It does not look like it's located over a known crack den, unlike my own.

"Sorry about the mess" she apologizes as she picks up a discarded fleece from the couch- that is literally the only thing out of place and she's apologizing! I'd hate for her to see my place!

"It's no problem Casey, it's fine. God, this apartment is beautiful" I look around the living room and a few photos on her mantle catch my eye

I discretely look them over, in one she's rock climbing, in another she's playing softball, soccer in another- all of these with who I assume are family based on appearances. She's very outdoorsy, must be how she keeps in such great shape! Ugh, such great shape. When she wears her tight white shirts for court days you can see how in shape she actually is, her tight abs are really something to be admired.

"What would you like for dinner Alex?" She asks after a minute of silence and I shake my head

"I don't really mind Casey, whatever you're eating"

"You're my guest" she says as she walks into her kitchen and a minute later she returns with a glass of wine each "you choose what we eat Al"

"Al?" I smile slightly at her nickname and she all of a sudden looks very flustered

"Uh- does it make you uncomfortable? I can just call you Alex-"

I shake my head, stopping her retracting what she said "I actually prefer it, as long as I can call you Case?"

"I'd like that- now, answer me" she smiles "dinner?"

"Well, should we get pizza? Do you like pizza?"

She scoffs, as she grabs some menus from the living room table "Take your pick of these four pizzerias, all of which know me by the sound of my voice"

"Ah, so you do like pizza" I take the menus and as we sit into the couch together she chuckles

"Ya know Al, if the whole ADA thing didn't work out becoming a detective should've been next on your list" she winks and I swear I feel myself blush, God I need to hold it together.

Just for tonight.

xx

"Al, Alex- you're falling asleep on the couch" I feel her hand press to my cheek and I groan gently as I wake up

"Sorry" I mumble when I sit up and she shakes her head

"Don't be, I'm glad you're sleeping, I just want you to move down to bed, this couch wouldn't be the most comfortable thing in the world" she smiles and I shake my head

"I should probably go home Case-"

"-it's 2am. I'm not letting you drive home this late, especially after drinking- not very legal of you Alexandra" she jokes with me and I smile, nodding

"Okay, I'll stay- thank you"

"You can stop thanking me Al, I invited you here and I'm happy for you to stay. I'm sure I'll have some pajamas to fit you"

That makes me uncomfortable. I'll have to get changed in front of her, she'll see them. Everything I try my upmost to hide. She'll see what I do, how physically repulsive I find myself.

She searches her drawers and after a few minutes hands me some of her pajamas "These okay?" She's given me long sleeves and legs, that seems manageable I guess

I thank her again and excuse myself to the bathroom to change. I walk in to her tiled ensuite and I splash my face with some cold water, attempt to calm myself slightly, this will be okay. It'll be one night, that's all.

I quickly pull on my assigned pajamas and once they're on I check myself over, nothing visible. Okay, go out, be quick and just go to bed.

"Hey" I smile shyly at her when I notice her eyes rake over me (weird, no?) "you okay?" I ask and she snaps back to herself

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.. They look really good on you, way better than on me"

"Thanks.. so I'm pretty tired-"

She nods and I follow her down the hall to her spare bedroom. We walk in and she begins laying out where things are, extra blankets in the closet, extra pillows too.

"I'm really glad you came over this evening Al.. I know we mightn't be best friends or anything but I'd really like to get to know you outside of that office- you also need to get outside that office more too. Go home more regularly than you are now"

"I go home" I weakly defend and it's very obvious

"How often, say in the last week have you slept in the office?" She asks and I sit on the bed, shrugging

"Not every night.. some nights"

"I'm going to make it my job to be sure you don't work yourself to death"

Work won't be what kills me, believe me, I'll get to it first.

"I appreciate it Case"

I really do, it's nice that she cares but I don't think she realizes what she cares for. What kind of person would willingly sign themselves up for... me?

"So, I guess, goodnight. Sleep well" she moves in to hug me, which I surprisingly don't push away, I don't tense, I let her hug me. I relax against her.

Her hand runs along my back and I sigh, I feel so relaxed in her arms.

We pull apart and just as we do she gasps- causing me to look down- my arm. I pull down my sleeve

"It's, uh- nothing Casey-" I again, weakly defend

"No, no Alex, don't lie to me, I'm not blind, show me your arm" I see the concern written all over her face. I can't, she can't see them again

"No." I attempt to keep her back but she pulls up my sleeve again, showing the deep red cuts that are scarring over, as well as some semi-healed and healed cuts

"Alex, talk to me"


	2. Chapter 2

Her eyes bore into me as I sit in front of her in complete silence. I don't want to talk to her, especially about this and for her to just ask so bluntly, she doesn't realize how hard this is for me- to speak about and to deal with mentally.

"Please Casey" I beg her, my voice breaking "please, don't make me talk about this"

She bites her lip and shakes her head "Alex I can't just go to bed knowing you aren't okay. I want you to feel you can talk to me"

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone! I don't trust anyone- not after how I've been treated.

"Please stop- please" I'm crying now, my head in my hands "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk. Don't make me, please"

I hear her sigh from beside me and her hand runs comfortingly along my pajama covered arm "Al, I won't force you to talk to me, I won't okay?" I look up to her, my tears still falling and she uses her thumbs to gently brush them off my cheeks "you need to listen to me though, you can't hide, you'll only keep getting worse if you do. You obviously don't trust me enough to disclose information and stuff yet but I want you to know I'm here, for when you do feel like talking to me- I'm always here"

Something deep inside me breaks, like a plank of wood just snapping in half and I burst into another round of sobs. I hate myself for being so weak in front of her, I promised myself I wouldn't be.

Why isn't she being awkward? Uncomfortable? She's actually comforting me.

Her arms slip around me, cradling me close- a lot closer than colleagues should be really- I guess we aren't just colleagues though are we? We're friends now- or at least kind-of.

"I'm sorry I made you cry, I shouldn't have pushed you that hard" she apologizes I assume as an attempt to calm me down "I just care about you and I hate that you're in pain like this"

"Why!" I startle her with my snappy tone, making her jump "why" I lower my voice a little "how can you care? Why?"

"How can I care? Alex, you realize you aren't some hobo I picked up off the streets right? I've worked with you now for nearly a year, even if we weren't really friendly outside of work, I care about you" she tells me and for a second I do believe her, she looks so genuine, like she really means it, that second passes when I realize she's probably just saying it to make me talk, to trick me into being comfortable

No. I need to be strong. I can't do this..

"Al, are you listening to me?" She asks me, touching her hand to my cheek "I can't imagine how bad things must be for you to feel like you need to do this, I've never experienced it but I'd like to understand, I'd like you to talk it out with me- a problem shared is a problem halved"

"You'll tell" I sound like a child, like an upset child but it's how I feel, I can't trust her, she will tell people- I don't even want her to know so telling other people really would be a blow- then they'd all know how stupid and weak I am

"Who would I tell Alex?" She asks and I go over it in my head, she's friends with Abbie, Serena, Olivia- people who despite being friendly with them, if they knew this I'd be so incredibly embarrassed

"Olivia... the other detectives, Serena, Abbie" I don't even look up to her, afraid to meet her eyes, I don't want her to see how much all their opinions of me I actually care about

"Alex, why would I tell Olivia and the detectives? It's none of their business and as for Abbie and Serena, yes, I'm friends with them and I'm pretty sure you are too but I wouldn't go behind your back like that? I'd prefer you to talk to me than to run out and talk about you.. I'm not like that"

Oh God, I'm starting to actually listen to this. Can I talk to her? Even just a little bit? Tell her little things? I mean, she's not leaving now, she didn't leave even when I begged her too- why would she leave after I started talking to her-

- because who'd want to listen to all my bullshit problems? What would give her the patience to sit and listen to me moan! She'd leave eventually!

I shake that little voice in my head away, don't listen, talk to Casey. Talk to her, okay deep breath, just talk- tell her

"I-I... um..." I can't talk! I sound like a babbling idiot! Jesus Christ, try and at least get this part right- get something right

"It's alright" she whispers out softly, running her hand over my now greasy blonde hair "you're tired, how about you lie down and get some sleep?"

Wow, that must be a record- the shortest amount of time it took me to push her away, make her fed up.

I nod mutely and pull the duvet over myself, attempting to cuddle into the soft pillows- I just can't get comfortable

I feel the bed lift a little once she gets to her feet and she still doesn't say anything, I close my eyes and hear her feet against the wooden floor. I sigh inwardly, I was expecting a goodnight at least- then I feel her lay onto the bed beside me again

My eyes snap open and she obviously notices, recoiling "Sorry, I just wanted to be here, in case you couldn't sleep or wanted to talk or anything- would you feel more comfortable if I left?" She asks and I shake my head against the pillow

I really wouldn't feel better if she left, I mean, that was so sweet of her to stay..

"Stay" I breathe out and she smiles a little and lays facing me

"Don't worry, I'm here. Sleep okay? I'll be here when you wake up"

"Promise?"

This is not helping with the childlike speak- she doesn't seem to care anyway

"I promise I will be here, okay? Just feel comfortable tonight"

I am comfortable. I never thought I'd be comfortable some where that wasn't the office, yes the office- not my home. Even that sentence should show how fucked up I am.

I let my eyes fall shut and after they do, just as my breathing evens out and I slip into the unconsciousness that is sleep I swear I feel her lips against my forehead- she says something. It's unintelligible but she says it.

I make a note to ask her what she said, then I let myself fall asleep- the first proper (and hopefully undisturbed) sleep I've had in weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake up to the smell of coffee and.. pancakes? I'm not too sure, then I roll over, Casey's gone- yes, making that breakfast you idiot.

I need to ready myself before I go face her, she's going to ask the questions I didn't get a chance to answer last night over breakfast and I need to prepare what I can actually admit to her without scaring her away. Well, I guess by how's she's acting not much will scare her away, she saw the cuts and didn't run. That's something at least.

She's being so good to me, a lot better than I deserve to be treated.

I need to get out of this bed, go down to her, help with breakfast, make myself useful. I stand out of the warm bed and I realize she's left me out a dressing gown to wear down, how sweet of her.

I walk down the hall to the kitchen and I smile when I hear her singing along to the radio

**What would I do without your smart mouth?**

**Drawing me in, and you kicking me out**

**You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down**

**What's going on in that beautiful mind**

**I'm on your magical mystery ride**

**And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright**

**My head's under water**

**But I'm breathing fine**

**You're crazy and I'm out of my mind**

Wow! She has a lot better singing voice than I imagined she'd have. Is there anything this woman cannot do?! I don't recognize this song though.. should I? To be honest I'm hardly surprised I don't recognize it, I was never one to listen to popular chart music- never allowed as a child, oh no, what a disgrace would I be going around singing popular music- they'd much rather I learn Chopin's compositions on piano. With parents like them is it any wonder I'm as messed up as I am?

**'Cause all of me**

**Loves all of you**

**Love your curves and all your edges**

**All your perfect imperfections**

**Give your all to me**

**I'll give my all to you**

**You're my end and my beginning**

**Even when I lose I'm winning**

**'Cause I give you all of me**

**And you give me all of you **

I really want to listen to this song- it's so beautiful! Something tells me I'd rather Casey's version anyway, every word that falls from her lips is like sweet wine- you just want more and more. Even in court, I'd listen to her all day- that's why I love the rare cases we do work together, I get the chance to be in her presence- a lot.

-She starts into another verse of the song and my heart lifts, I think I'll wait here just a little longer

**How many times do I have to tell you**

**Even when you're crying you're beautiful too**

**The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood**

**You're my downfall, you're my muse**

**My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues**

**I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you**

She's singing with such passion and conviction it makes me smile, she means every word of that, you'd swear she wrote the song, like she lived the experience.

She always did strike me as the passionate type anyway.

I decide I do need to go in now, let's face it standing here eavesdropping is getting a little creepy and honestly, with the smell of them pancakes I am getting quite hungry.

"Morning" I smile a lopsided grin at her and she whirls around, jug of pancake batter in hand

"Good morning... I didn't hear you come in" I swear she's blushing, what's making her so shy around me? It's cute. She's cute.

I need to stop! She's a friend, a friend. Nothing more. She'll never be anything more because that would mean actually opening up to her- then I do that and she runs away. So either way I don't get Casey.

She's a friend.

"You're gone the same colour as your hair" I note and that makes her worse, I know it's horrible but I like messing with her

"Shut it" she lowers her eyes and quickly turns back to the pan, pouring in the batter "there's some coffee there, of you'd like it"

I scowl, now she's acting weird "Case?" I use her pet name and the softness in my voice makes her face me

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright? I was only joking around with you" I attempt to make her feel good again, I'm not quite sure what I did but I feel bad for messing with her.

"No, no- it's nothing Al, sorry" she smiles a little then hands me a plate "Betcha I can get it onto the plate without using my hands"

"Oh? Challenge accepted then" I smile and watch as she flips the pancake up into the air and moves it over towards my plate- making it land straight onto my plate

"Wow.. I thought I'd be eating it off the floor if I'm honest- very well done"

She looks very proud of herself and attempts it again- only this time it ends up as I expected the first time- on the floor

"That was a practice one" we both laugh and I help her scrape the pancake remains off the floor

"I reckon using the spatula is an idea from now on, unless I put the plate down here" I sneer slightly, causing her to swat at me

"I'd like to see you try it" she challenges and I scoff

"See the difference between you and I Case is that I know I'd never make that, no matter how many times I tried"

"That's a good point.. Okay, let's actually eat, I'm starting to get hungry"

We sit together at her pine wooden breakfast table eating the renaming pancakes and drinking our coffee and for once I do actually feel happy, comfortable.

"Are you going to talk to me than Alex?" Casey asks as we finish up the breakfast and I nod, I will talk to her- if I can this morning.

I do want to tell her, something anyway, a little bit. I want her to see that things are bad, that I'm in such a low place I have to do this. I feel this bad all the time. No matter how much of a laugh I have things still get bad- not straight away, but eventually.

For example, I had a night out with Abbie a couple of months ago. It was one of the best nights of my life, not a word of a lie. I wasn't drunk, but I was buzzed and Abbie and I both had a really great laugh. We talked about everything, work, women- we just had a great night. I got in home at about 1am, and when I was alone, sitting in my bedroom- it all hit me. Despite having such a great night all the horrible thoughts came flooding back to me, the little voice telling me that I didn't deserve to have fun crept in.

That night I cut so deep I thought I'd never stop bleeding but I needed to be brought back down to earth. I needed to see that having fun is wrong- I don't deserve to have fun.

"Alex? Alex, Al- come back to me" Casey says firmly and I shake my head, coming back to myself and I realize she standing in front of me, her hands on my shoulders "You okay?"

I nod "I-I.. I want to talk to you Casey" I take a deep breath in through my nose and my heart clenches slightly, c'mon Alex, just say something to her.

"Okay, well I can wait Al but I just want you to know, I am here, okay? You tell me anything, I can help you work through it, okay? And I swear- I will not tell another soul without your permission... Alex, if you don't want to talk, will you show me them? As many as you feel like you can"

That sounds like I could do it.

I pull up both of my pajama sleeves, up as far as my shoulders revealing the cuts. I don't think she was expecting to see as many as she does, my arms are covered, the whole way up in a mixture small cuts and rather large gashes and I look up hesitantly, afraid to meet her eyes but when I do I see nothing but care and compassion

"Oh Al" she sighs, running her fingers gently over my wrists "things must be so bad Alex, horrible, but I need you to listen to me okay? I want to help you, I want to be there for you- will you let me be there for you Al? Please, let me help?"

I nod, I can't answer her verbally, I can't risk breaking down even more- I can't risk getting to the point where I'm begging her to stay because I know I would, I'm that weak that I'd beg her to never leave my side.

"I'll be here for you Alex. Please come to me when you need to"


	4. Chapter 4

"This place is so much nicer than mine" I blurt out and she smiles a little, shaking her head

"It really is nothing great, I mean, I've saved a lot of money over the years and I bought the best place I could afford.. It's nice here I have family over and stuff, Thanksgiving, Christmas- I'm the hostess" she smiles and I nod, I like this side of her. I bet she's so at ease with her family, so normal. I'd like to see her like that, laughing and joking. I bet she's even cuter when 'work Casey' is switched off entirely.

"I bet it really suits you, being the hostess, it seems very 'you'"

"Honestly, I do enjoy it but there's just some days when you'd rather just curl up in front of the TV, with a Chinese in your pajamas"

"Hey, it sounds like everyday I'm not in the office" I joke a little- I do spend my day off cooped up in my damp apartment, not necessarily eating Chinese and watching TV but doing.. something.

"Alex, maybe I could come over sometime? Ya know, we could spend some time together? It might make things a little.. more interesting- only if you want to of course" she suggests and I know, she means well but I really couldn't have her over to my apartment, it'd be a disastrous day from start to finish

"Yeah maybe" I take another mouthful of the glass of water in front of me and Casey raises an eyebrow

"You aren't keen?" she sounds almost upset and I shake my head

"No, it's not what I mean Case, I'd be happy to spend some more time with you- just.. not at my place"

Casey let's out a small sigh "Al, what do you assume is wrong with your apartment?" She asks and I scoff, where to start?

"It's a horrible place. It really is my own personal hell Casey- and I'm not going to subject you to it" I'm surprised I said that much if I'm honest

"Wow.. okay- I assumed you'd live in some big place- bigger than mine I mean, flashy.."

I scoff, running my hand through my hair "As if Case.. no- my apartment, believe me, it's worse than anything you can imagine"

"Well why don't you bring me 'round? Let me see, we can look into redecoration, so it isn't your 'own personal hell'?" She suggests and I shake my head, I mean- I cannot take her around to my apartment! I actually can't even be considering it "Please?"

"Maybe, Casey, I don't know.." I pause for a minute, maybe I should have her over? I mean, it'll be horrible and she'll be disgusted but she might just see how much of a mess I am, she might leave- let's face it, it'd be easier now than when we're closer in two, three, six months time "actually, yeah. Ya know, you can come over whenever but.. just call first, give me a little bit of a chance to attempt cleaning.."

"Alex, you know you don't have to especially clean for me? Like, we could go now.. I don't care if the place is brimming with clothes- I just want to see what the buildings like, not the actual apartment"

"The building isn't great.. It's not in a good neighborhood"

This seems to worry her "Remind me to walk you home from now on please" she chuckles uneasily but I see the concern written all over her face "You know I won't judge you on any of this don't you Alex? I mean, I'm sure once we talk more in-depth about everything I'll understand why you are where you are"

"Do you actually want to go now?" I ask and she shrugs

"Whatever you're comfortable with Al"

"Okay... we'll go now then" I tell her and she looks rather surprised

"Good. Okay, give me a few minutes to freshen up and we'll go"

xx

I walk nervously in the door of the apartment building that can be called dilapidated at best. I'm suddenly much more aware she's with me, I want to wrap my arm around her, show she's with me- "intruders" aren't dealt with well around these parts

"Casey" I whisper as we walk up the stairs "hold my hand"

She doesn't think twice, just takes my hand- god she must be frightened. We walk across this level neither of us mentioning the very obvious stink of marijuana through the halls

I quickly unlock the door of my apartment and usher her inside- anything to get out of that intimidating hallway.

"Intimidating"- my god, I'm personifying hallways now. This is a sad time of my life, I'm afraid of what could happen to myself and my friend in my own apartment.

"Well you weren't lying" she says, still holding my hand I note "even that hallway gives me the creeps.. you're a lot braver than I am, coming home to this place every night.. or when you do come home. I understand why you sleep in the office, especially during cases"

I nod, regretfully letting her hand go "Would you like a drink- I'm pretty sure I have some coffee"

"I'd love some" she smiles softly "would you mind if I looked around a little?" she ask and I shake my head

"Go ahead, I'll make the coffee while your touring" I walk into the cramped kitchen praying silently that I do actually have some in-date coffee stuff here, we know I'm not home often but I need to make it look like when I am actually here that I don't just stay in bed all day.. literally in bed, no food.. nothing. I just rest. I'm not really sure why? Maybe because I'm safer there than anywhere else, less likely to be contacted or disturbed and even if I am nobody would know I'm here.

I grab the coffee canister from the counter top and I smile, there's enough there for two cups

I know for a fact there's no milk so I hope she doesn't mind her coffee black. I throw a couple of sugar cubes into my cup and one into Casey's and as I turn to find her cups in hand, I find her behind me

"Alex, you cannot stay here" she says gesturing to the apartment "I wouldn't feel right with you being here! I mean, I'm pretty sure drug gangs are living downstairs and even on this floor- you can't stay"

I scoff "Case, do you honestly think I'd stay here of I had ANY other option" I sigh as I hand her the cup "I'd move in a heartbeat if I could afford a place-"

"Could you try a motel?"

"Yes, because that's an improvement" I say sarcastically and she smirks

"Good point. Okay, well I'm going to suggest something here, don't shoot me down straight away... you could always stay with me? I have my spare room and the place is big enough for us both.."

"Casey- no I'm not doing that-"

"-Alex" she interrupts me "listen, it's not like you'd be freeloading, we could work out a manageable monthly or weakly rent, I just can't think about you living here alone for any more time than absolutely necessary- I'm pretty sure I heard a gunshot when I was looking out the living room window"

"Casey, I don't think I'd be comfortable invading your home like that" I try to explain as I drink down more of my coffee and she scowls at me

"Alex, do you really think if I thought you'd be invading if have offered? C'mon, we'd have a great time, it'd be like a permanent sleepover"

"One condition" I smile inwardly "You never attempt to serve up breakfast again like you did this morning- I think when you start tossing bacon and eggs like that things might start getting messy"

She chuckles and offers me her hand "Deal... roomie. Can we please start packing stuff up? I think the drug fumes are starting to get to me- how did you end up in an apartment like this after getting a law degree? I mean, you and I both know college was not cheap- student debts?"

"Yeah, I wish that's what it is.. I'm not really comfortable talking about it yet Case, could we maybe pack up tomorrow? We could go for dinner or something now.."

"Of course! Oh my God, yay!" She shrieks in delight, something I never thought I'd see her do

"Something I'm missing?"

"We'll now that I'm not lonely I can actually attempt cooking, since there's two of us meals seem to be worth cooking- I'll start tonight by whipping you up an amazing meal!"

I nod, and bite my lip holding in my laughter "Casey, have you cooked much? From what I can tell you live on take out?"

"There's a first time for everything right?" There's a pause and I consider suggesting take out, that is until she laughs "I've cooked before Al, I actually did Food Studies in high school"

"Right.. okay, that does make me feel relatively better- Casey?"

She meets my eyes as she turns back from where she'd began washing up our cups "Thank you" I tell her "for offering me a place, it was very sweet of you. I don't think even my other friends would be this good to me"

"It's no problem Al, happy to help- I mean it, I'm here for you now" she walks back over to me and runs her hand gently over my black long sleeves "I want to help, getting you out of here seems like step one"


	5. Chapter 5

**_AN: from here on out the story will explicitly mention/describe pretty heavy topics, not just of self harm but various abusive situations. just a warning, some scenes may be distressing to some readers._**

xx

"ALEX WAKE UP!"

I jump awake, my breathing erratic and my heart racing- then I notice Casey, who quite frankly looks terrified from her position at the side of the bed

"Alex? Are you alright?" She asks, her own breathing not too steady- I scared her? Why, what was I doing?

"I-I'm fine.. why? What was I doing?" I ask and she scowls slightly

"You were calling out, crying.. Alex, did someone hurt you or something?" She asks and I sigh lying back down

"Casey, I appreciate you waking me up, please just go back to bed. I'll see you in the morning" I face away from her, I don't want her to notice the tears in my eyes

I feel really bad about pushing her away, she's only trying to help me but I can't talk about it. I didn't realize my 'nightmares' were a regular thing, I thought they were only coming and going. If I'm going to stay here I'll need to keep awake that little bit more, just so she can fall asleep before I do wake up distraught

"Al, I'm not leaving.. you were crying 'no, don't, stop please' do you really think as a friend I could walk away from you? Please" she sits onto the bed beside me and I shake my head, mumbling several expletives under my breath- she's stubborn, a quality of hers that I wouldn't be the biggest fan of right now

"Casey.. I really don't feel comfortable, please"

"You realize you can't hide from me forever right? Eventually you'll need to tell me something. Just a yes or no answer would do for tonight, did something.. happen?"

"I was assaulted" I admit, not giving her any time frames, that'd be all I'd need, her asking questions about what he did, how he did it, how long did it go on for.. why I waited so long to tell.

"Assaulted.. how?" she breathes out and I notice her lack of physical contact, she doesn't want to touch me

"Casey- please.. I just want to sleep"

I know, she must feel like she's hitting her head off a brick wall, she's getting no information from me but it's difficult. I can't just spill my guts to her about this- last time I went about that I ended up hated by my family- with the exception of my grandparents, God rest them.

I couldn't take it if she hated me too- if she saw me differently.

She stands off the bed, placing a small kiss to my forehead as she goes to leave.. for comfort? Yeah. Its for comfort. Of course it is, what else would it be?

"I'm just down the hall if you need me Alex. Thank you for talking to me"

"Night" is all I can bring myself to say back, I'd imagine a thank you would've been more appropriate or a 'sorry for waking you up'

She leaves and I bury my face into my pillow, I'm such an idiot. I've told her I was assaulted then kicked her out! She must be so worried. What have I done!

I get to my feet, deciding to go down and get myself a drink, tomorrow I'll talk to her properly. Even that thought scares me, she's been so good to me I should at least offer an explanation to why I'm here

I walk down past her bedroom and I notice she's left her door open, she probably wants to hear me incase.. She really cares about me and I'm being such a bitch to her! Ugh. Not helping with how in feeling about myself at the minute.

I creep down to the kitchen and turn on the lights as I walk in, it's so weird being here instead of getting up to my usual hellish surroundings

I pour myself some water and stand in the kitchen just thinking as I drink it. My feelings for Casey are really starting to develop, she's just being so good to me and she's so caring.. I don't know how the hell I managed to get someone like her to be friends with me. Friends, that's all she is to me- that's all she'll ever be.

I leave my glass into her dishwasher and rock back on my heels, I don't want to go back to bed, it's not like I'm sleeping anyway.

My eyes are drawn across the kitchen to the set of steak knives on the counter, I really want to feel the blade against my skin, I'd love to do that right now but if Casey found out she'd be hurt, hurt I didn't come to her and instead I did this..

-Does it really matter though? She'll be hurt, sure, but she'd get over it in the end. Just a couple of cuts, small little gashes up my arms, it'd really help. Just something, anything.

I walk over and grab the smallest knife, inspecting the blade- I need to be careful, I do not want to die, believe me there have been more times than I can count when I wanted to die, when I would've loved to jam a blade so far down into my arm that I'd bleed out. I really can't say what stopped me, why I didn't do it. I'm glad I didn't to be honest, things have been rough- beyond rough- but right now I don't want to die.

I just want a couple of cuts.

I bring the knife down on my arm, a few inches below my wrist and even a couple of grazes across my arm with the knife breaks the skin. I watch the blood drip from my arm and once it begins to pool from the gashes I realize I need to lean over the sink to prevent dripping blood onto the tiles. I run the tap, washing the excess blood away and as the bleeding begins to slow down I decide to wrap my arm up and go back to bed. Maybe now I'm not as caught up in my head, now that I've actually managed to relax a little bit I may actually get asleep.

I turn to walk out of the kitchen and when I do I jump seeing Casey standing at the door

"Feel better now?" she asks, snapping slightly and I bite my lip, lowering my eyes

"Yeah" I admit, I do feel better I won't lie. I feel like I could sleep now, much more than I could after I woke up with Casey beside me "I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize to me, it's not like you mean it"

Okay, I've pissed her off then.

"Casey" I attempt to reach out for her but instead she grabs my wrist and turns over my arm

"Look Alex! I know things are bad with you but Christ, I'm trying my best to help you get better! Why couldn't you come to me instead of coming in here to do this?"

"I-I was just getting water at first Casey, I promise you! Then I saw the knives, I wanted to do a couple.. I should've came to you. I'm sorry" I sound uneasy, I'm really forcing out this sad attempt of an apology but it's not like I cant lie very well to her about this- she knows I wanted this

"Now will you come and talk to me? I can't have you sneaking around behind my back doing this.. Please, help me understand what's causing this?"

I don't think she'll let me put this off much longer, I'll need to talk to her- about something at least.

"Fine, I'll make us some coffee, you go back to bed"

"And leave you here? No chance"

I don't blame her for not trusting me to be left alone- I don't really trust myself to be left alone.

Ugh, I just wish for once things could be normal


	6. Chapter 6

She inspects the gashes on my arm, her eyes clouded with an emotion I'm sure I don't recognize. I can't read her and it makes me feel very uneasy.

I pull my arm from her grasp and her eyes meet mine "Alex, you were assaulted? Please, tell me what happened" she sounds so upset and I sigh

"I-It was a long time ago Casey.. This is stupid-"

"No, it isn't. You just think that because you have to say it out loud but it's obviously a problem for you.. keep going 'Lex" she takes my hand into hers and I nod

"Okay. Uh- well, you asked why I lived in that crummy apartment? My 'Cabot trust fund' was cut off when I was 16. See, growing up, things weren't... well they couldn't even be described as bad, I hated every minute I spent under that roof thanks to my parents"

I take a deep breath, gathering myself together, or at least trying to "When I was- um- 7, nearly 8 it started- the abuse"

"Physical?"

"Yeah, that and mental, emotional... sexual"

I hear her gasp, whether it's in disgust or surprise I don't know- both maybe?

"Sexual? 'Lex, w-what happened? Who-?"

"My father.. H-He touched me Casey, in ways he shouldn't have. I was only a kid, I didn't know- He told me I had to keep it as 'our little secret'- it went on for such a long time"

I feel myself start to break again, the tears rolling down my cheeks and then her arms slip around me "Listen to me, Alex, okay- that was very wrong, what he did to you. But you said it yourself, you were only a kid, you didn't understand-"

"I told her when I was 16" I sigh "I was sick of being.. 'Daddies little princess'" I nearly choke on the words as I say them and Casey's hand roams comfortingly over my back as she tried calming me down "She lost it at me Case, freaked out- told me I-I was wrong, it didn't happen- I knew better. Told one of my teachers at school and she called around"

Casey's other hand runs through my hair "What happened?"

"I had physicals done.. they saw sexual damage, tears that shouldn't have been there- with my testimony he was put in jail"

"Wow.. really? Alex, that's-you were so brave" she smiles softly at me and I offer a watery smile in return

"I-I... I thought since he was found guilty Mom would support me, ya know, she'd be sorry for all the horrible things she said"

"She wasn't?"

I scoff "That's an understatement. I was banished Casey"

"Banished?"

"She kicked me out, after the trial, two weeks before my seventeenth birthday she kicked me out. Said since I wanted to be such a grown up I could go out and be a grown up- I ended up moving in with my Grandparents- to my Mothers horror. I finished school and went on to do my law degree, with their financial and emotional support. My grandparents didn't have much money- they were my Mothers parents, so they just barely got me through school- I didn't want to take what little amount they had left over so I just rented a place- but I got kicked out of there and ended up in that hell"

I take another deep breath and continue

"I haven't spoken to my Mother since the day she kicked me out and my Grandfather died 4 years ago, my grandmother died last year"

Casey shakes her head "Alright, I understand why everything's so bad. I can't imagine how you've been feeling without them, I mean it must be horrible feeling so alone- you know you aren't, right? Not anymore- you have me Al and I-"

I cut her off, to mine and what I'm sure is her surprise with a kiss.

It really is amazing- and this could be the tiredness in me speaking, since it is some time around 3am but she's kissing me back! Maybe she does actually like me too?!

Oh wow. She's amazing. Her lips are so soft and the way she's moaning against my lips-

"-oh wow" she breathes out as we break apart "that.. was wow"

"Two wows? I didn't think I was that amazing but thank you"

"You are most definitely that amazing" her hand touches my cheek "Al, that took a lot for you to admit and I just want you to know- and no kissing this time" she smirks a little, making me smile too "I am here for you Alex, alright? I want you to know I'm around for you, whenever you need me- don't go to the kitchen and hide from me, come to me, anytime"

"Thank you- for everything, listening, talking, comforting- kissing" I smirk and she raises an eyebrow

"I think that implies more than one kiss 'Lex"

"That can be arranged" I lean in and kiss her again and what starts as an 'innocent' few pecks turns into a full-blown make out session in her bed

xx

I wake up beside a slumbering Casey and I smirk seeing how beautiful she looks, even sleeping she looks like an angel. I lick my lips, noticing her pajama top had ridden up, revealing her beautifully toned stomach

Ugh what I wouldn't give to run my hands over her body

Wow. I sound very friendly don't I?

I chuckle to myself, this is moving very quickly- I mean I fell asleep last night in her bed after what was at least a twenty minute make-out session!

I guess though, I've told her everything from my childhood, I don't think I've ever been so comfortable with anyone, she just has this quality that makes me want to open up to her. I feel so great with her.

"Whatcha thinking about Al?"

I jump at her voice "Sorry.. Just thinking about last night"

"Which part?" She asks her arms slipping around my waist and I move in a little closer to her

"All of it. How sweet you were to me when I told you everything, then how amazing you were when we started kissing.."

She blushes a little, making me smile

"Thank you though for last night, talking to me.. I really needed to talk about that stuff and to have you around for me, just thank you"

"Can I ask you something? And I don't want to put any pressure on you about anything but-uh- you have feelings for me right? That wasn't just a vulnerable moment or anything"

"No, God, no Case, that wasn't a vulnerable moment at all. I have feelings for you and I have had for a while Casey"

She beams brightly, a really satisfied smile "I've had too Alex. They grew when I saw how lost you were- I realized I wanted to be the one to take care of you, help you feel better. I want to be there for you"

"Well, I want you to be there for me too- and of course I want to be there for you too. If you do ever have a problem-"

"You'll be the first person I'll come to"


	7. Chapter 7

We unload my last boxes of stuff from her car and carry them up to the spare room where I'm sleeping

"So, this is it" Casey smiles as we walk in the apartment door "how're you feeling? No regrets I'm hoping?"

"Oh yeah, huge regrets, please rush me back to my rat infested drug flat" I say sarcastically and Casey chuckles dropping my box with the others

"Alright so, no regrets. Ooh, I have a question"

I raise an eyebrow at her excitement "Question? Ask away"

"Will you do me the honor of coming out with me for dinner as my date"

"How very formal of you Cassandra, you'd give the Cabot's a run for their money" I tease and she rolls her eyes

"Would you prefer me to ask you out in a more informal way? How about I do it the more modern way, I'll "Facebook" you- or whatever the kids are doing these days"

I leave down my box and wrap my arm around her waist "Case, you are way too young to be using that phrase yet- give it twenty more years and even then, only use it at times.. So a date" I can't hold back the smile dying to bust from inside me "where are we going?"

"Wherever you want" she says incredibly smoothly without skipping a beat and I nod, she's making me feel very special, like I'm a queen

-The Ice Queen more like..

No, I'm refusing to think like this today, not when I'm being happy. C'mon, things are good, looking up! Don't be negative.

-what goes up must come down. What can go wrong will- everything finds a way of fucking you over Alexandra, as always

"Hey" I feel Casey's hand against my cheek "where'd you go Al?"

"Nowhere, sorry. I was just thinking of restaurants" I smile at her and thankfully she buys it and kisses my cheek

"Okay, think fast though, I'll need to make a reservation for tonight- but for now, lunch? What can I, as your amazing personal chef make up for you?"

I'm not really hungry, I haven't been eating full meals at regular intervals over like the last.. as long as I can remember and well with breakfast, lunch and dinner I'm feeling kinda piled-on

"I'm actually okay Casey, I'm not really that hungry- anyway, I'll need to save room for dinner tonight"

"Would you prefer an earlier meal then, I mean by like 5pm won't you be starving? A late reservation might be a bit much?" She asks and I shake my head- I love how much consideration she's putting into this, she really just wants to make me happy and it's so sweet

"No, honestly, I'll make myself up a sandwich later, don't worry about me- however, right now I'm going to go have a shower and pick out an outfit for tonight- I'll consider my restaurant options while I'm gone, alright? Thank you for asking me and being very lovely"

"I live to be lovely- enjoy your shower" she smirks and kisses my cheek as she walks by me to the kitchen to start on her lunch and I sit on the side of my bed for a minute gathering my thoughts

We're already so comfortable together, we're acting like we've been out on several dates- last night has really opened us up, brought us closer. As difficult as last was to talk about, as awkward as I felt revealing some of the most horrible experiences and feelings of my life to her I really think it was worth it, for us, whatever 'us' is.

xx

I pull on my long sleeved jacket over my red dress and I look myself over once more, no visible scars anyway. I pull my dress down again, straightening it out and and shift in my jacket, okay, I may be slightly nervous. Casey Novak is just so perfect and really respectable, I-I want to feel good enough for her, I want her to be proud to have me out. I don't want to let her down.

-you always do though, that's the thing, no matter how hard you try things never end up as you want them to. You end up dragging blades across your already destroyed skin in an attempt to feel something that isn't just complete self loathing

I need to get out of this bedroom, I need to go to Casey. She'll stop me doing anything.

I hurry out of my bedroom down to hers and I knock on the door, hearing her call me to come in

When I walk in I almost have to pick my jaw up off her bedroom floor, she looks so beautiful. She has her hair wavy, framing over her perfectly make up brushed face, her body is hugged beautifully by her breathtaking strapless black dress and to top the outfit off she's wearing a set of black 'fuck-me' heels.

I'm pulled back from my very explicit thoughts by her small chuckle "Enjoying the view 'Lex?"

"I-I-I.. you're so beautiful Casey"

Her heels click along with the thumping of my heart as she walks across the pine wood floor "Well thank you, you know I'd have to say the same about you right? That is such a gorgeous shade of red on you, it compliments your skin tone amazingly" her hand runs over my side under my jacket "also can I just say, the jacket is not at all necessary for me anyway, I know you might be uncomfortable" she says as she takes off my leather jacket "and that's fine, you can put it back on before we leave- but you're not hiding these around me. You're beautiful, these included" she presses a gentle kiss against each of my wrists and I'm on the edge of emotional wreckage

I can't reply to her and at my lack of response she looks up and meets my eyes "Hey, it's okay- you can put your jacket back on if you like?" she offers thinking she's upset me and I shake my head, pulling her into a kiss

"I-I see them as ugly and horrible.. knowing you don't, it makes me feel better about myself. Thank you"

"It's you.. how could I find you anything but beautiful?"

Tears fall from my eyes despite my best efforts to hold them back and upon noticing she obviously feels very bad

"I-I didn't mean to make you cry Alex"

"They're happy tears" I tell her and she seems a little more ease as she wipes away my tears

"I'll stop talking until after dinner, shall I? Don't wanna ruin your very beautiful make up- just one thing" she moves in and presses her lips to mine softly and then pulls back "Yeah, now your lipstick is perfect"

xx

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask that evening as we take the 'scenic' route back to her apartment- or as scenic as you can get through the city

"Of course Al, everything okay?"

I think back to my thoughts earlier, biting my lip, this annoyed me and if anyone would know the answer to my question she would "Do people at work actually call me The Ice Queen?"

She sighs, taking my hand into hers "Alex, you shouldn't listen to stupid office talk-"

"Casey, do people call me it or not" I snap at her, it's been on my mind a lot since our conversation this morning and I don't want her sugar coating it, if she's heard people say it I want to know

"I believe it's thrown around between some attorneys- and detectives" she admits and feel the tears pool in my eyes again, what the hell is wrong with me! I'm crying at everything, I wish I'd stop being so weak

"Detectives? W-Who calls me that?"

I thought these people were my friends? Or at least friendly enough with me to call me by my name and not some horrible nickname

"Alex, does it really matter?-"

"Of course it matters! Christ Casey, I want to know who thinks of me like that!"

"I've heard most of them use it at one time or another Alex- b-but it's only a stupid nickname, okay? I don't think they mean offense by it"

"It implies I'm emotionless"

When I'm not, most things hit me a lot harder than people assume, this nickname being a prime example- people use it a lot apparently, 'friends' use it, I don't think even Casey realizes how much it gets to me. I hate the idea of other people thinking I'm a heartless bitch, I'm not

"Anyone who knows you really personally hasn't used it"

That makes me feel worse rather than better, she knows me more personally than all of them detectives put together so her words didn't offer much comfort

"Have you used it?" I'm almost afraid to ask, terrified of her answer

"Not once. I think Cabot is sufficient when we're in the courthouse, don't you?" She smiles and I nod, latching to her, trapping her body close into the hug

"Thank you"

"You shouldn't listen to them" she tells me as we pull apart and she tucks some of my hair behind my hair "you're not emotionless, or icy- you're driven at your job because you want justice for the victims- if that's being icy well than me you and every other ADA across the board are all icy"

She's right, I shouldn't listen, I shouldn't care about what they think or say about me but I just do. Maybe it's a lack of self confidence?

"I'm sorry I brought all that up tonight after what a great time we had-"

"Don't be silly" she interrupts my apology "when you need to talk you need to talk- whenever you want- I mean it"


	8. Chapter 8

**_AN: the M-rated flashback in this chapter (in italics) can be skipped if you're of a sensitive nature._**

xx

We sit together on the couch on the second movie of the evening, Batman Begins, at her insistence. Honestly? I never got all this superhero stuff, Spiderman, Superman, The Incredible Hulk- they were just never my films. This film is quite bearable, more so than I was expecting it to be.

I see how excited Casey gets over certain scenes, how she explains things in detail to me because she knows I'm completely lost. I smile, kissing her cheek as the credits roll, as much as I don't like movies like that watching them with her makes them very enjoyable

"Well, was it as bad as you were expecting it to be?" She asks and I shake my head, smirking

"No, it was actually enjoyable- but don't quote me on that"

"Oh good! So you'll try watching The Avengers?"

"I will, but not tonight- tonight I'm all superheroed out, I need to get some sleep"

She pulls me in close to her before I leave, dropping kisses down my neck- an action that is very welcomed. I moan at her featherlight kisses against my skin and she pulls back, smirking

"You're very beautiful"

I blush at her compliment and thank her. She's said that more in the last couple of days than I think I've ever heard it in my life. She makes me feel genuinely beautiful- despite my imperfections- as many of them as there are.

I run my hand under her shirt over her stomach and I exhale unsteadily "You.. feel amazing Casey. You keep in such good shape"

"I try to. I'm glad you appreciate it" she smiles and I growl a little

"I do appreciate it- a lot. Now, as lovely as this is here I need to sleep" I regretfully stand away from her and kiss her once more

"Good night Case"

"Night 'Lex- I'm glad you had such a great evening"

xx

_I pull my lemon yellow pajama top over my head, my heart racing. I hate bedtime. _

_I jump into my 'Princesses' bed and pull my heavy blanket over my head as well as cuddling close to my teddy bear- Rozzy. I really really don't want him to come in here tonight, I just want to sleep tonight._

_It's very quiet, tonight I don't even hear Mommy talking. Maybe she went to town with Aunty Helen again? Mommy goes out sometimes at night.. them nights with Daddy aren't nice. Our game lasts for such a long time and I always hurt so bad. _

_I close my eyes, trying to get to sleep, maybe if I'm asleep and he comes in he won't do it? Maybe I'll get a rest._

_Then I hear Daddy come up the hall, whistling his usual tune. I close my legs tight, I don't want to play tonight, I don't want to._

_The hinges creak on the door signaling his entrance and I start false snores, I don't even know if I snore, I'd just try anything to stop this. He knows better and strips back my blanket _

_"Open your eyes for me princess" he breathes out against my ear and roll over onto my back, opening my eyes "There's my great girl" his hand touches to my cheek and he smiles evilly at me _

_"Daddy, can we not play tonight? I-I'm sleepy tonight" I tell him and he shakes his head as he crawls onto the bed with me _

_"Oh Princess, not tonight. You can sleep after" his tone is firm, authoritative- I don't have an option about this, I need to just lie here, let Daddy play his game and then I'll get to sleep._

_His hands caress my thighs through my yellow pajama shorts and his breathing deepens as his hands move further up my legs "You're beautiful Alexandra" _

_I just stay quiet, I don't know what to say. I just want to sleep. _

_He pulls my bed shorts down and I tense feeling his fingers push forcefully into me. _

_I lie there just feeling Daddy do all these horrible things to me- it's so sore. _

_I just want to sleep. _

_"I love you Alexandra" I just barely hear him whisper after a while, a lot longer than I was expecting him to be "you're my beautiful little baby girl"_

_"I love you too Daddy" I tell him and he presses a rough kiss to lips before he turns and leaves _

_I lay in my bed, forcing my legs together, I'm in so much pain. I hurt inside. Tonight I cry from the pain but I do it quietly into my pillow so Daddy doesn't hear me- if he heard me I'd get more 'hugs' to make me feel good again.._

I wake up alone and covered in a thick sheen of sweat, still hurting from the vivid flashback. Talking about this with Casey hasn't improved my mental state much, has it? I'm having flashbacks, nightmares.

At least before now when I woke up I couldn't remember what I'd dreamt of, since I started talking about it, thinking about it properly again it's getting worse.

Even though I'm here with Casey things aren't really getting better, don't get me wrong it's wonderful that I'm here, I have Casey's company and I'm away from that horrible apartment but all this talking, I'm beginning to doubt it's use.

I sigh, running my hand through my hair, I should really go to Casey. I want to- I promised her that if I had the urge to cut again I'd come and talk to her- she got so angry the last time I didn't talk to her

Again, talking isn't necessarily the solution. I know cutting works, I know making myself bleed is the answer, the release I need.

I get out of bed and decide to go at least try talking to Casey. Even if it doesn't do anything for me, she won't be angry with me.

I knock gently on her open bedroom door and she wakes up, turning on her bedside lamp and facing me "Hey Al.. you okay?"

I shake my head and she pulls back her covers, gesturing for me to lie in beside her, which I do.

"I had a flashback, dream.. thing- and I wanted to cut" I admit quietly causing her to to grab my hand

"Did you?"

"No. I-I remembered how upset you were when I did it last time.. I wanted to make you proud"

Her eyes soften and she squeezes my hand "Al, you should want to stop for you- but I appreciate the thought, and just so you know I am very proud of you"

"I'm trying Casey, for me. I do want to get better- it's just hard"

She pulls me in close to her "I know it is 'Lex but you can do it, I know you can"

"I'm glad you have so much faith in me.. I just don't want to let you down"

"You won't let me down Alex, just give it a try, alright? Now, so you wanna talk about the flashback?"

I go into detail, telling her everything I remember and as I recount the details she just holds me, whispering comforting words in my ear.

And I've never been more thankful to have her holding me close because I know if she wasn't I'd be in the kitchen right now with one of them steak knives in my hand gashing up my arms.

"Kiss me, please?" I ask and she moves in close to me, softly pressing her lips to mine

"That alright?"

"Perfect, thank you"

She looks me over confused, obviously not understanding what the kiss was about so I explain, trying to sound the least amount of creepy possible

"I dreamt he kissed me, it happened afterwards, every night. I-I.. just needed to feel your lips, so I could stop feeling his"

She gently caresses my cheek and pulls me into a passionate yet incredibly soft kiss "That alright my darling?" Her finger moves softly over the skin of my neck

"Really great. I'm sorry I'm being so odd, I just.."

"No apology necessary 'Lex, I told you I'd be here doing this for you. I'll do whatever you want, anything to help you- make you feel better, okay?"


	9. Chapter 9

I notice the uneasy looks from Casey over breakfast but I realize there's a less chance of me being caught out if I stay quiet and pretend like I'm fine.

She'll be so disappointed when she sees what I've done, I know, okay, I really shouldn't have done it- talking to her last night did help a little bit for me but when I got into the shower and spotted the razor- one more blade that she attempted to hide from me- I snapped.

I cut up my left arm pretty bad, I'm right handed so I won't be aggravating the cuts or opening them again when I'm trying to do stuff- less chance of being caught, again.

"Al, you've been very quiet since you got out of the shower- have you.. done something, ya know.."

I do know, I know exactly what she means but I can't just admit it can I? That might get me in less trouble.

"No. Sorry, I've just had a lot on my mind, after last night, ya know?" I lie. Oh, this is a slippery slope, I'm lying and hiding what I've done. You shouldn't start relationships like that.. I should be open, honest- happy.

She nods and takes my hand into her own across the table "If you need to talk..?"

"I know, you're around- t-thank you" I was going to say that maybe talking isn't working, talking might be a temporary solution- you know patching up a leak with a proverbial band-aid- I decided against it

I drop my cutlery to the side of my plate, I can't eat this, my stomach is flipping- guilt and the revolting images that spring to mind at random after last nights disaster

"Not eating won't help Al" she says as softly as possible, she obviously doesn't want to force me, she's treating me like I'm made of glass, avoiding certain topics- eating, the self harm. Earlier, asking me she couldn't even say 'have you cut?'- she's on eggshells, I'm not going to break or anything, hopefully

"I know. I-I'll wrap it up for later, right now I'm tired, I just want to get some sleep- last night wasn't my best night" I tell her and she nods picking my plate up with her own and bringing it over to the counter

"You go and lie down for a few hours, I'll wrap all this up for you, okay?"

"Thanks Case" I say softly walking from the kitchen down the hallway and into my bedroom. I'm not even tired, sure I said I was but honestly, I don't think I can hold myself together right now, never mind trying to upkeep conversation with Casey.

Since last night, talking to her about that flashback and how I felt, I feel so unsanitary. Used. My skin is crawling and despite the blistering heat of this mornings shower I needed more- the cuts. The guilt from them is piling on top of how I'm feeling now too and I just know that when Casey finds out all this emotional mountain will also have anger and upset thrown in, along with some more guilt.

I lay into bed, resting my head against the pillow and the minute I let myself relax even a little bit, I start to feel the tears rush to the front of my eyes. Great, more crying into pillows at the fear of being heard. At least this time all I'll get is questions afterwards..

I roll up my sleeve, there must be at least ten new cuts, three pretty big ones and the rest could be passed off as bad cat scratches now they've stopped bleeding heavily

I don't care what Casey thinks of me, I needed that, really badly and she'll never understand no matter how much I'm trying to explain it to her.

The sobs come on stronger, to a point where no amount of pillows would mask the sound- I just feel so weak. I couldn't hold myself together, even for her. I'm going to just ware her down, drop her patience and tolerance to the point where she leaves me.

"Alex? Alex.." She sounds so worried and I pull down my sleeve just before she walks in and finds me curled up crying- like the mature adult I clearly am "Oh Alex, honey. Don't cry, Alex- Alex, look at me" she prompts as she lies in beside me and I bury further into my pillow

"I-I.. sorry Casey, I'm so sorry- Casey, please"

"W-What's wrong 'Lexi? Why are you sorry?" She's so caring and soft with me- I don't deserve that. I deserve to be screamed at, told how much of an idiot I am for doing this! For needing to do this.

Her hand runs through my hair and she presses a kiss to the nape of my neck "It's okay baby. A-Are they bad?"

I'm taken by surprise, she knows? How'd she know?

I don't answer her and she massages my shoulders gently "Would you show me Al? In case.. they're infected or anything"

I roll up my sleeve again, showing her the cuts and I hear her attempt at a gentle gasp "Alex.. oh God. I'm gonna go grab the first aid kit, okay?"

I look down to my arm, one of the cuts has opened a little, it looks a lot worse than it is if I'm honest.

She walks back in, holding some bandages and antiseptic and I sigh as she sits back beside me, getting to work

"How'd you know?" I mumble and she dabs one of the most severe cuts

"I had an idea- I guessed and hoped you'd walk into it"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you out straight- I didn't want to make you angry"

She shakes her head, pouring some more antiseptic onto the cloth "I'm sorry, I made myself unapproachable. Alex, I was upset that nigh sure, but not angry. I didn't want to scare you or make you feel like you can't come to me because you can always come to me" she sighs obviously frustrated with herself "just, please don't hide from me, if you do something.."

"Okay. I am sorry that I hid it.."

"It's alright.. Hey, uh, can I maybe.. suggest something?" She's so tense and nervous and her behavior in no way makes me feel at ease

I nod and she takes in a deep breath before blurting "Maybe you should consider seeing somebody?"

"Seeing somebody?" I ask raising an eyebrow

"Talk to someone about this, about how you're feeling maybe? I-I'd like to see you feel a little better and maybe getting help is the way to do it"

"I'm sorry" I scoff, becoming far more defensive than I have the right to be "see someone? You think I'm crazy!?"

-well, I kinda am. I'm cutting, having flashbacks, hiding- crazy. I can't go talking to somebody! Not for her, not for me. I'm not getting therapy and that's the end of the story.

"No! God no, of course not Al but I just think maybe talking it out will help? Ya know, you might start to feel better-"

"I'm fine" ah, the most popular lie.

"Alex" her hand caresses my cheek "we both know that is not true"

"I don't want to talk to anybody" I tell her and Casey bites her lip

"You can't keep this up- what happens if I find you bleeding out one day? What happens if you cut too deep one day and off yourself? I just want to see you happy 'Lexi"

"I'm happy with you"

"But you're doing this" she's on the verge of tears and I genuinely do feel bad for her "I just want to help you"

"I don't need to talk, okay? I'll talk to you when I need to"

"Alex, if you don't go get help willingly I'm going to need to try get you help- I-I can't stand by and watch you hurting yourself and getting worse! You need to do something about this"

"So what, you want to tie me up, blindfold me and shove me into some therapists office?! Why not! Let's go now!" I snap standing out of bed and she shakes her head, standing with me

"That's not what I meant! I-I'm only trying to help!"

"Well you aren't! Can't you see that?! Just please, leave me alone!"

She tosses the bandage from her hand onto the bed and walks out mumbling below her breath.

That was just wonderful, wasn't it? Really great going Alex.


	10. Chapter 10

I pad down the hallway to the living room, I checked her bedroom and she's not there so I assume she's down here. I hear the TV on, and the closer to her I get I hear her gentle sobs. I made her cry. I really feel like the biggest bitch on two feet.

She was only trying to help me- she could've went about it a little bit better, ya know, not saying she'd force me to go to therapy but she was only trying to help.

I walk over to her and I sit into the couch "Casey, don't cry, please. I-I'm sorry I was so horrible I just..."

"I.. Alex, I thought I was helping you? I thought that talking to you about everything was helping?" she sounds so devastated and I slip my hand into hers

"Case, you are helping- I shouldn't have said that you weren't. I-I, I'm cutting, I know but that's not just going to go away, no matter how much talking we do- but Casey I know I can get better"

"I know the cutting won't just go away but Alex, is that not a reason to go get help? I mean, if nothing else comes from it, wouldn't stopping hurting yourself be an improvement? I just want to see you happy 'Lexi"

It's only now I realize how much I really like that nickname, I really hate my name, Alexandra- I hate hearing it, it makes me sick, for obvious reasons. Alex, is an improvement but I really like Casey's pet names for me, 'Lexi, Al- they really make me feel good.

"You're making me happy. Believe me, I am way happier even now than I was last week, last month, in the last six months. I know I may not seem very happy to you but this is an improvement on how I was before" I close my eyes, taking a deep breath "I'll look around.. I-I'll see about talking to somebody, okay?"

"Do you mean that?" She asks and I look her straight in the eyes, I want her to know I'm telling the truth, I will honestly go and see what I can do

"I do. I'll go and see what a professional says- but Casey, if that doesn't help me- if it makes me worse, I'm not doing it. After talking to you about what happened growing up I had my nightmare, I'm scared over what'll happen when I start really going into things"

Admitting what's scaring me makes Casey understand, at least I think it does, she pulls me in tight to her and presses a kiss against to my lips "I know you're scared, okay? But I just want you to know, no matter how scared you get, no matter how bad things get- I'll be here for you to lean on"

"I feel like I'll end up leaning on you all the time. Would you not be sick of me doing all that leaning?" I ask, running my hand through my hair, I'm doubting myself again- having concerns. What'll happen when I keep crying to her with all my problems? She'll leave.

"You lean all you want on me Al" she tells me and she sits back up, untucking her t-shirt from her sweat pants

"Okay, I know you're uncomfortable about your scars and stuff and you feel bad admitting your insecurities so I'm going to show you something I'm insecure about" she lifts her shirt and lowers her trousers a little, revealing a lengthy scar that goes from above to below her hip

"Now I know it's not as severe or anything but it's always something I've been self conscious about" I nod, that I can understand, it's a pretty big scar

"What happened?" I ask pressing my fingers to her side and she smiles

"It's a rather idiotic story. When I was- uh- thirteen I think, me and my cousins were outside playing baseball at my Aunts cabin and I slid into base- landed wrong and then realized I couldn't stand back up- I had to get a plate and four pins in my hip I did some pretty extensive damage, hurt like a bitch" she chuckles nervously and moves towards me a little more, showing the scar properly "I know, its nothing like yours but it was always something I hid, I was ashamed of"

I kiss the scar softly "It's as beautiful as you are, don't be ashamed, alright?"

"You too"

xx

I disconnect my call, running my hand through my hair, so that's one therapy session ready to go from tomorrow.

I've always built myself up, told myself I wouldn't need any of 'that talking crap', I guess I do need it now. I'd do anything for her. Seeing Casey crying after how I treated her, it broke my heart. I want to make sure she never cries over me like that again. I want to go and get help, give some sort of attempt at improving my metal state.

Hasn't happened in the last twenty years, why should it now? I'm a thirty six year old woman, I should really have more sense than this- Christ, I'm beginning to sound like my Mother. That thought alone scares me more than therapy ever could.

I know this will pull me right out of my comfort zone and toss me into the deep end head first, I'll be terrified constantly from flashbacks and nightmares- but I'd like to think that on the other side of it all, in the end it'll all be worth it.

I can only hope it will because I can't go back to my lowest of low, as horrible as things are now with the self harm and my overpowering thoughts, nobody's seen my lowest. I made damn sure of that and I'd hate to think the first person to see my rock bottom would be Casey Novak.

I hear a gentle knock at my bedroom door, where I retired to in order to make my phone call and I call for her to come in

"Hey" she says, walking over to sit in beside me "well?"

"Tomorrow, 2pm, a Doctor Bianca Hennessy" I sound so disconnected, I hate the sound of my own voice, it's irritating me

"Are you sure you're okay with this Alex?"

Why? You threatened to force me to do it if I didn't anyway, I kinda have to be alright with it.

I can't think like that! She shouldn't have said it, but she said it out of concern for me- she does just want me to get better.

"Honestly Casey I don't know if I am yet, I'll be able to answer that question better after tomorrow. I want to at least try"

"You know how proud I am of you, right? I know you aren't comfortable but you're trying it.. thank you"

I do feel a small sense of accomplishment, she's proud, I made her proud of me.

That's a start I guess.

"How about we go for lunch tomorrow before the appointment, it might help to get out for a little while" she suggests and I nod, unsure whether I'll be in any fit state to even consider eating before the appointment, but I'll have to try something

"Thanks Case" I try my best to smile but she notices it's forced, taking my hand

"C'mon" she leads me from the bedroom and I scowl slightly

"Where?"

She smiles "Out for a walk"

"A walk?" A say skeptically and she hands me my jacket

"Just come, don't get all analyze-y"

"-that's not a word" I smirk as she shuts the door and we walk down the hall hand-in-hand

I genuinely don't care where she brings me right now, I'm just happy to be in her company.

We walk a few blocks, Casey talking about whatever she has planned for this walk, how beautiful this scenery is

Beautiful is not a word I'd use to describe this city's scenery- at night with all the lights, sure maybe but its still kinda bright, dusk

"What exactly is beautiful where you're taking me?" I ask and I should've guessed that her response would be as suave as it was

"Well, apart from yourself- the trees are to die for and there's a stretch of water, honestly, you'll love it"

After about another twenty minutes and several side roads later I realize we've walked a bit out of city. My eyebrows knot, where the hell is she taking me

My question is answered minutes later when we arrive at a park, one I do not recognize "Case? Where are we?"

"My happy place- it's not very well known, it's out of sight. Being outside the city it doesn't get as many visitors as the other big parks would- I'm actually not even sure of an official name, there's no signs or anything around but I think I prefer not knowing"

"Why is this no named park your happy place?" I ask, looking around casually, there's nothing very special yet

She rolls her eyes "We're at the front gates Al, have you any patience?" there's a twinkle in her eye, one I love, well, I guess I love everything about her-

-oh, love. No-no-no-no.. I don't love Casey, I don't love anybody. When you love people they hurt you or leave you.

I chuckle awkwardly as we start walking a pathway together, my feet are really sore, I wish I had taken the time to chose shoes that actually fitted me before we took this walk. I guess this place is really beautiful and Casey was very kind to take me here, so I can't complain

"Here, is my favorite part" we walk out through some more trees and when we do I realize how far we've just walked, the front gates look like dots in the distance, wow, the scenery here really is breathtaking "My parents used to take my family here a lot growing up, I know it's a long walk but I just think when you get here it's worth it"

I look down from where we're standing I can see a small lake- or what looks to be small from the height we're up at- and the rest of the view is of the city. It looks really special from here.

"You're right Casey, it is beautiful here. Do you come here often?"

"Not often as I should. Growing up we'd come out here maybe once a week- with work I never find the time"

"-Oh my God! Our jobs! Where does Elizabeth think we are Casey?! We haven't been to work in days-"

I'm cut off by her burst of laughter "Alex, do you honestly think I'd just forget work like that? I called Liz and told her we both needed some personal time, luckily I didn't have to go into very much detail"

"What'd you say?"

"I just explained that things were up in the air, you weren't feeling too great and I wanted to keep an eye on you- if she asks you were in hospital, alright?"

My eyes widen and when I do speak again I've reached a pitch that only dogs can hear me "W-Why would I be in hospital?"

"You were in hospital, not anymore- see we had a car accident, together"

I groan at her lie to our boss "I never should've asked about work, should I?"

She shakes her head, sitting down on the grass "No, it's probably best you didn't but at least now you're all caught up in case she asks" she smirks at me and I sit beside her in our now content silence

Silence which gives me a chance to think, I'm in love with this woman. So incredibly in love with her- I can't tell her that, at least not yet, send her running.

No, I think this whole "love" situation needs to be buried for a while- it'll get right down there with my self respect, oh and my trust. Hidden, far, far away.


	11. Chapter 11

Walking out of Doctor Hennessy's office the following afternoon is tough. Despite only glossing over basics of my life story and why I'm in with her, it was still itself was.. okay, as much as I hate to admit that. I just talked to the woman, who looked scarily similar to me actually. Not in the face, no, her face was much more defined, strong cheekbones- she was in or around my age, blonde- honestly very beautiful. I tend not to go for blondes though, I prefer redheads.

Speaking of redheads, mine whispers into my ear as my trembling hand slips into hers walking out of the clinic "You did so well I bet. Alex, I'm so proud of you"

I blink back the tears in my eyes as we get to her car and before I let her hand go, she pulls me into a tight hug, massaging her hand through my hair. I can feel the pride she has for me radiating from her. I sigh, out of complete relief and she presses her lips to mine "C'mon beautiful, we gotta go home"

Beautiful? Home? She thinks of her place as home even with me there- and she still thinks I'm beautiful! Wow.

"You're cute when you blush but I mean it Lex, you are very beautiful"

My hand goes to her right hand side, subtly rubbing her scar through her shirt "You are too, everything included"

Her smile makes me smile and she breaks away from me, getting into the drivers seat of the car- not before very chivalrously opening my door for me

We drive home, the half an hour drive filled with pop music Casey adores and mindless chat "Hey, uh, actually Al I got a phone call while you were in the clinic" she glances away from the road and over to me and even from that I can tell she's nervous

"Okay? Who called?"

"My Mom and Dad"

My stomach tightens a little, why is she telling me this? There must be something wrong, or maybe they don't like me and thinks Casey can do better than a grown woman her cuts herself instead of actually talking about problems.

"Oh right.. is everything okay?" I can't keep the quiver out of my voice and I'm no more relieved when she sighs

What the hell is going on! If she's going to leave me she should just spit it out-

"They're coming to stay for a couple of weeks"

"Alright.. well I guess I can stay at a motel-"

I mean, mine is the only 'spare room' in the apartment and her parents will need that.

"Alex, of course you won't stay at a motel, but if it's okay you will need to move out of your room" she smiles softly over to me "you can take my bed- I'll grab the couch"

"I'm not kicking you out of your bed, I'll take the couch"

"Yeah, I'm not subjecting you to that couch. C'mon, I want you to get a good nights sleep, please take my bed"

Stubborn as ever, very caring though, willing to get out of her own bed for me

"Okay Case, how about we just share the bed? I mean, it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed together before.. it'll be a suitable solution?"

She nods as we pull into her buildings parking garage "If you're sure you'd be comfortable with that?"

"No, no- I'd be extremely uncomfortable with my gorgeous girlfriend in my arms when we sleep"

She smirks kissing my cheek as we walk up to her apartment "And I thought I was smooth Alex" she gives an airy laugh "that was very convincing. As long as you're comfortable I don't mind"

"So when are they coming?" I ask, wondering how long exactly I have to prepare myself before their arrival, I mean, I want to impress them. They need to see that I love Casey and I'd protect her from anything.

"Actually, that's the thing, they'll be here tonight" she tries her best to sound casual, or maybe she is casual about it and I'm the only one freaking out, but tonight?!

"Tonight! Wow- that's soon- great. That's great"

Casey smiles, interlocking our fingers "Okay, you're nervous. They'll love you, don't worry. Listen, I know it's very early for you to be meeting them, I mean we've only officially went on one date but they're coming to see me, there's not really much I can do.. I told them we're dating and that you're living here, I didn't want to hide it from them.. is that alright?"

"That's fine Case.. if you're sure you want to be involved with me- if you want them to know"

Casey scowls at me as we both sit down into the couch "Al, why wouldn't I want them to know we're dating? Why would I want to stop dating you?"

I wring my hands, considering ways to explain this "I just.. Case, I'm worried about what they'll think of me" I admit and she loops her arm around my waist

"Baby, they will see the side to you I see. Are you worried about these?" Her fingers ghost over my arms and I nod

"They're part of it.. Casey do you really think your parents will want you to be involved with me? I'm such a mess-"

"Hey, stop it. 'Lexi, you aren't a mess, things are just a little tough, and ya know what, I know my parents will love you even after they hear about everything. Even if they don't, I really don't care about their opinion- I care about you and they won't change my mind if I continue seeing you or not- I know we won't have this problem though, Mom and Dad are good"

I smile and brush away the tears from my eyes "Okay. Okay, I'm ready to meet your parents"

xx

"Casey! Oh darling look at you, you're practically glowing" I hear her Father, Robert announce as himself and his wife Sarah arrive at the apartment. I walk out of the kitchen where I'd put on a pot of coffee an Sarah smiles seeing me round the corner

"And you must be Alex" she offers her hand to me which I shake

"It's a pleasure to meet you Ma'am"

"Oh dear, call me Sarah!" her beaming smile is a copy of Casey's and my heart lightens "So Alex, tell me about yourself"

I'm vague, let's face it there's not much in my life I'm willing to boast about. I tell her about work, how enjoyable it is working with Casey- I also happen to mention how strongly I feel for Casey, of course Case isn't around, her and her father are out discussing baseball or football- some sort of sports discussion anyway.

"I'm glad our Casey found somebody who cares for her like you do" she says sincerely as we sit together drinking our coffees and I smile

"I'm lucky to have her Sarah if I'm honest, I-I've really needed her over the past couple of weeks, not only as a partner but as a friend. She's a really great person- a real testament to how she was raised"

She laughs, but not in a vicious way, it's a sweet laugh "Oh sweetheart, I can tell you'll get along very well with my husband"

xx

"They weren't too full on were they?" Casey asks me that night as she pulls on her nightgown, a deep purple lace negligee that really isn't helping me keep my hands off her and I shake my head, crawling into our shared bed

"Case, don't worry. I loved them both, your Mom was so sweet to me and your Dad, although he's quite protective of you I don't expect anything less from him and we did have a nice talk" I smile thinking back to Roberts chat with me, he gave me the typical 'intentions' talk but once I told him how I feel about Casey he eased up- I even vaguely discussed my 'Cabot' background with him, he asked about my relations, my name is associated with wealth and power so obviously he was curious. I talked it out, told him I've cut ties with my family and he didn't pry he seemed to understand it was a sensitive subject

"Oh really? About what?" She asks and I smile, leaning in close to her, resting my head on her chest

"Nothing important, he was just getting to know me"

He was, I just didn't mention in what way. I'd be afraid of talking about Roberts questions, she'd defend me to Robert, telling him to ease off and honestly I don't need that.

If I want to be with Casey in the long term I need to get to know her parents- more importantly they need to get to know me. Faults and all.

"Well I'm glad both you and them are putting in the effort- it means a lot to me you're getting to know them" she drops a kiss to my forehead

"Don't be silly, I want to get to know them Casey"

"Well just know I appreciate it 'Lexi" another kiss, this time placed softly to my neck and I moan

"You need to know how much I love when you call me that" I whisper as I roll over on top of her. I end up straddling her hips and the look of pure excitement in her eyes causes my breathing to speed up

Oh wow, she looks so good under me.

I lean down and pull her lips to mine. The electricity between us is incredible, I've never felt like this before, it's never been this intense

She moans against my lips and her hands roam around to my back, even her simple touch is driving me crazy. Oh we need to stop this- her parents are like a couple of doors down and I think I need to do a little more thinking before we do anything.. more.

My past sexual experiences have consisted of three women and my father and honestly the experience with all three women was far from perfect. I- had a bit of a flashback as things got heated and well, it ended in them running off, they couldn't handle all the crazy I assume.

I rest my hand against her shoulder, pushing her away and I lie back on my side of the bed- removing myself from her grasp

"I-I'm sorry-" I apologize and she shakes her head

"I think we both got caught up a little bit- don't apologize. Are you alright?"

I smile at her tenderness, her caring nature shines through yet again and I kiss her softly "I'm fine.. just didn't want to rush into anything, ya know? Honestly, I'm okay- are you okay? I'm sorry I stopped, I know you must be-"

"I'm not anything. Alex, when we're both comfortable it'll happen. We'll know when the time is right- and we won't force ourselves to do anything a second before we're ready, okay?"

"Okay" I let out a sigh, one I didn't realize I was holding in and she squeezes my wrist gently

"You don't have to be nervous or on edge with me- if you don't feel comfortable you stop, alright? I never want to force you into anything"

I close my eyes, forming my sentences in my head before I say them out "Case, can I just tell you, the most comfortable I've ever felt is with you. I've had a few relationships and none of them ever felt like this. I really care about you and I know no matter what we do when we do get around to.. that, you'll be an incredibly attentive lover"

"I just want to make you happy darling"

"You do"

Far more than you realize.


	12. Chapter 12

"You're up early" Robert says from the door of the kitchen and I nod, staring down into my coffee

"Couldn't sleep" I admit below my breath, praying he doesn't want details. I had two nightmares, bad ones. I don't reckon I was screaming out, either that or Casey and her parents are heavy sleepers. Then again, I never did scream, when he did it, I lay there- the older I got I tried to block him out, thought of other things to try and lessen the pain- it rarely worked

"Everything okay?" He asks vaguely as he thumbs through the morning paper and I pull Casey's dressing gown around me further, making sure my arms are covered- not going to risk him seeing the scars

"Fine, just one of those nights, ya know?" I answer and he nods.

It's silent between us for several minutes as I study my coffee and he the paper, that is until he clears his throat and focuses his attention on me "Alex, can I ask you something?"

"Uh- yes, of course, anything" I take a mouthful of the now cold coffee and wince, I really should've drank it instead of looking at it

"Casey.. is she really alright?" he questions and I briefly wonder what he's talking about, when he arrived didn't he say she looked happy? I'm confused

"I'm sorry Robert, I don't quite understand what you're asking me?"

He hangs his head briefly, then looks back up, meeting my eye "Our daughter has her tells. Last night when we arrived she was smiling and it would've been a very convincing smile, if I didn't know her so well. There's something off and I'm not sure what it is, so I was wondering, has Casey mentioned anything to you? Anything she wouldn't tell her Mother or I?"

I bite my lip, I didn't notice she was off at all. She seemed perfectly fine, normal? I hope she's okay, she seems to be sleeping alright anyway, I'd know I spent more time awake than asleep last night- she didn't have nightmares, anything that'd show an underlying problem

"Uh, no, I'm sorry I can't be of any more help to you but she hasn't mentioned anything to me. If I'm honest, I hadn't notice her behavior change at all-"

"My behavior change?" Both Robert and I look as if we're deer who've been caught in headlights. Casey glares at her father slightly, then looks to me "Dad, I thought you could come to me if you had any concerns- especially about me. Why did you sneak behind my back to Alex?"

"Sweetheart, I'm worried about you-"

"Then you should come to me, not interrogate my girlfriend" she has fire in her eyes, almost like the first night I cut here, that is one scary look- one I hope I don't see too often

"Casey, he wasn't interrogating me" I tell her honestly "he was only concerned for you- anyway, I had no answers for him so really, it's fine"

"It's not fine- Dad, what exactly do you think is wrong?" she asks and Robert shrugs, I pity him slightly, I can tell with every fibre of his being he wants to take back that question, rewind time and just stay reading the sports supplement of the newspaper. Women can really be pushy sometimes- I'd know, being one

"I don't know Casey, that's what I was asking Alex- yesterday, your smile.. it looked put on for mine and your mothers benefit, I just want to know my baby's alright"

She sighs walking over to him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders "You're very sweet to be worried Dad, last night, honestly, the smile was put on"

This startles me, what was making her unhappy, why was she forcing smiles?-

"-I was just nervous Dad. I really wanted you both to get along with Al" she smiles up at me shyly "I wanted your approval because this isn't just some meaninglessness relationship to me- I care about her. I just wanted the three of you to get along- so no, I'm not hiding anything critical from you"

I calm down a little, my heart not thumping quite as fast, I thought she'd come out and admit she was sick or something! I was really worried. Thank God she's alright.

"I'm sorry" I realize she's directing the apology to me and I scowl out of confusion

"For what exactly?" I ask and she gestures to her Father, smiling

"His pre-breakfast questioning. I'm okay, really. You don't need to look so concerned, as I said, if there was something wrong you'd be the first person of come to"

I notice Roberts smile and Casey walks around to me, kissing my cheek and I move my arm up to pull her back down for a proper kiss- then my dressing gown sleeve falls down to my elbow, revealing the various cuts across my lower arm

I fumble with the flimsy material, recovering my arm and I notice Casey's eyes "Are you okay?" her silent question rings loudly in my ears and I nod, causing her to take my face into her hands kiss my lips

"No judgement" she whispers and I nod, thankful she was here when this did happen, I'd hate to try and explain this on my own

He's not asking questions, he definitely noticed, I mean he had to notice, they're not exactly subtle and he was already looking at us. Maybe he doesn't know what to say? Shouldn't I step up here, tell him? That'd really change his opinion of me- I'd be damaged goods, a woman not nearly good enough for his beautiful daughter

That's me, damaged. Ruined. Destroyed.

I search the kitchen, as subtly as possible, I want to add to my "collection"- just one more, a small one. What could I use? I'm pretty sure Casey's hidden her knives after our last little incident in the kitchen and her razor has magically disappeared too. She doesn't trust me, but when you want it bad enough you'll find a way- you'll smash plates, glasses, mirrors- anything just to get a jagged edge to force against your skin.

I notice my breathing again, I'm taking short fast breaths but it feels like I'm not inhaling at all! No air is getting to my lungs, the room spins, my head lightens- what the hell is going on! I can't see, my blurred vision is turning to darkness and I feel myself fall with a bang against the cool tiles in the kitchen

"Christ! Alex? Alex, are you okay?" I hear Robert exclaim and then I feel an unmistakable hand press against my forehead

"Sweetheart?! Can you hear me 'Lexi?Daddy, call an ambulance!"

I groan, or try to anyway- I don't need a hospital. I'll go to a hospital and they'll think I'm crazy- Robert and Sarah will too, they'll see the extent of my self harm.

"She's waking up Daddy- wait. Alex? Al, baby, open your eyes"

I do, and my vision thankfully is back to normal, my lungs are stinging with every deep breath I take but I must admit the touch of Casey's hand to my cheek calms me a little

"Hey baby, are you okay? That was a nasty fall you had there" she looks so worried and I close my eyes relaxing as best I can against her

"I-I don't know what it was, I felt like I couldn't breathe and my eyes blacked out"

Robert wraps the blanket off the back of our couch around me as he replies "Sounds like a panic attack" he tells us and Casey lifts me into her arms carrying me over to the couch

"Will I need to get a doctor?" I hear Casey ask her father and I sigh, hoping he says no, all I want to do is rest. No medical professionals.

"No, no- I don't think so. Case, you should sit with her for a while, I'm going to go wake your Mother"

"Great thanks Dad"

I hear his footsteps fade down the hall and Casey's hand presses to my forehead again "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine.. He knows. They're probably talking about me"

Casey sighs, shaking her head "What did I tell you about them?" she asks, gesturing to my arms and I curl into myself "Alex" she presses when I don't answer her

"That they're beautiful?" it's more a question than a statement and she nods

"They are- you should take pride in them. You're strong"

"I don't feel strong"

"Okay, I won't sugarcoat it, Dad saw them, I bet he did and I'd also bet that he's surprised but him and Mom will get over them. I wanted them to approve of you but I won't throw us away if they don't, especially if something like this is their deciding factor. Look at me Alex" she waits until my glassy blue eyes meet her deep green ones before continuing "I love you, okay and I'll probably send you running by admitting that because it's so early but I cannot deny it- I'm in love with you Alex and I know you're getting help, so this is not a deal breaker for me, alright?- regardless of what my parents think"

"How will I face them after that? I'll have to tell them-"

"You don't have to do any such thing. If they ask you tell me, I'll handle it. Do I have your permission to discuss it with them if they ask me? I don't want to go behind your back"

"I'd prefer you tell them than me, I don't want to get upset in front of them.. Casey, I'm going to go back to bed, see if I can sleep some more" I stand off the couch and turn to walk away from her, then I realize she admitted she loved me

I kiss her before I leave the living room mutely, I wanted to tell her I loved her too. I wanted to open up to her, I'm just scared. Terrified.

"I'll come and join you soon-"

"-no, Case, your parents are here to see you. Don't spend the whole time with me, you should try and enjoy their company" I tell her and she nods

"I'll see you when you get back up then. If you need me I'm right down here, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you"


	13. Chapter 13

I hear them laughing together when I walk down the hall, I'm glad Casey's enjoying her parents company. I was very concerned this morning when Robert mentioned he thought Casey was having problems, I thought she was hiding on me. She's not, she's was just being her usual caring self and worrying about me.

I walk into the darkened living room, they're watching a movie I don't recognize, a comedy I assume from their laughs and when I sit in beside Casey she wraps her arms around me and pulls me in tight to her "Hey 'Lexi" she puts emphases on my name, ever since I admitted I liked it she seems to be using it a lot more, I'm glad

"Hey baby.. you okay?"

She nods against my neck "I'm fine, how about you? Did you get some sleep?"

It's only then I realize the darkness not just inside, but coming from the gap in the curtains- how long have I been sleeping? I check her cell which is sitting on the table and realize it's 9pm!

"Casey, you left me in bed all day! Oh my God I look lazy" I whisper out not wanting her parents to hear, embarrassing myself further

"No you do not, Alex you weren't feeling very well and you obviously didn't sleep much last night, you needed a break- you look far from lazy- honestly? You look well rested, and beautiful as always" she pushes some hair behind my ear "C'mon out to the kitchen with me, I kept you some dinner"

We excuse ourselves from the living room and once we get to the kitchen Casey kisses me, a passionate, heart stopping kiss- one that makes me understand why we left the living room

"What was that for?" I pant out as we break our kiss and Casey smiles

"For being you" I smile, a response typical of her and she breaks away from our hug, going to plate up the dinner she kept

"Al.. I know you're self conscious and everything" she says leaving down the plate of spiced chicken and rice in front of me "and I understand that it's not just going to go away, I still suffer with it too but I want you to know I talked to my parents- about everything. They think you're as brilliant as I do 'Lex and they definitely are not judging you. They really like you"

"Really?" I ask with a tone of disbelief, I thought after they heard about my past they'd tell Casey to leave me, find someone more normal

"Really. Alex, you're easy to fall for. Things mightn't be great with you right now but I, and I'm sure my parents, see beyond that. You're so sweet and kind, you have a really big heart- you really care about me- we can work on the other stuff, getting you to feel better about yourself, and I really believe you will"

I smile and nod "Casey, thank you. For everything I mean, talking to your parents and talking me down, I know I'm all caught up about myself and it must be hard dealing with my low self-esteem-"

"It's not at all hard dealing with it, it's more of an opportunity to tell you how beautiful and amazing you are- what's hard is hearing you doubt yourself because you really are fantastic and you don't deserve to think otherwise"

I take in what she's saying, she really cares about me. I smile as I eat my chicken and she sits in beside me "You wanna take that in with you? We can watch the end of the film with Mom and Dad"

"I'm good here Case, you go on in, okay? I'll be in after I eat"

xx

"Alex?" Sarah asks from behind me as I wash up my plate and I turn around to face her as I dry off the plate and she smiles softly, a smile that resembles Casey's- this puts me at ease a little more

"Hi Sarah.. can I get you something? A drink or anything?" I ask and she shakes her head, sitting at the table

"I'm fine Alex, honestly. I wanted to talk to you- Casey and Robert have started some more talk about sports so I thought this'd be a good time" she chuckles and I nod, inside I'm terrified, she's going to question me on what Casey told them, I know she is

"Talk away" I offer an opening and she continues

"Casey.. she told us about you- that sounds bad- uh, she told us about your past, your childhood"

I swallow hard, nodding "Yeah, she said she would" my mouth has gone extremely dry, fright taking over, I don't know what she's going to say to me

"You know Alex, just because you don't contact your 'family' doesn't mean you don't have one. Robert and I told Casey and now I'm telling you, Robert and I care a great deal about you and it's clear that Casey does too- if you do ever need anything, even just to talk Alex- we are here"

I brush away the tears rolling down my cheeks and Sarah walks around to me, hugging me "You're a brilliant woman sweetheart, even if things are horrible for you right now, know that we're supportive of you and you're very good for our daughter"

"Thank you" I bury against the older woman who runs her hand over my back

"It's no problem Alex"

xx

"Alex, Alex! Wake up!"

I feel a shake to my shoulder and when I open my eyes I immediately realize I'm safe, I'm with Casey, everything's alright.

I close my eyes tight as I attempt to steady my breathing and I will my heart to beat slower than it currently is

"'Lexi, look at me, please" she whispers and I open my eyes, meeting hers

"I-I.. guess I had a nightmare"

That's obvious you idiot, you didn't wake up like this from a good dream.

"You were crying baby, really crying.. do you remember it?" She asks as I pull myself up in bed and I shake my head

"No, I don't. Casey, I'm sorry I woke you-"

She interrupts me "Alex you really need to realize that I don't mind being around for you when things are bad. Waking me up doesn't matter- you matter"

I lie back down, I want to go back asleep not talk, I feel like all I do is talk I can never just have a nightmare and go back to sleep- I can't talk about this anymore. The nightmares don't really deviate from the one track, it's always usually the same thing and I cannot keep discussing it

"Alex, do you want to talk?" she asks and I shake my head

"I'm fine Case, go back to sleep"

I feel like I'm pushing her away and I know I shouldn't do that, she's my girlfriend and we love each other- despite me not admitting it yet. I really need to start acting like a good girlfriend- I need to really try with her.

This is one relationship I don't want to go down the tubes.


	14. Chapter 14

"Hey" I drop down onto the couch beside Casey and she looks me over, her concern for me written all over her face

"Hey.. so you ready to talk to me about your session?" She asks and I think back to earlier when I got into the car after my appointment with Bianca.

I was horrible to Casey, I snapped at her and she was only trying to help me. I closed myself off, wouldn't speak to her and when I got home I went and hid in bed, I couldn't face her or her parents.

I notice they aren't around "uh, where's your Mom and Dad?" I ask and she shrugs

"They said they were going for a walk, I reckon they were just going to give us some space to talk.. Dad asked if we were fighting"

I slip my hand into hers and run my thumb across her knuckles "I'm sorry. Jesus, I was such a bitch to you and all you were asking is if I was okay"

"It's okay, you were obviously stressed out- but what happened? I mean.. you looked so upset and I felt horrible for you" she tells me and I sigh, biting down on my lip. What the hell is wrong with me? She's helping me, or trying to anyway and I'm just knocking her back, repeatedly.

I need to tell her what I talked about with Bianca. I really should, I mean it's about her? That's what the session today was basically about, "how my past has caused repercussions into my present"

That's Casey, my present.

"Okay" I take a deep breath "well, Doctor Hennessy wanted me to talk to her about how everything in my past is affecting me now and I spent the majority of my time talking about you"

"Me? Okay, what were you talking about?" she asks squeezing my hand a little and I let go of her hand and pull my legs up to my chest- I believe Bianca said I use body movements like that to unconsciously push people away. Screw it, I want her away right now.

"Uh- she talked to me about my inability to open up to you properly"

"Y-Your inability to open up to me properly? I don't understand- you're opening up to me, or I thought you were?"

This is why I don't open up to people, telling them I hide from them doesn't tend to go well.

"I-I was Case, well, kinda. I haven't told you a lot of stuff though, a lot of how I feel- the cutting" I sigh and then take in another deep breath, this is a lot more stressful than I thought it'd be

'Go home, talk to Casey about this'

Thank you very much Bianca, let's tear down my relationship as well as my mental state.

"Lexi... I told you you can come to me. God, baby, you can come to me about anything- I don't know how else to say it to you? Is there something I should say, or something I should do for you to feel like you could be more open with me?-"

"-this isn't you Case, I swear it isn't. This is a problem I have- ya know one to add to all the others" I force a laugh nervously, anything to break the tension between us but she stops me

"Please do that, putting yourself down.. Can you talk to me now? About some of it even?"

I nod, that's why I started this, apart from Bianca asking me to do this I do feel like I could share this stuff with her "Casey, about the cutting, okay? I don't think you realize what it is for me, what it always has been. When it started it was pure disgust, it was my self-loathing that made me start- I wanted the pain I deserve. Now..."

Just tell her, she won't run off on you, she won't leave- look at her, she loves you- just tell her.

"Now it's morphed into trying to feel anything. I've built up a sort of immunity to the pain of the cutting and when something happens- a flashback, a nightmare- an insecurity- I want to hurt myself, but I just can't, so I keep doing it, just hoping it'll hurt eventually. I just want to hurt, just feel something"

She's crying when I look up to her and my heart cracks, another disadvantage of telling people how you really feel, you terrify them, you hurt them

"I'm so sorry Casey.. Please don't cry" I don't offer any physical comfort because I'm scared she'd push me away

"W-what else, is wrong? You s-said you were hiding how you're feeling?" she's still sobbing but she wants to keep it up? Why?

"I.. that's different. I can't explain that"

"Give me a-an example? Plea-se"

"Now. Now seems as good a time as any, I'm terrified to touch you. You're so upset and I want to comfort you like you comfort me when I wake up from nightmares or when I have problems but I can't. I'm afraid in case you'll get even more upset or you're disgusted by me-"

"Please, h-old me 'Lexi"

I drop my legs away from my chest and immediately move to her, pulling her into my arms. It feels odd, I'm holding her, it's different. But I'm glad I can do it.

"I-I.." I force my eyes closed, just tell her, you can say it, she won't run away, not this one "I love you Casey- I-I.."

This starts a whole other round of sobs and I press a kiss to her tear soaked cheek "I mean it.. and I was so scared to say it because I get that close to people and they hurt me or they leave me b-but you care about me and I need you to know I love you"

She buries even closer into me and I use the arm closest to me to brush away the tears rolling down my own cheeks

Then the apartment door opens and Robert and Sarah arrive at the living room door- I look up to them and gesture for them to come in "Hey, Case, look who's back"

I realize how patronizing sound- I mean I sound like I'm speaking to a five year old who hasn't seen her parents overnight, I don't mean to be, I just want her to know we're no longer alone

"We can go-" Sarah starts and I shake my head, telling her it's fine- which prompts Casey to stand out of my arms, and excuse herself to the bathroom

Once Robert, Sarah and I are left alone I notice the uneasy looks between them, they need to know that we're alright, at least I hope we are- no, we are, if we weren't she'd have screamed and gotten mad- she wouldn't have cried in my arms

"She's okay" I tell them, and this visibly calms them both, their eyes tearing away from the bathroom door "I shared a little.. much I think. It was emotional"

"Is this why you were both fighting earlier?" Robert asks and I shake my head a little

"It wasn't really a fight, I was reluctant to talk to her which made her upset and angry- but yeah, we're alright now"

"Are you okay?" Sarah asks and I smile softly up at her

"I'm okay.. things are okay"

Casey walks out of the bathroom again, her eyes still red and puffy but she looks a little more composed now, and as beautiful as ever

She sits into my lap when she gets back and the four of us start a comfortable conversation, the whole time my arms around her waist.

Well that's one thing talking to her did do, we're already kinda closer. Neither of us have ever say like this, not for this length of time anyway and never this comfortable

"Should we go and get some lunch?" Casey asks "somewhere nice in the city"

I notice Roberts eyes to me, daring me to challenge her 'somewhere nice'. I smirk and shake my head "You choose somewhere baby"

I was so tempted to suggest McDonalds, Burger King, some fast food establishment but I decide not to, things are good now, comfortable, let's not jeopardize how good things actually are

xx

"I love you" I tell her that night as we get comfortable that night in bed and she presses her lips to my mine

"I love you too Lexi- I'm really proud of you, today you shared an awful lot with me, more than I thought you would. I really appreciate it- also, can I just tell you something stuck with me, you said you were afraid to hold me in case I'd get more upset or be.." She's obviously trying to think back to exactly what I'd said and I offer what she's looking for

"Disgusted"

She nods "Like I could be disgusted by you, my beautiful girlfriend. But yes, what I wanted to say, I never want you to be afraid of comforting me or holding me.. I'd be grateful for any holding you're willing to do- whenever you feel like it"

I like this side of her, she's light-hearted. My talking helped her too.

Yeah that'll be something I'll need to do more often. Definitely.


	15. Chapter 15

"Tonight you two need to go out" Sarah tells me the next morning as I put together a "sophisticated" breakfast of bacon and eggs and I lift the good off the heat and turn back to her, this morning it's just us two Casey and Robert are gone to look at a motor bike he's trying to fix up. Casey asked if I wanted to come and look and I almost cried from laughter, I'm in no way a girly-girl but I'm not at all an engine take-apart-er.

Sarah reckons they'll be gone for a while, the drive there is at least hour in good traffic and she says Casey's the same as her Father when it comes to mechanics, they'll get caught up in it and forget they have women waiting at home, and nearly forget they have a home.

"Out? Are you trying to get rid of us?" I smirk, joking with her and she shakes her head

"No, I'm offering to house-sit while you two go out and have a nice time- it's a once in a lifetime offer, you should take it"

I chuckle and serve up the bacon and eggs "Well, I can hardly turn that down can I? Actually, I have a question, is there anything Casey really likes? I want to surprise her with something she loves but I'm not entirely sure what to do"

"Well, apart from sports and bike engines I'd have to suggest country music"

This makes me laugh- that is until I realize she's deadly serious "Wait, Casey's listens to country music? Really?"

"Oh honey, when she was a kid she had this very cute little outfit she looked like a proper little cowgirl- boots, hat, the works!"

I'm doubled over laughing, the thoughts of a little Casey in something like that cracks me up! I never imagined she'd listen to country music- it just doesn't seem very her, then again I grew up with classical stuff so I don't have much experience in the country music genre "I'd kill to see pictures of her in that outfit!"

"Uh, come with me sweetheart, I forced Casey to take photo albums with her leaving home and she keeps them in her study- I'm sure if we root through we'll find a few good ones"

We carry our plates down to Casey's study, or the door I thought actually led to a closet- I clearly took a great look around when I got here first

Sarah grabs as many photo albums as she can from the bottom shelf of Casey's book case and we take a couple each to sift through. The very first picture I see is Casey as a baby, she was so cute! I notice she hooked up to a few machines though "Hey, was Case okay? I mean, obviously she's fine because she's with us but what's with all the machines?"

I notice a brief look of sadness on Sarah's face "She was premature, 30 weeks, she was a little too small and needed some extra help"

"Wow. You must've been.. well, terrified"

"She was a little fighter- still is"

I flick further on into the album and find a family photo, I'm not sure of names and Sarah smiles seeing the picture "Ya know which one Casey is?" She asks and I point the the middle of the three children, two girls and one boy

She smiles "well you really do have an eye for her- she's the oldest of the three" Sarah points to the boy on the right of Casey, who has his arms around Casey smiling brightly "That's Robert junior- we all call him Robbie. He's in medical school"

"Wow a doctor and a lawyer- all your dreams must be coming true" I smile and she laughs softly

"I'm very proud of my children-" she points to the younger girl who in the picture is carrying a stuffed bunny rabbit "That's Lilly, she's the baby of the family. She has a business and a cosmetology degree and runs her own beauty salon"

"Woah.. That's amazing! You have one successful family"

We look through many other family photos, more recent ones- Casey's graduation, Christmases in this apartment- Casey looks so happy, her smile is wider in some of these pictures than I've ever seen. She has such a beautiful smile.

I turn to page in my album and find the picture we're looking for stuck down in front of me, Casey all dressed up in her cowgirl outfit- her brown boots, light blue denim jeans, a red and white checked shirt with a black tshirt underneath and topping the outfit off is her brown cowgirl hat. She's no older than 11 or 12.

Sarah laughs looking over the picture "You wouldn't believe the amount of nights I had to wash that outfit- she wore it most days so I spent nearly every evening for around a year washing and drying that for her to wear the next day"

I'm laughing at Sarah, imagining that really makes me happy for some reason- Casey sounds like she was an adorable child.

"She's so cute" I run my thumb over the slightly faded picture and when I look up from it I see the content smile on Sarah's face

"You really care for her, don't you?"

"I'm in love with her Sarah, honestly. I care about her more than I think I've ever cared for anyone in my entire life.."

xx

"Wow Alex, honey, you look beautiful" Sarah smiles at me as I walk in to the living room that evening and I run my hands over the front of my black dress again

"Are you sure?" I ask, really doubting this outfit choice- I think the main reason is because the sleeves of my dress are three quarter length, showing a few bad cuts on my wrists, but covering some worse ones further up my arms so I am thankful for the cover I have

Sarah notices me acting shifty, attempting to pull my sleeves over my wrists a little further and she rests her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently "Daring, Casey doesn't care about them, you don't need to be embarrassed"

"I-I.. I just don't want to let her down or embarrass her- I mean they aren't even remotely attractive.."

"Believe me honey, Casey isn't embarrassed by you, even them scars don't change that"

I really, really want to believe her but it's hard to, look at them, they're not beautiful and people can tell me they are and they're a sign of strength and everything but I honestly don't think I'll believe them

"She isn't embarrassed by you" Sarah reinforces her point again really wanting me to believe her and then we hear Casey and Robert walk into the hall

"-Daddy, I'm fine will you please calm down"

I swallow hard, that does not sound good

"Casey? Rob? Is everything okay?" Sarah calls and I follow her into the living room and when we walk in we both freeze

"Casey, what happened to your arm?!" I ask walking over to her when I see the blood-soaked bandage stuck to her arm

"Wow 'Lexi you look amazing" she bites her lip, her eyes roaming over my body and I drop to my knees pulling the bandage away as carefully as can from her injury

Once it's revealed even Robert winces, she has a long deep cut up from her wrist to just an inch before her elbow

"Oh God Casey what the hell happened!" I ask and she chuckles, earning glares from myself and Sarah

"The bike fell" Robert says when Casey doesn't and by her facial expression she's obviously unhappy he said anything

"Onto her arm?!" Sarah shrieks "Robert why did you take her back here! It could be broken! You should've taken her straight to the ER!"

The next few sentences jumble together, Robert trying to defend himself and Casey trying to defend herself

"Have you met our daughter Sarah? Do you really think she'd willingly go to the ER! It was a struggle to make her put the bandage onto it"

"It's not broken Mom, Jesus, don't you think I'd know if it was broken? I'm not an idiot-"

I decide to intervene here, Casey does need to get to the ER, sitting here is not helping "OKAY!" The three of them look to me, startled slightly "Casey, I don't care what you say, that could get an infection or anything and honestly it looks bad enough to need stitches- we're going to the ER"

"'Lexi, it's okay"

"Don't argue with me" I warn her and Sarah smiles at me as Casey replies

"Okay, let's go then"

Robert looks appalled "Why couldn't you agree with me like that?!" he questions Casey who just takes my hand into her good one

"I don't mind if you're mad at me" she jokes with her Father as we leave "it's a different story with her"

xx

We sit in the ER waiting room after handing in Casey's forms and she presses a kiss to my cheek "Can I ask you something?"

I nod "anything"

"What did you have planned for tonight? I mean, you look so gorgeous and well, I kinda ruined whatever the plans were, please don't tell me you had this big thing planned?" I hear the guilt in her voice and I smile softly, shaking my head

"Honestly, I just wanted to take you out somewhere fancy- I had nothing planned especially. Anyway, I was really concerned when your Dad said the bike fell on your arm- once he said that there was never a chance of is going anywhere but the ER"

She laughs drily "Thank you Dad for that"

xx

"I think I'd know if it was broken, I'm not a moron" Sarah impersonates Casey earlier while scowling at her, Casey looks equally unimpressed

"Okay Mom give it a rest, I'm in my thirties, that doesn't work as well now- anyway, to get technical it's a fracture"

"You're still in a cast aren't you? And a sling! I can't believe you didn't think you needed the ER"

Casey sighs and buries against me "Any chance we could still go for that lovely, romantic- peaceful- dinner?" she mumbles and I smirk wrapping my arm around her shoulder

"In sure we could hit a McDonalds on the way home but-uh- it's nearly 1am so other places might be shut babe"

She blows out a deep breath against my neck "Ugh, not nearly romantic enough"

"I don't know, McDonalds can be romantic if you make it romantic"

"Please, I'm begging you to make 1am McDonalds romantic- with my parents" she says and Robert scoffs

"Case, you think we can't hear you?" He asks, "we're right in the front of the car, ya know"

I laugh against her hair and drop a kiss to her cheek "I'll try my best"


	16. Chapter 16

"So" Bianca says after a brief silence between us. I'd caught her up on the events since the last time I saw her, Casey fracturing her arm, her parents going back home, our date- a proper one this time, not McDonalds "How about you tell me about your past relationships?"

My eyes drop to the floor and she quickly adds "If there are some, I mean"

"Of course there are.. well, they can hardly be considered relationships" I tell her and she questions me on why "Well, I mean, everything always starts out okay, I meet a nice woman, we have a good time, go on a date. But then when things move on to get sexual.."

"What happens?"

"...I-I end up having flashbacks of when I was a kid"

"Right. Did that happen with all your past relationships?"

"Yep. Very consistent, what's also consistent? Their reactions. They all leave because they can't handle me"

"Alex, I need to ask you a personal question, in relation to your abuse" she skirts around something and her behavior puts me on edge

"Okay.. Ask then" I can't hold back the tremor in my voice and she looks me in the eye and says

"Did you ever have an orgasm when your Father touched you?"

Is she insane! What the hell would even make her ask me that!?

"No! Jesus no! I didn't enjoy that- i-it was horrible- it hurt me! How could I possibly enjoy it enough to.. do that!"

I notice Bianca studying me and it makes my heart thump harder than it already is- I'm not lying to her, I never did finish from my Fathers touch but that's the thing, I've never finished. I always get dragged into another flashback and I never had the chance to and you can't really have fun after that, can you?

"You don't have to enjoy it in order to orgasm Alex, it comes as a response to direct stimulation-"

"Yes, well either way it didn't happen under my Fathers touch" I notice her skeptical look "you don't believe me?" I accuse her and she shakes her head

"Of course I believe you Alex. I'm just wondering why you're so defensive"

I sigh, running my hand over my face "I'm not defensive.. I.. Okay, Bianca, I've never-uh-had an orgasm, not with my Father- not with any of the women and even alone.. I-I just go into flashbacks"

"Have you discussed this with any of your previous partners? Really discussed it, including how you feel?" She asks and I shake my head sadly

How could I discuss that with people I've known for like a month? How could I talk about feeling so strange, feeling like less of a person because I can't enjoy sex like a normal person.

"No. I've never properly talked about it, with anyone. It's not exactly something I'm open about" I feel my cheeks flush, this isn't exactly a conversation I'm comfortable having.

Sex was never a comfortable topic, growing up- obviously- it was never discussed in the home, yeah, because then I would've realized things were wrong.

"Do you feel you could be comfortable talking about it?" She asks me and I bite my lip and shake my head

"No. I-I really don't think so"

She nods and then smiles a little at me "What about to Casey? You're comfortable with Casey- from what you're telling me I can see you really love her. Talking to her, even about something like this is a possibility, right?"

"I-I guess.. but I mean, I don't have to talk about it yet. We aren't at that stage yet really and she isn't putting pressure on me to do anything- so, I-I'll have time to think about what I'll say and stuff"

"Alex, when you feel ready you should talk to Casey about this, when you feel you can I'm sure she'd really like to know how you're feeling, she'd like to help you through it" she assures me, handing me a leaflet- when I say leaflet it looks like one but in reality when you open it it's around twelve pages, back and front

I open it and read the title- 'The Steps To Trusting'

"You should read that Alex, if you get the chance. I can tell, and you can deny it all you like, but you still have your doubts about Casey" she's talking clinically- like she knows me better than I know myself- I don't like being talked down to

"I don't have 'doubts' about Casey" I growl at her "I love Casey"

She tightens her lips and raises an eyebrow "Okay, you love her- but you can honestly tell me that you'd sit down with her and you could confidently tell her everything without thinking that when you've finished she'll get up and run away? You never think that she'll leave you like the others did-"

"Stop it!" I almost scream at her- I'm very aware we're in a clinic with people waiting outside in the waiting room but it's loud enough for me to at least sound firm

"I love Casey and yes, okay, you're right I have my doubts, doubts that she'll leave when she gets sick of me but I'm trying not to worry about any of that stuff until it happens!"

"So why don't you talk to her, Alex trying to prevent this would surely be a better idea than trying to pick up the pieces when something goes wrong?"

Huh, the therapist makes an excellent point. Prevention is key. Prevent your relationship from dying a slow painful death by actually talking about how terrified for your partner to touch you and the consequences it'll have.

"I'll... yeah.. I'll work on it"

"That's what people say when they're procrastinating"

"I will work on it- promise, just maybe not tonight"

xx

"You're quieter than usual Al" Casey says as we sit together that night watching some dumb sitcom and I lean in closer to her, burying my face against her neck

"I love you" I mumble and she runs her hand through my hair, kissing me softly

"I love you too baby.. okay, I feel as if you're trying to divert me from talking about what's wrong. You don't have to tell me details 'Lexi, just.. are you alright?" She asks and my heart soars, she really cares for me. I don't know why I'm all of a sudden doubting that- stupid Bianca making me doubt Casey.. or pointing it out to me that I have doubts about Casey

"I'm okay- I promise I am.. today was just a little rough, ya know? It got personal and now I'm overthinking things"

None of this is a lie. It was personal and I am overthinking everything.

What happens when we have sex and she sends me into a flashback? How upset will she get at the thought that she's the one that upset me, that did that to me?

None of the others were exactly thrilled about it and I didn't care about the others half as much as I care about Casey.

I wouldn't be able to hold it together if she left me too.

"If you need to talk, okay? I'm always here"

I chew on my lip and when I don't respond to her she looks down at me "I am here 'Lexi.. you know that?"

"I do, of course I do" I smile, a little falsely and kiss her again "thank you- now, please, turn on something else"

She chuckles and flips over to the movie channels, looking for something we'd both like to watch and all I can think of is 'will she actually leave?'

When it comes down to it, will she go?

Can I really be enough to keep her here? I'm not all that brilliant. Definitely not brilliant enough to keep her by my side when we can't have sex like normal couples do.

'Normal' never really is a word used to describe me so I probably shouldn't have assumed any relationship I'd be in would ever be normal.


	17. Chapter 17

"Hey- I got a question" Casey says from bed as I walk in coffees in hand "what is 'The Steps To Trusting'?" I look down and realize she's flicking through the book-type leaflet Bianca gave me

I cringe, this could lead to a conversation I really don't want to have.

"It's just something I got off Bianca.."

For my trust issues.

She nods, puckering her lips "Alright.. another question, do you trust me?"

I hand her her coffee and take the leaflet off her, leaving it on the bedside locker "That's a silly question Casey"

"One you aren't answering" she's very defensive- as bad as I was with Bianca yesterday Casey is obviously worse now

"Casey, I'm not going to lie to you-" I start, attempting to phrase this properly but I've obviously started on the wrong foot because she cuts me off

"So don't lie to me- you don't trust me, do you?"

"With certain aspects of my life, no I honestly don't" that's open, honest- looking in a good direction here, you're meant to be open in a relationship, right?

Casey looks so pissed off. Let's face it dishonesty gets you in less hot water.

"What don't you trust me with?"

I shift slightly away from her and she realizes she's snapping, she's angry and it's obviously making me uncomfortable- her face softens and she grabs my hand "I thought you trusted me with everything?"

"I-It's.. not you, Casey- I trust you with most things but- ugh, I can't explain this properly without telling you Case and-.."

She moves back the duvet and slides across to sit in front of me "And you think I'm going to run from you when you tell me whatever this is? You think I'll tell people? Think I'll change my opinion of you when you tell me whatever it is- your thoughts? I love you, all of you. I just want to help you"

I close my eyes and pray I can get through this, praying- never set foot in a Church in my life but suddenly praying is my thing. I'm surprising myself a lot lately.

"Fine, okay-" I bury my head into my hands and take a deep breath, I can talk about this, it's easy, just tell her, say it- then let her direct the conversation "I-I.. I'm terrified"

"Al, it's me, you don't need to be afraid honey.."

"I don't want you to think I'm weird"

That's, kinda, a start I guess.

"You aren't weird Alex, nothing about you is weird" she attempts comforting me but all I can think is that she doesn't know that, she doesn't know what I know "c'mon, try me"

"Casey- I.. never had, I mean, I never could- orgasm. I-I've wanted to but when I got the chance.."

She squeezes my hand "You couldn't?"

"I have flashbacks instead- to when he touches me. I hate it. I-It sickens me Case.." I admit to her and her hand brushes my cheek

"You think that makes you weird 'Lexi? Don't you realize that you've been through so much and you're obviously going to have some issues- especially sexual issues. You know that there's no pressure, to do anything, right? With me"

I nod and meet her eyes "I know. I'm just scared Case- what if when w-we do something together I think of him? You don't know what it's like- how I get"

"How you get? Alex, okay- I understand that this is a thought that terrifies you, it's written all over your face, but I love you and no matter what, I know that things will work out. We'll take everything as it happens, alright?" She smiles softly and I shake my head, wiping the tears rolling down my cheeks

"How can you be like this? You're so.. understanding and sweet. I'm a wreck- emotionally and mentally, how can you be acting like this with me?"

I'm in awe, shock. This woman astounds me, she's telling me everything will be okay, she's telling me that we can get through all this together and honestly? She really believes it.

"I'm treating you this way baby because I love you, it's as simple as that"

"I love you too Casey, I really do.. Can you do me a favor?" I ask, my tears drying up and she nods

"Anything"

"Kiss me"

She smirks a little and leans in, pressing her lips, slightly chastely to mine.

I chew on my lip as we break apart and she runs her hand around to the back of my neck "Everything alright?" she asks and I nod

"Fine.. I just want everything to be okay with us"

"Everything will be fine with us 'Lexi"

She believes that we can be together and get through everything and now I believe her too. She is so committed to me, it's obvious, she's happy with me. Finally someone is.

xx

"Hey"

Casey looks up from bed to me and I notice her eyes haze over when she catches sight of what I'm wearing- it's something I'd never worn before. I bought it when I was with my last girlfriend, something as a 'treat', one we never got around to due to my lack of self confidence.

See, it's a black lace, silk nightgown, one that shows my arms fully- every single scar and as well as my arms a couple on my thighs are obvious.

She doesn't seem phased by the imperfections though, she looks beyond aroused.

She finds me sexually attractive. Wow.

"A-Alex.. woah... you look amazing"

I smile and walk over to where she's lying, climbing over on top of her "I want to make you feel good" I tell her and she runs her hands over my bare thighs- being very cautious with her movements, not going up too high on my legs

"You always make me feel good 'Lexi" she husks but then pauses "are you sure? I-I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything"

I shake my head and press kisses to her neck "I'm fine- I love you and trust you. Please, let me do this"

She nods and I smirk, kissing her lips before I move down her body- I can do this. I can make her happy.


	18. Chapter 18

She's let's out a sigh of relief as she collapses back against the pillows behind her "Wow"

Her breaths are fast and short as she recovers from her intense orgasm and I smile, rolling off her, rather proud of myself if I'm honest. I know now that I can make her feel good, she's less likely to leave me if I can satisfy her-

-yes I'm completely aware how insane that sounds but at this point every thought I have in relation to this relationship is insane, I keep assuming she'll leave me and I feel guilty about it. She's told me over and over again that she won't leave, that she loves me but nothing seems to cement itself with me.

This, has helped me a little bit. I make her happy, sexually.

Her soft eyes meet mine and her content smile grows a little wider "That was really something special 'Lexi, thank you"

"No problem- I wanted to make you happy"

She hums in agreement "You did, very, very happy.. Are you alright?" she asks, her voice a little stronger now and I nod, leaning over to kiss her again

"I'm fine, honestly. I'm really am glad I was able to do this for you- can I just point out, to avoid any awkwardness tonight I don't want the favor to -uh- be returned, or attempted to be"

Casey nods and takes my hand into hers, squeezing it "You shouldn't feel pressured. When you're ready I'll only be too happy to.. attempt that with you" she smirks "but only when you're sure, okay? Don't feel like you have to do anything for me- I'm happy"

She's happy.

I pull her into my arms and kiss her again "I'm happy too Casey.. just give me a little time, okay?"

"You have all the time in the world sweetheart"

xx

_His hands move up my pajama clad thighs and I cringe, oh God no. I look down my body, I'm in my adored cherry blossom pajamas, I remember I bought them for myself for my 14th birthday. I saw them in some shop window, a mannequin was draped in these beautiful black silk pajamas with the cherry blossom pattern spiraling down the top and onto the bottoms and I knew they were what I wanted for myself._

_I used my birthday money and bought them as an attempt to make myself happy- it worked a little bit- until my Father caught a glimpse of the outfit and insisted I 'try it on'- my birthday present was then ruined_

_I feel his fingers caress the silk between them like a delicate flower, not supposed to be disturbed for fear of breaking. I need to tell someone about this, I can't stand him hurting me for much longer, he hurt me so bad one night last week that I bled. I cried so much after he left, I literally cried myself to sleep. _

_He slides down my pajama bottoms and underwear in one swift movements, but then suddenly I'm off the bed- I'm the other side of the room, far away from him?! Oh my God, what did I do! How did I manage that!?_

_I quickly look back to the bed, my heart soaring, I got away! _

_-but when I glance back, what I see terrifies me. No, no- take me back, don't you dare touch her _

_"CASEY! CASEY! NO! TAKE ME- NOT HER!" _

_I try to get back to the bed, try to stop what he's doing to the younger version of the redhead but I can't move, I'm stuck here watching her cry and beg him to stop hurting her_

_This is the one time I'd give anything to be the one getting hurt- I don't want to watch him hurting her. I can't._

_"CASEY!"_

_It's not working, neither of than can hear me! What the hell is going on? He never.. I mean, why would he have her. I try to distract myself, not look at them but her cries of pain aren't exactly easy to ignore- please, please swap me back._

I shoot awake, blinking rapidly as I try to focus my eyes- Casey.

I look to my side and find her sleeping peacefully. She's okay. He didn't hurt her. Okay breathe.

I'm shaking, my hands can't steady at all, despite my attempt to make them.

Okay, I need a glass of water, something to calm me a little bit, especially if I want to sleep again tonight. As I stand out of bed Casey stirs a little and I whisper that I'm going to get myself a drink and she turns back to her sleep

I can't believe I dreamt that, that's never happened before- it's always been flashbacks, it never turned into a full blown nightmare.

My unsteady legs carry me down to the kitchen and I flip on the light, immediately going to the sink and getting myself a large glass of water.

As I swallow it down all I can think to myself is how horrible it was to dream of that, how Casey cried- her cries ring in my ears like the wails of a dying dog. That's a beautiful comparison, my girlfriend to a dying dog. Wow, ever the romantic Alex.

I finish the glass of water and fill myself another. I'm not exactly ready to go back to bed yet I just want to relax here for a few minutes, try and calm down.

Oh God, d'ya know what'd really help me calm down-

-no. I shouldn't, I've been doing so well!

My internal battle lasts for about a minute but I eventually give in to the devil on my shoulder and begin my search- one that's a lot harder than the last time I wanted to cut in this kitchen.

She's taken all the blades, or all the obvious ones anyway, the rest are just a matter of sourcing right now. I know I'm up to the challenge, as I said before, when you're desperate enough you'll use anything as a source of your pain.

I frantically search cabinets, drawers to no avail, that is until I hit the cutlery drawer- the knives in here wouldn't cut paper (probably why she left them) but I spot a vegetable peeler out of the corner of my eye! Yes!

I fumble with the plastic around the utensil and I end up standing on it to break away the plastic after my unsuccessful attempts using my hands.

The blade is lying among the 'rubble' of the ruined vegetable peeler and I drop to my knees, not able to wait another second.

I break my skin, pulling the blade across through my pale exterior and when I see the deep red drops of blood rush to the surface, dripping down from my wrist down my arm. This is magical. Why the hell did I ever consider stopping this? I was such an idiot.

I repeat the action, only this time I push harder- maybe a little too hard. I cherish the pain though, it's flawless. I'm bleeding profusely from the second gash and I watch as the deep red slowly takes over my arm. I needed this so badly.

I'll just do one more- a little one, then I'll clean myself up and get back to bed.

I notice my right hand is trembling harder than before, the adrenaline is obviously kicking in well.

I press the blade down again, smiling weakly as I do it, this was so worth the trouble I'm going to get in with both Bianca and Casey.

I feel my eyes glaze over, my vision blurring- uh oh.. maybe I'm loosing a little too much blood.

I attempt to pull myself up from the ground using her drawer as my aid and once I'm three-quarters of the way to my feet my legs buckle and I crash to the ground, taking her cutlery drawer with me. The loud crash echoes through the kitchen and I hear Casey call my name from the bedroom

I try to call back, tell her I'm fine but my voice won't come. Oh, she's going to come down and see me like this! Shit.

She's sprinting down the hall, I hear her hurried pounding to the kitchen and when she comes in she rushes to me

"Oh Christ! 'Lexi.." She grabs a cloth and shoves it against my cuts but within a minute it's soaked through. Maybe I cut a little _too_ deep, poor Casey, she must be so frightened.

"L-Love you" I smile weakly and she growls tying a fresh cloth around my arm.

She runs out of the kitchen and is back in a flash, her beautiful red hair is what I can actually make out through my blurred vision. I close my eyes, hoping it'll help a little, force me to focus when I open them. I can't open them- my eyelids have suddenly turned to weights

She's talking, to me? Maybe, but I can't make it out. Everything's just jumbling together and then, suddenly, it just-

_-stops._

**AN: Thank you all for your support! I hope you don't all hate me too much for this, and the next..several..chapters and my lack of updates over the next couple of days (stuff's happening at home and I can't exactly throw myself into writing but I'll hopefully get the next one up really soon! You won't have _too_ long to wait)**

**Also, Stussy if you thought the last chapters' mini cliffhanger was bad I can only imagine what you're thinking of me now!**

**You'll all also find out the meaning behind the story title "Breaking Trust" soon. Something to 'look forward too' I guess!**

**Anyway, thanks again for the reviews, keep them up please! ^_^**


	19. Chapter 19

My eyes are glued to the hospital bed where my wrist is bandaged and both wrists are soft-cuffed to the rails each side of the bed. Casey hasn't come in yet, when I woke up the nurse told me that my 'friend' was outside and she said she'd send her in, that was a while ago.

I want her to come in, I want to tell her I didn't want to die. I need her to know that it was an accident. I love her I didn't want to leave like that. I cut, sure, but I didn't want to end up here like this. I wanted to relax, I wanted to calm down just so I could sleep. That didn't work out quite as I expected.

The hospital room door opens and I look up and see Casey walking in. She looks shattered and I feel a pang of guilt at making her feel so bad.

"Hi... are you alright?" I ask and she gives me an incredulous look, scoffing dryly

"You really think I'm alright?! You're kidding me Alex, look at you- look at this situation! You're lying here cuffed to a hospital bed after attempting to kill yourself-" she's pacing the floor by the side of the bed, ranting and I sigh, she doesn't understand

"-Casey I-I didn't attempt anything, I only wanted to cut, I didn't want to die. I promise you"

She shakes her head, running her hand roughly through her hair "Alex, really, promising anything to me at the minute isn't a good idea. You promised me everything was okay, you promised me you'd talk to me if there was something wrong- you didn't. So I'm sorry if I don't buy all your 'promises'!"

I have tears rapidly rolling down my cheeks and I can't even wipe them away because of the fucking restraints "I'm sorry- I-I didn't want this Casey"

"I bet you didn't want this because now you'll have to face up to what's happening" she growls and I freeze

"W-What do you mean?" I ask and she sits down on the couch across the room, she looks to be crying too but I can't tell, she won't come close to me

"I mean... A-Al, once they've seen all the scars, everything you've been doing- once you've nearly lost that much blood that you very nearly bled out on your kitchen floor, I'm pretty sure they're not just going to pack you up and send you home!"

I shake my head, pulling against my restraints "They can't make me stay! They can't force me-"

"If they think you're a danger to yourself or others they can" she tells me and I meet her eyes, the anger bubbling up inside me

"Who's side are you on?! Christ, Casey!"

She advances on me, darting off the couch "I can't stand by anymore and watch you hurt yourself! I love you and all I want is for you to be happy and you clearly aren't! So, I'm on whatever side gets you the hell better!"

She's breathing heavily as she brushes away her tears "I just want you to be okay.. and I'm so scared you won't be"

"I-I will be.."

"You don't believe that anymore than I do"

xx

The room is spinning, my eyes are watering- I mean I thought I'd get more therapists and stuff but this!

"I-I'm sorry, y-you actually want to lock me up in some crazy home?!"

The doctor shakes her head, sitting onto the bed in front if me "Okay, Alex, you need to realize this facility is not a 'crazy home'. Some of the best psychologists in the country work in partnership with these places- and this one, Saint Michaels, it specializes in recovery from abuse"

"And a vacation here will cure me all up, will it?" I ask sarcastically earning a glare and a scoff from a still very angry Casey

The doctor hands me a leaflet on this Saint Michaels place "Listen, Alex, this place is a lot nicer than 'locking you up' here. You should willingly go, let them help you"

"Help me? Well, they really will be miracle workers if they can accomplish that because honestly, nothing else has helped so.."

I hear Casey's sharp exhale, and the tension is heightened. The doctor obviously realizes that and excuses herself

"Nothing else helped.. so what exactly was I doing the past month?! Am I wasting my time- because I don't like wasting my time Alex. I mean, I really thought.. I was helping"

I look her in the eyes "Casey, you were a short term solution to a long term problem. You didn't stop my flashbacks, my nightmares, you stopped my cutting but not my urge to cut. I only stopped myself because I didn't want to hurt you. You helped but.. you kinda didn't too. You didn't waste your time- I really love you but I told you, I'm a mess and this is going to be hard" I take a deep breath, carefully calculating my next sentence "and Casey, if you can't handle that I need you to leave now" I nod towards the door and she sighs, focusing on the ground

"I'm not leaving you" she says "but I don't know Alex. I-I.. don't know what to do. I mean, okay, for example- what about that Saint Michael place? Doctor Scott gave the impression you'd be in this place for the forceable if you were going.. how could we manage?"

"We'd call... you could visit, I guess. Casey... I'm so scared of this. As bad as things were with you around imagine how bad it'll be without you?"

She sighs and the first soft look I've seen in hours appears on her face "You.. you shouldn't be scared 'Lexi. This place, it'll be hard, okay and I'm not going to lie to you and say it'll help overnight with no issues. You'll have to think about and talk about stuff you don't want to.. but I really think it could be worth it in the end for you"

I bite my lip "You really think it'll help?"

"I do.. I hope so anyway. I know I've been unbearably angry with you today Al but I'm just so worried about you. I thought you were going to die" I notice the tremor in her voice, she's nearly crying "when I saw you in our kitchen.. I-I was terrified. I couldn't imagine going back to how I was living before you"

Wow.. she's really opening up, being vulnerable "I-I.. really want you to get better because seeing you in pain hurts me too"

"Case, don't cry- please, come here" I ask her and when she comes over she sits in beside me and slips her hand into my cuffed one

"I'm gonna go" I tell her and she smiles softly, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips

"I'm very proud of you 'Lexi. You should read through that leaflet, ya know, read up on this place- see what you think?"

"Yeah"

I take a deep breath as I open the first page, what's one more attempt at getting myself back to normal?


	20. Chapter 20

"You sure this is all you want to take with you?" Casey asks lifting my suitcase from her- our- bed. It'll be hers again now anyway, I'll have my own bed at Saint Michaels Recovery Centre.

"I'm sure.. You reckon they'll let me have my iPod?" I ask and she shrugs

"Maybe? I mean, you won't do much damage with that... will you?" she asks and I shake my head, chuckling a little

"Not with the price I paid for this" I smile looking down at the iPod touch and then I think of something "hey- uh, stand over there for a minute will ya?" I ask pointing to the bedroom door and she drops the case and walks over, standing awkwardly

"Was there an intention to this or do you just enjoy me running around for you?" She jokes and I hold up the iPod

"Smile. I want a nice photo of you" I take several, something to remind me of her when we're apart. It's only now that I realize how much I'm going to miss her. How can I do this? Just up and leave.

"Done" I whisper out and when I look back over the six photos my chest tightens. I'm crying again before I know it and her arms slip around my waist

"'Lexi, it's okay. Don't cry" her hand runs from around my waist, up my back and through my hair "I know this'll be hard but you can do it. I promise, you'll be okay"

"I'm gonna miss you" I bury in closer to her, holding on tight. Like that's going to do anything, I'm only going to have to let her go eventually

"I'll miss you too Alex but I'll visit and you can call"

"I'd feel a lot better if I'd be allowed take my cell" I mumble against her and she sits us both down

"Al, these people know what they're doing, things like taking away your cell and checking your case it's all for your benefit. I know it'll be hard without your cellphone but you'll be able to call from other phones- and I'll visit, everyday" She smiles softly "this place will really help you out Alex and I know it'll be rough but you can do it- you ready to go?"

I nod and she takes my face into her hands and kisses me softly "C'mon, let's go see this place"

xx

"Calm down baby, you're shaking" Casey whispers in my ear as we walk into the recovery centre and I squeeze her hand

"I-I can't.. I'm so scared Case" I tell her and she kisses my cheek

"You're strong, you can do this" she assures me and I look around the small reception room we've just walked into, it's so white, clinical. I realize it's a recovery centre but I didn't know it'd resemble a hospital quite as much. Luckily it doesn't stink like hospitals, that disinfectant is vile.

There's modern artwork splashed around this place, statues, paintings. I'm thankful for stuff like that, kinda takes your mind off why you're here. At this stage I think nearly anything could be used as a distraction.

"You're Alexandra Cabot?" I hear from behind me and I flinch at the use of my full name

"It's- uh- Alex. Call me Alex" I turn around and face the young man, well when I say young, about my age.. yes, I still consider myself young.

He looks down at the clipboard in his hands and smiles "Okay Alex. My name is Darren, I want to take you both for a little tour of this place and tell you some information, so if you'd like to follow me"

He types a code into a keypad next to some heavy white doors and they open with a buzz, this place is creeping me out already..

"Doctor Jessica McIntyre and Doctor Steven Duffy are the two in charge of this branch of the Saint Michaels Recovery Centre- they are your go-to people" he directs the statement to me as he scans his ID card and we walk into a long corridor full of doors. I notice Casey's eyes widen slightly, she's obviously creeped out too.

"Okay-" Darren motions around us "this is the corridor with all the bedrooms. Yours is," he checks the file in front of him "room 207" we walk a little further down the hall and arrive at the door with 207 printed on the front

I take a deep breath as he opens the door, I really hope this place is nice.

We walk in and I'm actually quite surprised, it's not clinic-y. It's -almost- comfortable.

Casey drops my case down by the door as I walk around the room, it's not as cramped as I expected it to be.

"Does everything look okay Alex?" Darren asks and I nod, sitting down onto the bed in the centre of the room

"Yeah.. everything's fine"

I think I might be slightly overwhelmed, all this is hitting me, how real this is. I can't seem to engage in conversation with Darren or never Casey since we got here- I want to just lie down I think. But when I get up, Casey probably won't be here.. she has to leave and that's one thing I'm not handling.

"Okay, well- I'm sure you've read our leaflet and our rules and policies. Is this the only piece of luggage you've taken with you?" He gestures to the case by the door and I nod "And you haven't brought in your cell phone?"

I shake my head and then snap to attention "I have my iPod though- i-is that alright?"

"We'll need to check that too" he tells me and I scowl slightly prompting him to add "you'd be surprised in the past of where people have tried smuggling in objects they shouldn't have- we just need to be thorough"

I slip the iPod from my pocket and hand it to him and he excuses himself, saying he'll bring back my luggage when it's checked over and give us some more detail on the operations of this place

The door closes behind him and Casey eyes me up "You're upset?" she asks and I shake me head, lying back on the bed

"Not upset, more shocked.. This has suddenly all become very real" I admit and she walks over to me and lays in beside me, not before slipping off her shoes

"You wanna talk?"

This may be the one time I really do want to talk to her, because I know there'll be nights I'll come back to this room, nights where I've had a horrible therapy sessions and she won't be there. I won't hear her offer comfort to me or run her hands through my hair.

"Actually" I breathe out "can you just hold me? I.." I can't finish that sentence but I reckon she understands because she sighs softly, contently as she pulls me in

"You can do this 'Lexi. I know you can"

"What'll happen if I have a nightmare, a flashback? I'll wake up and you're not there, I won't be able to see that you're okay Casey- I really don't want to do this"

Her hands massage my shoulders and run gently over my back, between my shoulder blades "I'll be fine, Alex, you shouldn't be worried about me. If something happened to me- which it won't- but if it did, they'd contact you. You're here sweetheart to focus on you, please don't be worrying about me"

"It's just hard.. I love you"

Her lips press to the nape of my neck "I love you too Alex. I'll be okay, and you will be too, it'll just take a little bit of time to get there, but you will"

I will. I just need to take my time, and work out what the hell is going on in my head. Maybe then I'll become a proper functioning human being. What a relief that'll be when it does finally happen.

xx

**_AN: Hi! I'm sorry, this is a kinda short update. I wanted to post something so not to leave you all waiting but I've been really busy over the past couple of days so it's not as long as I'd like. _**

**_The whole 'Breaking Trust' aspect may be a little later coming into play than I anticipated, I'll need to set some background for Alex before that whole fiasco gets dumped in her lap! _**

**_I'm really glad you're all enjoying reading the story as much as I am writing it! Please keep up the wonderful reviews! Thank you _**


	21. Chapter 21

Casey's gone.

They allowed her to stay for a couple of hours, we took more of a tour of this place, met with some more doctors, psychologists and I got my luggage back. Everything was alright, I even got my iPod back, thankfully.

I learned some more about this place thanks to the tour, it's pretty nice. There's some day rooms, common areas with tv's, DVDs, different things. There's some beautiful gardens where we can spend some time if we'd like to- this place might actually be bearable, with the exception of the therapy.

I was talking to the therapist this evening that will be working with me, Doctor Brooke Gardner. She seems sweet, I mean, she's kind and welcomed me here but I get the feeling that when we're in a room together, discussing whatever the hell is going on with me, that she'll push me- hard.

"Okay" I sigh, getting to my feet off the bed, I need to get out of this room. I'll go down to the garden maybe, see if anybody's around. It'd be nice to get to know some people here, people who understand what I've been through because they've been through something similar.

I slip out of my 'designated living area' down the long corridor and outside into the beautiful well-lit garden. I smile looking around, there are benches littering around facing generous flower beds, beautiful roses, lilly's, tulips, carnations.. nearly every flower you could think of. Something tells me I'll spend an awful lot of time here in the future

"Hey" I hear a rough voice come from behind me "blondie, you new here?"

"Y-Yeah.." I turn around and see the kinda scruffy looking man smiling and I smile back "I'm Alex, and you?"

"Daniel" he tells me and we both sit together onto a wooden bench

"So, you wanna wise me up about this place? Anything I need to know?" I ask and he shrugs

"It's your typical place"

I raise an eyebrow at this, 'your typical place' is definitely not how is describe this..

"They call you in the mornings- I thought I'd get a rest when I came here" he chuckles a little "sadly not. Uh- I'd advise you to get into the dining hall early for meals if you want variety.."

"You're making it sound like a prison" I become slightly uneasy and he shakes his head

"Honestly? It's not as bad as I'm sure you're thinking it is. When I first got here, for the first couple of weeks I hated it. I'm glad you don't really seem like that"

I fidget a little with my track suit bottoms "Can I ask you something Daniel?" He nods and after I take a deep breath I continue "have you got anybody on the outside that you're really close to? A family member, friend, anybody?"

He nods, smiling sadly "My daughter, Annabelle.. why? You missing someone already?"

I nod, biting down on my lip "My partner. I'm just so used to having her around and.."

"You're worried you won't be able to cope alone?" He asks and I meet his eyes, nodding

I'm nearly crying again and he obviously notices my eyes glazing over because he opens his arms "You can hug me, ya know- I wouldn't like to assume in case you're all jumpy with new people- most people in here don't like to be touched, that's another warning"

I move in closer to him and accept the hug he's offering, let's face it this is the only physical contact I'll be getting tonight now Casey's gone "I don't mind- in not jumpy"

We break apart and after a minute of silence I turn back to him "It's beautiful out here at night, isn't it? The stars and everything"

"I spend a lot of my nights here Alex. You'd get sick of being inside after a while"

"Yeah, well, I think I might join you out here"

xx

"Alex, your appointment?" I hear Brooke ask from the door of the dining area and I look up, wincing slightly, after the sleep I had last night it's a miracle I remembered breakfast, never mind my appointment

"I'm s-so sorry" I stutter standing to my feet and Brooke smiles softly

"Don't worry Alex, just c'mon out when you've cleared up"

I go to the sink and wash up my plate, dropping it into the draining board and I follow out into the hall to where I find Brooke waiting

"Hey" she smiles, nodding towards the therapy rooms and I follow after her

"Hi.. I'm sorry, I completely forgot about our session" I sigh and she shakes her head

"Don't you worry Alex, if I'm honest you look like you're lucky to be up and about, are you okay? Rough night?" She asks as we walk into the room and sit together

"It's hard to settle in" I admit, thinking back over last night. I was so tired, I really would've given anything to fall asleep- even risking nightmares but I just couldn't. I think it was being away from Casey, being in a new place- it's just new and nobody really likes change.

"It is, you'll find that over the next week maybe. When you get into a routine and make some friends things might be a little easier" she offers supportively and I nod, maybe she's right "Oh, also I thought I'd let you know I've been forwarded notes from a.. Doctor Scott, so I do know some specifics of your case"

"Right.. so I don't have to go into everything with you? You've read it?"

She closes over the file in her hand and drops it onto the table between us "Actually, I'd prefer you to talk a little about your past- see, I do things a little differently. Usually patients go to therapists with the goal to get over a traumatic event in their past, I don't want to just get you over it as such, I want you to open up, clue me in on how every detail, every movement- everything- made you feel.. My goal will become more apparent as me continue"

I swallow thickly, feelings wouldn't be a conversational point for me. Opening up and making myself vulnerable is hard because that gives the other person an opportunity to pray on your weaknesses, knock you down. I already dislike therapy.

"You look terrified" she notes and I shrug, trying to downplay everything but honestly my heart is hammering "okay, Alex- I want you to know before we start, you can stop at anytime if it feels too much for you, but of I sense you're making a breakthrough I may push you forward a little bit- I'm not being cruel, I'd only do it in your best interest"

"Okay" I exhale noticeably shaky and Brooke sits forward and takes my hand into her own squeezing it a little

"Keep calm Alex- just take a deep breath and when you're ready, start talking"

"My main problem, the root of all this is my father.."

It's as good a place as any to start, right?

xx

"Alex?" I hear the surprise in Casey's voice as she walks into my bedroom to find me shaking slightly and staring off blankly

She's here. Oh thank god.

I get to my feet, scared by the shake in my legs feeling like I may fall. I ignore my feeling and race to her, basically jumping into the hug she's offering "Hey sweetheart, you okay?"

"I missed you" I say against her neck but it comes out muffled and I worry for a second she didn't hear me

She presses a kiss to my lips and walks me over to the bed where we both lay down together "I missed you too Al, a lot. The apartment was so quiet, I hated it"

This makes me feel a little happy- it shouldn't because she's obviously struggling but she feels the same as me, this is difficult for her. She misses me.

I notice her studying me slightly "You didn't sleep last night" she notes and I shake my head meekly

She pulls me in even tighter to her so I'm laying in her arms "I didn't sleep well either honestly. It's hard when you're so used to having someone beside you"

"The bed feels so big without you" I admit and she nods

"Agreed- Alex, you're obviously shattered, would you not try and sleep a little while I'm here?" She asks and I bury my head into her shoulder

"But you're here to visit me-"

"And I'd rather I knew you got some good sleep than you trying to force yourself to stay awake"

"I love you" I tell her as I let my eyes slip shut and she runs her hand over my shoulders, whispering the affectionate phrase back to me

I'm so glad she's here.

xx

"You're back?" I ask her that night, surprised to see her again when she walks into the gardens- she left a few hours ago when dinner was being served, there's no set visiting times here but the staff would prefer visitors not to come during meal times

"Well don't sound so happy to see me" she says jokingly with me as she sits into the bench beside me "he's for you" she tells me handing me a medium sized teddy bear and I smile, tears of joy welling up in my eyes

"What's he for?" I ask inspecting the toy "he's gorgeous"

She smiles at the compliment of her choice of toy "Well, earlier you said the bed was big without me. Maybe having something to hold at night will make you feel a little better- something to protect"

"I'm surprised they let you bring him in" I say honestly, they've been really stuck up about luggage and stuff- guess it's for my own safety

"They checked him, extensively- and before I'm allowed go near you I'm scanned with a metal detector, not that I'd smuggle you anything in, you're here to get better"

"Safety precautions I guess.. Thank you Casey, so much for him. He's really cute and honestly, just what I needed. If I can't have you, I'll take second best" she kisses me softly then pulls away, looking around the garden a little

"It's stunning out here, we'd never plant anything like this at home" she chuckles and I scoff

"Casey neither of us are exactly green thumbed are we? I think gardening is beyond us a little"

She smiles "I don't know, I reckon growing plants would be easy- it's not like they're children who need constant attention. What? You'd water 'em and put 'em out when it's hot, that'd be about it right?"

"You're honestly asking me?- I have no clue. I had nothing only water them"

"Ya know what, I think I'll buy some plants for the apartment"

I groan, dropping my head "I'll either come home to a thriving rain forest or a whole pile of compost"

"Yeah well at least I'm being constructive, it's something to pass the time... I really miss you"

I move over into her lap and rest my head against her "I'm sorry I'm here- leaving you like this. It must be hard for you"

"It's not exactly a walk in the park for you either 'Lexi, anyway- I don't mind you leaving, as long as you get better"

"I will. I'm really trying" I promise her and she squeezes me in her arms

"I know you are and I couldn't be prouder of you"


	22. Chapter 22

I've been here a week now and honestly it's not gotten much easier. I still miss Casey a lot but I see her regularly so it makes it a little easier. I made a couple of friends too, Shana- a woman who's been here for a couple of weeks. She's a really kind person with a big heart, I'm glad I met her. Daniel and I became closer too through our nightly meetings in the garden, we even shared a bit about our pasts, why we're here. He's had a similar experience to me that led to him getting hooked on prescription pills as well as harder substances. I've grown closer to him and I'm happy- he's a good friend to have here.

Therapy however, has actually gotten worse.

I walk out of my appointment with Brooke today, my heart racing, she made me have a flashback- on purpose I think. It was the regular one, him touching me. You'd imagine by now the affect it'd have on me would dim just a little bit.

Sadly not.

At this stage I'm just dying to see Casey, everything feels so much better with her around. I really love her.

I race down to my bedroom where she usually waits for me and when I open the door surprise hits me as the anger inside me boils "W-What are you doing here?" I ask the woman I haven't seen a couple of months now, how did she find out about this? Oh God.

"I'm here to visit- ain't that what friends do?" Abbie asks and I pace the room, my temper growing

"Did she tell you I was here?!" I growl out and Abbie stands off the bed, walking over to me but I quash any attempt she has at defending herself "Abbie! Did she tell you I was here?!"

"Yes! Okay, fine she told me but Alex it's honestly not in the way you're thinking it is"

My nostrils flair as I wait for her to continue, please do try and explain to me how the woman who promised wouldn't go behind my back and talk about this actually did!

"This is hitting Casey hard, being away from you, seein' you like this Alex. You can't expect her to sit home alone not talking to anyone about how she's feeling! She needs a friend to help her through this too- do you think I'm gonna gossip about you or something? I'm your friend, I wanna be here for you"

I scoff drily "Abbie, where have you been the couple months?! I've been like this for weeks, living with Casey for weeks-"

"Don't you even try that Alex! When did you call me? When did you tell me ANYTHING about any of this. Casey was the one to tell me anything about how you are! You know if you had said anything about this to me, despite working out of state I'd drop everything and come to you! I can't do anything if you don't let me in Alex!"

I sigh, running my hand through my hair "Abbie, I'm sorry I shouldn't have had snapped at you about not being around, I know I didn't call but... I asked Casey not to tell anyone and she went behind my back to you"

Abbie takes my hand into hers, squeezing it gently as she sits back onto the bed "Al, Casey needs somebody to unload to as well. The woman is a mess"

I sit in beside her on the bed, intrigued, Casey hasn't mentioned being upset or struggling.. I guess she doesn't want to add to my stress "Is she okay?" I ask and Abbie takes a deep breath, shaking her head

"I don't know. She's upset- she misses you. Did she tell you she was back in work?"

I shake my head "No" I breathe out, what else has she not told me?

"Well she has and she's been really throwing herself into work. Liz had to force her to go home Wednesday night"

I sigh, dropping my head into my hands "Why didn't she tell me any of this Abbie? I-I.. thought she trusted me?"

"She does trust you Alex but I assume she doesn't wanna stress you out, I don't know. You shouldn't be mad at her for telling me"

"I'm not mad" I lie, a little. I'm not really that mad, I'm more disappointed. I know she needs to talk but to mutual friends? I really wish she wouldn't talk to people we both know. Stories get out, get changed. By the time I get out of here, whenever that is, far more people will know than I'd like them too.

"So what is up?" she asks and I sigh

"Can you please not tell anybody else? I don't want anybody to know Abbie" I warn her and she shakes her head

"Of course I won't tell anyone Al. It's nobody's business. Alex, are you sure you aren't mad at Casey for telling me? I was only lending an ear-"

She could've asked me, I wouldn't have minded as much if she asked me. I know I still would've been uncomfortable with her telling someone close to me like Abbie but I wouldn't feel as bad as I do now. She's upset, she's struggling and she can't come to me and admit it. I thought that's whats wrong with how I'm acting? One of my problems was that I couldn't talk to her- but she's not talking to me either?

"Alex" Abbie interrupts my thoughts and I shake my head

"No, I'm not mad. Abbie, thanks for coming but I'm kinda tired. You think you could come back tomorrow maybe? I wanna try and rest for a while"

Lying is becoming frequent. I should be 'open, honest'- yeah, right.

Everything is so messed up in my head, I feel a migraine coming on and I want to relax for a little while. She needs to leave.

"I'll come back later in the week Al- I think Casey's coming to see you tonight, you should let her know how you're feeling"

Why should I exactly? She's not telling me how she's feeling.

"Yeah, I will" I give Abbie a hug before she slips out of the room and when I'm alone I lay down onto the bed and I let myself cry

I bury into my duvet and sob out of a combination of anger, upset and general bewilderment. I'm so messed up at the minute, between therapy, Abbie showing up and telling me that Casey's having a horrible time and that Casey gave her details on why I'm here.

Why would she go behind my back like that?

I look over to the bear on the bed beside me and I pull it in close to me, nuzzling against it. I hate that she told Abbie and I hate that Casey felt like she couldn't come to me but I don't hate Casey.

I think later I'll just need to talk to her later- a proper conversation.

xx

"Alex? Baby, you awake?" I hear Casey ask softly from the door and I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes

"Yeah, I am. How're you?"

She walks in and sits onto the bed "I'm alright. I'm glad you're sleeping"

"Abbie was here" I tell her and she nods, sighing

"Alex, I'm sorry-" I cut her off, she won't just apologize, I'm going to grill her on this

"For what exactly?" I ask and I continue, venting out what went through my mind earlier "you sorry about going behind my back and telling Abbie? Oh! How about being sorry for lying to me about how you actually are?"

"A-Alex- sweetheart, I know I should've asked you before I said anything to Abbie but I met her in the office and she asked what was wrong- it kinda went from there, I hadn't talked about it really and once I started I didn't really stop.. I'm sorry" she takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye before continuing "I should've told you that this was difficult on me too Alex but you're the one who's under stress- I don't wanna dump stuff on you when you're in here dealing with your own problems"

I shake my head, looking her over "Is that not what we're meant to do in a relationship? I mean Christ, what do you want me to do Casey! You and therapists sit there saying 'oh be open, honest, talk to Casey!' why would I bother if you won't?" I growl and Casey sighs

"I know Al.. I'm sorry I never came to you I just didn't want to stress you out"

"Did you tell anybody else?"

"Nobody- honestly Alex, when I was talking to Abbie I just needed to vent a little. She promised me she wouldn't tell anybody" she sounds very beat up about the situation and I do honestly believe it was a mistake

"Casey, I get that you don't want to talk to me because I have a lot on my plate already but I'd much rather you talk to me than to Abbie" I tell her and she nods

"Okay, I'll talk to you from now on- you know I am really sorry for going behind your back like that, right?"

I nod and she pulls me into her arms but as we lay together all I can think is she didn't come to me until I forced her to. I feel a knot in my stomach at that, she may have been looking out for me but she still felt she had to go to somebody else. It's highlighting it to me that while I'm in here things are still happening in the world, things are still happening with Casey.

Maybe tying her down isn't the best idea.


	23. Chapter 23

"Hey, uh Darren?" I ask the man as he turns to leave after giving me my wake up call and he turns back smiling softly

"You alright Alex?" He says and I nod, sitting up

"Could you hold any visitors coming in to see me today? I-I'm not really in the mood to see anybody" I tell him and he nods

"I'll leave a note at the front desk. Is everything alright Alex? Do I need to ask one of the doctors to come and speak to you?" He says and I shake my head lying back down

"No, I'm fine until my session. Just hold back on visitors, alright?"

He leaves and I curl even further into my duvet, I don't feel like leaving bed today. I feel sick, not hungry, so that covers the eating part. I'll have to leave to go to therapy but that's about it, they can't force me out of bed.

Last night things were still rough between Casey and I, I was quiet. She knew I wasn't myself and before she left she asked again if I was okay, I assured her I was and that I loved her. Then I made my decision, I can't force her to sit waiting for me like she is. I hate myself for what I'm doing to her and honestly, I think things will just be so much easier for her if I let her go.

How can she possibly be happy with me being in here?

She wouldn't be. She's struggling according to Abbie and she's such a wonderful person, she does not deserve to feel like this, not over me.

I love her and I hate that things have to happen this way but it does have to. I don't know how I'll cope, especially when I really start missing her. I guess I'll just have to be strong, push myself. Let's face it I've endured worse.

I obviously fall asleep because I'm startled awake by Brooke calling me from the door and I roll over, checking the clock on the wall

"It's not our session?" I ask and she nods, walking into the room and sitting on the end of the bed

"No, it isn't our session Alex but there's another issue. You haven't gotten out of bed all day, you haven't eaten- Darren was concerned when you turned away visitors too. So, I'm here to talk to you. What's going on?" She asks, and she genuinely looks concerned. I don't want to open up to her though, talking is not the solution to every damn problem

-oh and blocking everything out is? Christ, I'm dense sometimes. Surely sharing this with a third party would offer perspective?

But honestly I just feel so drained I don't want to go into details. I want to just sleep- ah my childhood motto is back.

"I'm fine Brooke, just had a rough night"

"You've been having a lot of them lately" she notes aloud and I scowl

"Listen, I'll be at therapy. Just please, get out of my room, I'm fine"

She leaves, telling me again to be at therapy at four sharp. Yay, I just cannot wait for that.

xx

Therapy was hell. More probing about my anti-social behavior took place and honestly it made me worse, not better. With every stupid word that fell from Brooke's perfectly glossed lips I wanted to smack her so hard. She thinks she knows me so well, she thinks just because she has her college degrees framed on her dull office walls that she's better than everyone. She's not.

I'll decide whether I want to talk or not and today I don't. Is it too much to ask to be alone for one damn day?

My stomach grumbles loudly as I walk by the dining hall and I realize if I plan on staying any way alert I'll need something to eat. I begrudgingly make my way into the area and look around, thankfully its mainly empty.

I throw some mashed potato onto a plate from the self service area and add what I think is some kind of chicken casserole, that could easily pass for dishwater.

I turn my nose up slightly as I walk away from the service area and I chose to sit at a table with I woman I recognize from seeing in the gardens a lot.

She smiles when I sit across from her "Hey, I'm Leslie" she offers me her hand which I shake

"Alex" I tell her as I start into my dishwater- sorry casserole and potatoes. This certainly isn't the cooking of home used to. The food up until today hasn't been too bad, all of a sudden nothing about this place seems too great.

"You alright?" Leslie asks me and I realize I've turned to playing with my food rather than eating it, so much for being hungry.

"No, I'm really not" I admit to her and she stays silent, giving me the opportunity to continue "I know we're all in here to heal but.." I run my hand over my cardigan sleeve "I just wish I had something.. anything.. to.." I don't need to finish my sentence, she nods in understanding and after a minute looks me over

"You bad at them?" She asks and I raise my sleeves to the elbow, showing the mostly healed gashes

"That the answer you looking for?" I ask and she gestures to my most recent entry

"That the one that put you here, right?"

I nod, thinking back to that night in the kitchen, that peeler, I'd give anything to have it again. Maybe this time I wouldn't stop, I'd be more tactical- not drag Casey's cutlery down on top of me- I'd be quiet. Finish myself.

"Cut too deep" I breathe out and she raises her own sleeve, revealing a similar scar

"I meant mine. Hated myself. My husband found me lying in a pool of my own blood- called 911 and they- uh- 'thankfully' revived me" she sounds sarcastic, it makes me smile- like Casey. I miss Casey.

"I wish I could do it again" I whisper, afraid incase Brooke was listening- I don't know how she would be but honestly I wouldn't be surprised. Everyday in this damn place is making me more and more paranoid, I hate it.

"You can- if you're quiet about it" Leslie's voice is lower than mine now and my eyes widen slightly at the possibility

"H-How?!" I'm eager, beyond eager.

"There's a patient, a friend of mine, who has something that could help you out"

She's suggesting he has something I can use to cut- this is amazing.

I raise an eyebrow "Oh yeah? When could I get it?"

"Give me about half an hour, meet me in the garden- if you tell anyone Alex you'll mess it up, don't-"

I cut her off, believe me, I don't need the threats, this is an advantage to me "You don't need to warn me. Thank you"

She nods, standing from the table "See you soon"

I smile to myself, this is genuinely the happiest I've felt in days.

xx

I sit in the bathroom, the toilet lid down and my legs pulled up against my chest. Leslie got the blade off the friend of hers, she said she'd meet me tonight to give it back and not to cut too deep- don't make them obvious.

Maybe my thighs would be the better option, let's face it they're not going to have a reason to strip me- someone might ask to look at my arms and if they see fresh cuts I'm in it- not just me but Leslie and whoever had this blade in the first place. To be honest I'm surprised anybody smuggled anything like this in, I guess if you're desperate enough you'll find ways- they don't check you body coming in, clothes sure, not skin.

Something this small would blend right in.

I stand off the lid and slip my jeans down my legs, I lick my lips as I finger the blade in my surprisingly steady hand. Go, just do it. It'll be such a relief.

I touch the blade to the skin of my thigh and just barley scratch it, a small amount of blood comes out but not enough that I need a paper towel to dab it away, my fingers smear it slightly and I'm good to go.

I just wanted to show myself I could cut but not too deep. Now, I can do a real cut.

I push harder this time, drawing a decent amount of blood- enough to make me smile- this is what I wanted, needed. I needed this.

I do a couple more, none of them too deep and I clean myself up quickly- I don't want to be gone long enough to be missed by anybody. I need to get back to my room for a little while, relax. I flush away the bloody paper towels and carefully slip back on my jeans, I wouldn't want to aggravate them too much and risk getting myself caught.

I walk to the sink the blade in close to my hand incase anybody else comes into the bathroom and when I'm in the clear I rinse it off and dry it with some paper towels and wrap it in one, shoving it into my jeans pocket.

Effortless.

I smile walking out of the bathroom and as I make my way down to the bedroom I hear someone call my name behind me, I whirl around and see Darren, phone in-hand "Uh, Alex. You said no visitors but there's a woman here desperate to talk to you"

"Casey?" I ask and he nods walking up to me

"That's the one- you wanna take it?" He asks and I nod

"Could I take it in my bedroom? I'll drop the phone back down when I'm done?" I ask and he assures me it's fine, take as long as I need to

I walk into the bedroom and knock the call off hold "Alex? Alex?! Are you there?! Please Al, please talk to me. They said you didn't want visitors- are you alright? They didn't say there was anything wrong.. baby?"

My heart clenches at the break in her voice, I feel so bad for causing her yet more pain she doesn't deserve. I need to put an end to this now, tell her

"Listen to me, I'm fine. I don't want you, I don't want anybody to visit me. Casey I want you to forget about me- forget I'm here, forget we were ever romantically involved. When I come out- if I do- I'll collect my belongings and leave you alone. Just please, move on. Goodbye."

I hang up on her, not giving her the chance to talk me out of it because let's face it, all she'd have to say is that she loves me and wants to wait and I'd be sold. I can't be so selfish, expecting her to sit around waiting.

No, now she's free. It's what's best. I'm where I belong and hopefully soon she will be too, in the arms of someone who deserves her.


	24. Chapter 24

"You have your own personal sit in out there, ya know?" Darren says from the door and I sigh, sitting up

"Casey?" I ask sadly and he nods

"Will I have her removed Alex? -Is there no chance at all that you'd see her?"

"No. Don't have her removed, send her back, please" he smiles at my minor improvement, or what he thinks is my minor improvement. I want to call her back here and tell her to knock it off, go home. Jesus, I thought I was blunt enough in my phone call.

I pull myself out of bed deciding to throw myself together before she comes in. I put on my jeans and a tshirt and sit waiting for her to arrive.

She does, maybe half a minute later. She looks horrible. Her eyes are red-rimmed with heavy bags underneath, her forehead is creased, her shoulders are clenched tight. She looks beyond stressed out as she paces the floor

"Alex, w-what's going on? I thought we were okay why did you call an-and just drop everything? I-I love you Alex, I don't want us to break up- please, I miss you. I know things are hard but we can do it" she's pleading with me, she's crying, I hate watching this.

"Casey- you need to understand I can't do this. I can't- uh..."

She brushes away the tears rolling down her cheeks and cuts me off "You can't do what?! A-Alex breaking us up is not the answer to whatever's going on! How can I just forget you? Please, clue me in on how I can just forget you because I can't do it!"

I sigh, dropping my head into my hands in frustration "Casey you don't get it-"

She growls, butting in again "Make me get it! Hell, explain it to me! How can I just erase you from my brain because I have no way! I love you too much to just give up! Don't you love me too?" Her voice has softened, on the verge of breaking again from her upset

"Look at you Casey" I gesture to her "look, you're a mess- over me! Before today you were struggling because of me- because you were away from me, because you were worried about me. You are such a great person, so sweet and kind, beautiful- you don't deserve this. You're better off without me" I tell her and she drops to her knees in front of me, putting her hands on my knees

"Do you think I look better off without you?" She asks and I shake my head mutely, she looks like hell. Maybe I did make a mistake? "Alex, I love you- you being in here is rough on me too, it is. But I'd rather wait for you on the outside, have something to look forward to than sit around knowing I have nothing. I want to visit you, I want to help you through this Alex- I can't forget you"

I clench my teeth, running my hand through my hair "Casey.. I-I thought I was helping- Abbie said you weren't dealing very well with me being away and I just thought that you'd be better off without me. It must be horrible being away from me- as bad as I am here"

"It is horrible, I hate being away from you but if this is what you need to get better well I'll just need to deal with it. I miss you while you're here but I can manage- Abbie had no right to tell you I was struggling-"

I scowl at her "No, she didn't have the right to tell me, you should've told me. I understand you didn't want to load me up with your problems but Casey, for my own sanity I'd prefer if you did talk to me- I want to help you too"

"I think our problem is a communication one" she tells me and I nod in agreement

"Yeah, you're right. Listen, can we please just forget all this, I'm sorry-"

"I am too. Is everything alright now?" she asks and I get down off the bed and onto the floor, into her arms

"I love you- I-I'm just so screwed up at the minute Casey, I-I can't deal with everything. I'm sorry I messed with you- I just, my head is everywhere" I attempt to explain and she shakes her head, pulling me in for a soft kiss

"You and I can handle this Al"

It feels like we've been saying that a lot lately.

"You're so beautiful" I tell her, I want us to feel like a couple again.

"You are too, stunning" she pushes some hair behind my ear and she flashes me a smile

Things feel a little better between us now, I'm glad. Yesterday was a huge mistake, overthinking leading to overreacting.

One thing I don't regret? The cutting. God, last night I hardly slept but I was relaxed! I cannot let her find out about them, she'd get me in trouble and it just cause an unnecessary argument- one I certainly do not have the energy for.

xx

Daniel smiles as I sit into the bench beside him "Hey, you seem more bright-eyed tonight" he notes and I nod

"Casey and I made up" I smile and he pats my back

"I'm happy for you Alex. I hated seeing you so upset last night.." he hesitates then lowers his voice "did you check them today" he gestures to my thighs and I nod

"They're fine" I tell him and he raises an eyebrow

See, last night he noticed how on edge I was, he noticed my wincing when I put a little too much pressure against my thighs- he asked, or rather assumed and I confirmed his thoughts. He promised me he wouldn't say anything, but he wanted to look out for me.

"You're sure?"

"Honestly, they've healed up a lot today"

I think back to yesterday, my desperation to use literally anything to cut. I would've gone to the extent of breaking a glass pane or something if I thought I'd get away with it.

Being in here is just getting to me, therapy is intense, it's hard being away from Casey for such a long time, I have a lot of thinking time.

Being here doesn't seem to be making a difference though? It actually seems to be making me worse.

At least being with Casey I felt safe.

I don't feel safe in here.


	25. Chapter 25

_His hands roam under my pajama top and over my newly bought bra, I feel sick. His touch makes me feel physically sick, I want to run away, leave and never come back. _

_"You're really filling out Alexandra" he hums against my ear and I suppress the bile rising in my throat at his satisfied tone _

_I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, attempting to block him all out. Just pretend it isn't happening. Forget him, his touch, the pain. Pretend you're happy._

_One hand rests against my semi-developed breast as his other slips beneath my waistband- I'm on the verge of tears but I know I need to wait, I can't let him see me cry, not again. I attempt to steady my breathing as he forcefully pushes into me but I can't bite back a cry of pain when he catches me one particular way _

_"Oh my baby girl, I'm sorry, I'll make it all better" he coos and I, again, feel incredibly sick. This is worse than before- he actually thinks he's making me feel better by going gentler _

_I feel the heavy blood smear the tops of my thighs and I realize that he really did catch me the wrong way, it's bad tonight. I just want him to stop. _

_After what feels like hours he pulls away from me, pressing a gentle kiss to my cheek before whispering a goodnight and leaving the room. _

_As soon as I can't hear his foot steps echoing through the hall anymore I drag myself up and inspect the damage, I'm going to be in so much pain tomorrow, as sore as it is now it's always worse the next morning._

_I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up, I want all this to stop for good. A permanent escape. I really want to die._

I'm trembling when I come back around and I notice Brooke eyeing me up "That seemed intense" she notes and I nod, unable to even offer an eye roll or sarcastic comment I'm that shaken up

I take a deep breath and Brooke sits forward, catching my attention "Okay Alex, tell me about what you just remembered"

She's saying particular things to trigger flashbacks with me and as much as I hate her for making me relive it I have to say she's doing good work- she's making me talk.

"Um.. I, uh.." I lick my lips that have suddenly dried out and take a deep breath, talk to her, this will make you better and get you out of here- tell her "I remembered him touching me, God, I was about fourteen, maybe fifteen- it was a really bad night. H-He hurt me so bad"

I have to pause, take another breath, talking about flashbacks with Brooke are not as easy as talking about them with Casey. With Casey I don't feel judged. Here I do.

"I bled again" I instinctively close my legs tighter as I talk "I was a mess"

"How long did it last?" She asks me and I shrug

"Felt like hours, it always did. I'm not sure on actual time" I admit and she nods

"Okay, and afterwards on this night, how did you feel?"

I lower my eyes, ashamed to admit the truth, but I have to if I want to her home anytime soon- I need to get out of here "Dirty, used- like I wanted to die"

"At such a young age, to have feelings like that, strong suicidal thoughts Alex, must've really affected you" she notes aloud and I chuckle uncomfortably

"Would that not be why I'm here? I mean that man, the man who was meant to protect me completely fucked me up! I-I counted on him to keep me from harm b-but he threw me straight into it! I trusted him and he.. broke me"

My stomach knots after my rant, there's things I just told this woman that I've never admitted to myself. He destroyed me after I trusted him.

"Do you think that this breech of trust has impacted on your adult life? Your relationships?"

I nod, biting my tongue, of course it has. I'd like to think I trust Casey but honestly I really don't! It was hard enough to trust her before she went to Abbie but now.. I don't know if I can trust her. Maybe it'll get better with time?

"In what way Alex?" She pushes me to open up to her

"I-I don't trust my girlfriend. I'd like to, she's a really good person and she loves me but I'm scared"

"Right" Brooke nods, scrutinizing me again "and has this woman given you a reason not to trust her?"

I inhale sharply but still don't reply and Brooke notes aloud "I'll take the silence as a yes?"

"She told a mutual friend I was in here, I'd asked her not to tell anybody and she still went to Abbie behind my back! She said she was doing it to unload, she didn't mean to go behind my back like she did but she still did.."

"Okay, I understand your upset and anger. She really shouldn't have done that, especially when you specifically told her not to tell anybody. Did she apologize?" Brooke asks and I shift in my seat, I feel so stiff when I come into this office, maybe it's sitting for such a length of time

"She did- a lot. She said she didn't mean to tell Abbie but she needed to talk to someone- I just hate that other people are finding out"

"Why?"

Okay, is all this woman does ask questions? More of an input would be nice, I hate basically being the only one talking. I feel exposed.

"Because... I don't want my past broadcast around. Was that not obvious? Would you want your friends to know stuff like this if you were me?"

"If I'd known them for a while, it'd be healthy to have told them- obviously you wouldn't like other people telling them but they should know if they're real friends- this Abbie person, is she a good friend to you?"

"Yeah, she is. She has a job out of state now and we don't keep in contact as much as we should but I know she cares about me"

"Good. So having your girlfriend tell Abbie about what you've been through shouldn't be a massive trauma. I realize that she broke your trust Alex, the trust you were attempting to bridge with her and that'll take some time to mend back up but she told somebody you're close to, that knows you- she wasn't malicious, she wasn't going to somebody you didn't know and talking about you viciously"

I run my hand across my forehead, she's right, Casey told Abbie because she knew Abbie would want to be there for me through this and she trusted Abbie not to say anything. Okay, perspective is a good thing, I should've really talked to Brooke sooner.

"Casey needed to talk to somebody" I tell Brooke who nods in agreement

"Of course she did, you have therapists and people in similar situations to talk to about your problems- she needed someone to talk to about how she's feeling. You should be happy shes chosen someone like Abbie who she trusts has your best interests at heart"

I smile inwardly, therapy finally became good for something!

xx

"I love you" I pull Casey against me the minute she walks in and she releases a deep breath against my neck

"I love you too 'Lexi" she pulls back, kissing me softly "everything alright?" She asks concerned and I nod, smiling a little

"Fine. I'm so glad you're here. I-I just came out of therapy"

She looks puzzled to why I'm smiling and I take her hand into mine and lead her to my bed "I talked to Brooke about what's been going on" I tell her as we sit together "We talked about trust issues and I talked about you telling Abbie-"

"-Alex, I thought we were okay? I-I-"

I press my fingers to her lips, stopping her freaking out and I laugh a little "Will you calm down? Do I look upset?"

She shakes her head and I continue

"I talked to her about you telling Abbie and Brooke made it really clear to me that you only did it because, one, you needed to talk too- in order to stop you bottling it all up and eventually freaking out- and two, because you only wanted to do what you thought was best. Abbie is my best friend- excluding you- and well, you thought she was someone you could trust and she deserved to know.. She did and honestly I don't know if I'd have ever told her. I'm not mad at you, I'm not upset- I love you"

I move my fingers away from her lips and wipe off her tearstained cheeks "You're getting worse than me for the crying Case"

"I-I... just want you to be okay Alex. I'm really happy you're talking about things and properly dealing with them- it's such an improvement on punishing yourself with cutting. It's nice to see you like this"

Uh-oh.. cutting. She doesn't know- and she never will.

I'm not going to do it again, I don't need to, she's right it's nice that I can deal with this in this way. Punishing myself isn't the answer. I don't need to do it again and she'll never need to find out how weak I was- never.

xx

**AN: Hi everyone! I just want to take a moment to thank you all so much, over 100 reviews on this story, it's really wonderful to get such a positive response to my writing. So, a big thank you for all your feedback and please keep it up! - Megan**


	26. Chapter 26

I lay in my bedroom with my headphones in, smiling to myself. Today has been an amazing day. Abbie came to see me again and we talked, properly this time. I was really open with her, told her an awful lot- she cried, I did too but I feel all the more better for it now.

Abbie told me Casey isn't feeling well, a bug or something and I have to admit I'm worried about her. She called after dinner earlier and told me she couldn't come in- she didn't want to make me sick and I told her to call when she needed to talk, that'd I'd stay awake for a while.

My music is interrupted by commotion right outside my door- knocking! I slip my earphones out and go to answer it, when I do I'm faced with an anxious Daniel

"Alex, let me in" his voice is low and he's rushing out words- what the hell is going on?

I open the door wider and let him walk in and once the door's closed over he starts talking again "Your thighs, have they healed up!?"

"Uh? Yeah, a lot, why? Daniel is everything alright-"

He shakes his head "A patient called Adam got hold of Jessica's blade and cut too deep, they found him unconscious in the bathroom. He's been taking to the hospital Alex.. They'll probably come check you, they're checking everyone- are they healed enough that they could be passed off?"

I shake my head when he gestures to my thighs "I've been in here for over two weeks now, they're healed but not that healed"

"They're going to find out Alex, and ask you where you got it. Tell the truth, it'll get you in a lot less trouble- alright? I'm only here to give you the heads up"

I sigh, running my hand through my hair and he looks me over, worried "Alex, it'll be okay-"

"You don't get it Dan, I've lasted three days without even considering cutting! I'm going to get kept in here for longer to talk about a mistake I made!" I growl, the anger inside me building and he pulls me into a hug

"Whatever happens, happens. They'll let you out when they think you're ready- now I need to go before I get caught tipping you off, tell the truth, alright?"

I nod "Thank you Dan, I appreciate it"

I sit back on my bed and wait, I feel like a prisoner waiting for a death sentence- I'm going to get punished over one stupid mistake I made days ago. The past few days have been really good, I'm talking to Brooke more- things were starting to get that little bit easier and now this.

xx

"Brooke it was days ago!" I tell her, pacing her office as she questions me harder about the cuts "I made a mistake"

"In hindsight you did. At the time you didn't think it was a mistake- at the time you needed it. You wanted to feel that blade break your skin, you wanted to watch your blood drip from the self-inflicted wounds- you wanted release, and instead of talking you did this. From now on, we're going to shift our attention off your flashbacks. I want you to have a way of dealing with your urges to self harm in a positive way"

I let out a frustrated scream "You're not listening! I told you I don't want to do it! I know now that I can talk-"

"So, if I handed you a blade, you can honestly tell me you wouldn't want to make just one small cut? A little something to make you feel better"

My resolves are breaking slightly, honestly if she handed me a blade I don't know what I'd do. Right now I don't need to cut but if it's the only opportunity I'd get passing it up might be harder than I expect

"Honestly I don't know Brooke what I'd do if you handed me that blade but I know that I feel like I had an option"

She looks confused by my statement and I scowl slightly as I think of ways of rephrasing it, it made sense in my own head.

"An option. I-I.. Before I came in here if somebody had handed me a blade I'd have just made a cut, no second thought. Now, I wouldn't. I have the option not to do it. Am I making any sense at all?" I sigh, angry at my lack of ability to describe what I mean- Brooke nods as she fills herself a glass of water

"No, I understand what you mean, you're right, you are showing signs of improvement. So you wanna tell me what caused you to do them?"

I shake my head, staying silent and this intrigues her further "Alex, talking to me is the only way you're going to be able to get better"

"Fine! Fine! I needed to do it- I felt horrible! This place was trapping me, I wasn't talking to Casey, I assumed Casey was talking about me behind my back to everyone, I didn't feel good enough for her- I wanted to do it"

"You feel trapped here?" She questions and I nod

"I wish I could leave. I want to go home and be with Casey"

I do, I want to get out of here and go home. I know now after everything I'd really be okay if I went home.

"Okay I'm going to be brutally honest here- you can't stand being here because you're away from Casey. My opinion is that you have your issues trusting her and that makes being away from her harder. You're afraid that life is going on without you- that Casey is carrying on without you"

I bite my lip "Casey isn't doing anything without me. She loves me"

"I don't dispute that Alex but you have your trust issues- you can't tell me you don't worry about what she's doing without you"

I nod and run my hand through my hair "Alright, yeah okay I worry about Casey but it's not worry that she'll run off with somebody else"

"It's not? So what is it then?" she asks, obviously surprised by my answer and I shake my head

"It's Casey and how she's dealing. This is hitting her hard Brooke, I want us to be a real couple and the pressure on us is intense.. And she misses me a lot when I'm here. I'm worried she won't talk to me about how she's feeling"

"I know it's hard for you Alex but you need to put a little bit of faith in her, if she's struggling, now, after everything, I have confidence in Casey that she'd come to you"

"Hopefully"

xx

"I got a puppy from the pound" Casey says into the phone later that night and I smirk

"A puppy? Casey, I thought you were sick, walking to the pound was not a good idea- what kind of puppy?" She chuckles and let's out a heavy cough as she does- she sounds terribly sick

"I am sick and she's made me feel better- she's a Jack Russell"

I giggle a little "Well I'm glad she's there for you, so c'mon tell me about her"

"She's nearly all white- with the exception of a couple of faded brown patches near her ass"

I roll my eyes "Lower back sweetheart, sounds a little less vulgar.."

"I haven't picked a name yet, I have no clue- what's a good name for a bitch?"

"Abbie" I tease causing Casey to laugh

"I'll tell 'er you said that- have you got a serious suggestion? I can't let her run around nameless for much longer" I hear the puppy barking in the background and smile, I'm really happy Casey got the puppy- someone to keep her company

"Well, you said she had some patches on her back, at the risk of sounding very cliché how about something like Spot?"

"Spot" she muses "she seems like a Spot- ugh, I can't wait for you to see her. She's picked up your sent around this place already, well she would do when she's sleeping on your side of the bed"

"She's what?!" I exclaim and Casey hysterically laughs, coughs mixed in

"Oh baby, calm down. She's in a dog bed beside ours"

'Ours'

I bite my lip and smile shyly, she still thinks of it as our home.

When I leave here I'll have a home, a safe place with somebody waiting who loves me- and now Spot. A dog! Never in my life did I think I'd have a wonderful partner and a dog.

It's funny how things work out isn't it?

"I can't wait to come home and see her Case, see you both properly"

"It'll be soon sweetheart, sooner than you think"


	27. Chapter 27

I stomp out of therapy, feeling rather like a moody teenager. Well, when you get treated like a child you have the right to act like one. I told Brooke that Casey was finally over her bug and was calling in today. She asked if I'd told her about the cutting yet- I told her I haven't and things went downhill from there.

Brooke told me that the only way I can get better is by feeling like I can talk to Casey even after something like this. I told her I'd really prefer not to say anything and she basically said if I don't say anything, the centre will have to give her a 'progress report' and disclose the relevant information.

Blackmail is a low-blow.

It's not really blackmail though is it? I mean, Casey does have the right to know how I'm doing, she's my emergency contact in case anything happens to me. She has the right to these 'progress reports', according to Brooke.

She should know how I'm doing I guess.. still. I'm not happy that I have to tell her about this. I've gone from being excited about the visit to absolutely dreading it. Talking about this is hard, especially to her. I don't want to make her angry or disappoint her.

I get to the bedroom and find her sitting on my bed smiling up at me "Hey baby- woah, you don't look happy"

"I need to talk to you" I tell her straight out and she all of a sudden looks very serious

"O-Of course, baby, sit down" she pats the bed beside her and I shake my head

"I'd prefer to stand. Okay, ya know the way I was.. all messed up, I-I said we should break up and I stopped you coming in" I look up and meet her eyes, which don't look as bright as when I walked in

"Uh.. Y-Yeah" she stutters and I pace, lowering my eyes to the carpeted floor as I continue

"Well, at that time I- uh.. got hold of a blade and cut-"

"-what?!" She breathes out and I bite down hard on my lip, I hate that I have to tell her this. She's going to be so angry.

"I-I'm sorry, okay and like I told Brooke it was a mistake to do it. I-I was just struggling so much and I thought it'd help me- I know now that it was wrong I shouldn't have done it but at the time I felt like I had to. I didn't feel good enough for you- I thought you deserved better and it all built up for me. I'm sorry I let you down- please don't be mad"

"Look at me" she says sternly and I worry silently I've made her angrier than I thought I would. I drag my eyes up from the ground and when I notice her crying I feel worse than before

"I-I-" I try to talk to her but I can't get my words out and she gets off the bed and makes her way over to where I am

"You know it was wrong, you regret doing it Alex it's written all over your face. Do you really feel that being in here is making you better? I mean- how did you even get a fucking blade!-"

I shake my head, bringing my hand up to touch her cheek "Nobody knew, no doctors- someone snuck it in.. desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. I am really sorry Casey"

She tightens her arms around my waist and I bury against her shoulder "Listen to me Alex, stop apologizing. I'm not upset with you, I'm not angry, I'm not disappointed- sure I'm worried but that's only because I care so much about you. How did the doctors find out? Did you tell somebody?"

"No" I admit "I couldn't say anything, I'd be getting people into trouble for giving me the blade- one of the guys got the blade and cut too deep, he had to go to hospital- he was okay after everything but we all got checked for cuts. I showed Brooke mine before anybody asked me to"

"Where are they?" She asks, trying subtly, or not so subtly, to check my arms and I gesture to my thighs

"You wanna see?" I ask quietly and she kisses me before shaking her head

"No, I don't need to check up on you" she says aloud, it sounds more like she's trying to convince herself than telling me "i-if they were infected or weren't healing properly though you'd tell somebody wouldn't you? I don't want you getting sick"

I nod, smiling softly at her ability to pull back and have confidence in me to do the right thing.

"How's Spot?" I ask, making her smile

"Oh.. she's-uh good one little thing, she may have gotten her little paws on your grey hoodie and now well, it's kinda just a hood"

I laugh against her "Thank you for that- really appreciate you using my hoodie as her chew toy"

She protests profusely at her giving the puppy my clothes and as I listen to her laughing and cutting away from the protests to tell me about something else harmful the playful pup had done I can't help but think to myself how natural it feels- I'm not tense, on edge. It feels good with Casey, better than before.

Things have really changed with me.

When exactly did that happen?

xx

"Brooke, when can I leave?" I ask her after dinner that evening as I walk into her office and she looks up to me a little surprised at the question

"Well, you entered here willingly, by law you can sign yourself out whenever you want but a psych clearance would probably be nice" she notes, gesturing for me to sit onto the couch opposite her "why? Has something happened?"

"I've realized my improvement. Brooke, I really think I could go home- I mean obviously I'd have to go back seeing somebody again, I'd be naïve to think I could just walk out of here fully cured but with a therapists support and of course Casey's- I know things could be okay" I smile brightly, a real smile, I never thought I'd be able to confidently say something like that to a therapist

"Alex, I don't want you to get too far ahead of yourself, alright? I cannot stop you if you want to leave but I think you should really think about this, think of how you'd handle a particularly bad flashback if you were home and didn't have a professional on hand like here- would you open up to Casey? Honestly."

"It'd be really hard to talk to her, but I'd need to do it. I can't cut anymore, I don't need to. I know Casey would rather I talk- so I should at least do that for her, and myself"

"You adore that woman- everything is for her best interests, then your own, it's good that you have someone like that in your life" Brooke hesitates, then nods to herself and continues "Okay Alex, I think going home might me a great step for you to take, as you said though you do need to keep up therapy outside of here. Leaving here will be difficult for you, even if you think it won't be"

I nod, knowing she's right, it'll be a big change going back home. I'll be away from medical professionals, with the exception of seeing my therapist again and I won't have that constant stability- but I'll have a different kind of stability. Casey is there for me and even more importantly I'm fully letting her be there for me.

"It'll be difficult but I have a really good feeling Brooke"

"Alright then" she nods, smiling slightly "if you feel capable I can't dispute you, I mean you're practically radiating happiness. If you're very sure you're ready to leave well then Alex, I'll say as long as you keep up the therapy you can be signed out"

"Honestly? Oh God, Brooke thank you so much!" I can't actually believe she's willing to sign off on me going home!

"I know you had that cutting issue but I think with time that will work out. I'd recommend you go back to the therapist you were seeing before coming here, I'll forward her on the files I've taken if you decide to go back to her and she can help you progress on even further-" Brooke says, as she gathers up the files she mentioned forwarding to Doctor Scott "I don't think being away from home is the answer for you anymore. You can deal with flashbacks better now and with Casey's help you can only improve"

"I agree" I smile and chuckle to myself, I can really improve. Going home and being with Casey will actually make things better.

"Well then, I'll start filing in the paperwork, how about tomorrow morning when Casey comes in you call me down, I'll come and talk to you both before you go. Pack up tonight" she smiles "Enjoy your last night here Alex"

Oh I so will.

xx

"Dan, I'm here to say goodbye" I smile softly at the dark haired man who's face falls

"You're leaving?" he asks, shock mixed in with sadness and I nod, walking towards the bench he's sitting on

"I am. Brooke cleared me to go- thank God and well, I wanted to spend my last night here with my buddy"

I sit in beside him and wrap my arm around his shoulder "I'm gonna miss you, ya know that Dan. You've been so good to me in here, let me talk when I needed to- cry too. Thank you for being such a great friend to me"

"Yeah well you were around for me too, I talked to you about Annabelle and everybody- I've really appreciated you being around too. I'm really going to miss you too Alex" he sighs sadly and I press a gentle kiss to his cheek

"I can visit ya know? Just because I'm not here anymore doesn't mean I won't call back" I tell him and I mean it, I will call back and see him, I'll have to.

"I'd really appreciate it, you know yourself I don't get many visitors so having you call would be nice" he smiles and I slip my hand into his, squeezing it

"We'll keep in contact Dan. I'll make a point of it- but right now I need to go pack, that room looks like a bomb site, I kinda forgot I don't actually live here"

He chuckles and nods in agreement "I was considering painting my place, that yellow is such an ugly colour"

"Oh yeah, far too bright- too happy- place should be painted black" I tease sarcastically as I stand off the bench "I'll call and see you in the morning before I go okay?"

He nods and stands, pulling me into a hug "Take care of yourself Alex, okay, don't do anything stupid and land yourself back in here. You have a good life- now. That woman of yours is pretty smokin'-"

"Hey!" I protest and he smirks but continues

"You deserve to be happy, you can't be properly happy in here. Keep out, alright?"

"I'll try my best"


	28. Chapter 28

I walk out of the clinic with Casey's hand squeezing mine firmly and a beaming smile on her face "I can't wait to have you home" she says and I lean over and press a kiss to her lips, a proper kiss and when we both pull apart, breaths labored slightly, I smirk at her

"I can't wait to be home. How's Spot? No more feeding her my clothes?"

She shakes her head, throwing my case into the backseat of her car "No, I managed to train her a little bit actually"

"Oh? Is she playing dead and giving paws already?"

"Uh- no, but on the plus side she's not eating the couch anymore"

I raise an eyebrow "Anymore? Case, how much damage has our puppy done?"

"Nothing that wasn't me mendable" she smirks as she starts the car and I smile inwardly, God knows what I'll be walking back to

xx

I slide the keys into the lock and as I turn them it feels like I've never left. It's like the events of the last month have been a dream, a fading memory.

I step over the threshold and the second I do I hear the yipping of our very small new addition. Casey beams as she picks the puppy up into her arms and 'introduces' us. Seeing how happy Casey is around the adorable Jack Russell makes me smile too, she's so at ease. Animals really do bring out the best in people

"So, what d'ya think?" She asks patting the puppy affectionately and I nod, joining in

"I think you made a really good choice, she's really cute and she doesn't hate me- most animals I'm have contact with tend to hate me."

I chuckle to myself remembering the animals in the past, they were not funny at the time but in hindsight they were.. interesting experiences "Abbie had a cat when she lived in the city- the thing literally hissed at me every time I came to her apartment, Casey had to put her in another room. When we went to Elliot's house for the SVU barbecue day thing Elliot's dog nearly mauled me.. Animals tend to despise me"

Casey scratches behind Spots ears, causing her to make a noise that resembles purring. Do puppies purr? I don't think so.. Well, I've never really been around puppies so I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure only cats purr

"She loves you just as much as I do, as I said she picked up your scent around this place, she knows you belong here" her voice is so full of emotion and I know she'll need to stop before I start crying

"I love you too" is all I can manage to whisper out through my tears and Casey let's Spot down onto the floor to run curiously around me and my luggage- and eventually the apartment again

Her arms close around my hips and pull me flush against her, my nose burying against the hair resting at the nape of her neck "Welcome home 'Lexi"

"Thank you" I breathe out and she shifts, moving her head to allow her lips press to my neck leaving open mouth kisses to my skin

"You know it's alright to cry?" She says between kisses and I nod, I do. I can cry in front of her, let my guard down more- she's not my Father she won't hurt me

I feel her thumbs brush away my rapidly falling tears and I offer her a watery smile in return, it's not out of happiness, it's more a thank you because I honestly don't think I could even say that to her without sobbing harder

"You're so beautiful" she tells me "God, it's only now that I have you back that I realize how much I actually missed you. It's like half of myself was gone and I hated it" she admits and I know she didn't mean to say all of that aloud, she just did, she got it off her chest- I need to do the same

"Being away from you killed me. I was constantly worried about you- Abbie told me how hard you were taking it being away from me and honestly I spent most of my time thinking of you. I got better not only for myself Casey but for you too. I really needed you and I knew if I didn't get better I'd drive you away, eventually"

She realizes the difference in me, I'm talking, being honest about my feeling. I'm not trying to bottle everything up. She kisses my cheek

"Well you're home now and you're so much better, you have a spark in you Lexi, one I didn't realize you had"

"You must bring it out in me" I tell her with a wink- a wink! Jesus, that place really has helped me!

"You feel up to going out for dinner?" she asks and I hesitate, thinking it over, giving her the opportunity to add "it's okay if you aren't, chilling out here with take out will be as nice"

She really means it, she just wants to be around me. I shake my head and cup her cheek "I'd love to go out for dinner, I wanna unpack and shower then I'll get ready"

"Shower?" She quirks an eyebrow suggestively and I giggle, offering a lob-sided smile as I grab my case to take to our bedroom

"Yes, and you are very welcome to join me if you'd like?" I offer, to Casey's surprise.

She shakes her head after a second "I'd like to politely decline that amazing offer darling- I want the first time I touch you to be perfect, not just fumbling for an orgasm in the shower"

"You're going to make me cry again if you keep saying things like that" I tell her as I turn to walk down the hall "Thank you though. Just to let you know, it'll be perfect anyway- it's you"

I walk away before she gets the chance to reply and when I get to the bedroom door I wipe my tear filled eyes again. Coming home has been even more perfect than I expected it to be.

xx

I listen as I pull on my dress in the steam-filled bathroom and I hear the unmistakeable sound of country music blaring from our bedroom, Casey singing along. I smirk thinking back to the morning in Casey's study with Sarah looking for that cute cowgirl photo of Casey

I wonder how Robert and Sarah are actually. I'll have to invite them to stay again soon

I wipe the steam off the mirror and begin doing my make up when I notice Casey's singing something about alcohol.. Captain Morgan and Piña Coladas. She's not bad from what I can hear over the vocals of the man and the music. A karaoke bar should be considered in the future as a date site, definitely.

The 'alcohol song' (as I've named it) ends and another begins, one that really catches my attention. It's by the same man, I can tell, but it's so different. It tells a beautiful story of a couple- a woman who's husband died which resulted in her taking her own life- I've picked that up after the first chorus.

"If you go down by the water, you'll see her footprints in the sand.." I hear through the door and I open it a little more, I can see the attraction to this music, it's beautiful.

"You wanna join in or only watching the concert?" I notice the songs finished and Casey's directing her question to me

"Sorry.. I really liked that song- you're an excellent singer. Your Mom was right, you are a little cowgirl"

Casey's eyes widen as the blush rises in her cheeks "I-I.. uh.. what exactly has my mother been telling you?"

"Look at you all embarrassed" I note aloud, smirking "She didn't just tell me by the way- I saw you as a cowgirl"

"She had the photo albums out?! Christ, when did this happen?" she's really embarrassed and to be honest that makes her cuter

"They day you nearly lost an arm" I tease about the motorbike incident and Casey groans

"If I knew that's what she'd have done while I was gone I'd never have left" she mumble fixing her hair up in the mirror and I walk over and wrap my arms around her from behind

"You were a very cute cowgirl, you shouldn't be embarrassed and I really enjoy your music choices"

I mentally curse my mother for the whole classical training thing, I wish I grew up with music like this, any music that wasn't what I actually grew up with. I missed out on a lot of growing up in that household- yet, ironically, I had to become a woman very fast when I left that house.

I need to stop thinking about it. Just go out and enjoy tonight with Casey, your family now.

"-'Lexi? Everything okay?" I realize she's turned in my arms, leaving us face-to-face

I nod quickly, snapping out of my head "Yeah, uh- I'm fine. Sorry, I zoned out a little bit. So you wanna tell me where we're going tonight?" I ask her and she smiles, kissing my cheek

"It's a small Italian place near the centre of the city- 'Gino's'- Abbie suggested it, it's not my fault if it's crappy"

"Italian is never really crappy- unless you kill a pizza with pineapple"

Her jaw drops and she stands back a little "I'm sorry, you don't eat Hawaiian pizza?"

"Nope!- is that a deal breaker?" I ask smiling and she shrugs

"It would be if you weren't as beautiful and amazing as you are- I guess I can compromise on the fruity pizzas"

"Let's go, I'm starving! I'm that hungry right now I may even eat a whole pineapple pizza"

"Wow, you must be starving...maybe I'll carry you in case you collapse from light-headedness?" She offers her arms and I hop into them bridal style

"I could get used to this" I say wrapping my arms around her neck and I don't just mean the carrying- I mean how at ease I am. Everything is just so comfortable. For once I'm completely comfortable around somebody.

This really is a wonderful change.


	29. Chapter 29

I'm woken up, again, to a very excited Spot up running along out bed, barking happily and occasionally licking my cheek

"She wants to go out" I mumble, throwing my hand back to slap Casey's side "your turn" I tell her and she groans

"I brought her last time"

"You didn't" I refresh her memory, I was up at 7am to bring her out- it's now somewhere around 11 and she wants to go again "I brought her in the early hours- go, before she pees on the bed"

She drags herself out of bed, throws on a tracksuit and lifts the excitable dog off the bed, leaving me relaxed in peace.

I listen as Casey leaves the apartment with the puppy and I smile to myself against the duvet, I'm enjoying this, it's like we have a baby and we're taking shifts with it. She is our little baby I guess.

This is a huge thing for me, this relationship, I've never felt like this, so safe and cared for, so loved, trusted- it's just so comfortable with Casey now. I have complete faith in her. I believe that she won't hurt me, I really do. I really love her and I have confidence in her.

She's my partner and I know no matter what I can go to her, I can open up to her. I don't need to be a different person around her, I don't need to hide away from her anymore.

"It's raining" I hear Casey announce from the door and when I sit up I notice she's soaked through

"Oh sweetheart" I can't hold back my giggle "get out of them before you catch a cold" I tell her and she scowls

"You sent me out in this" she gestures to her saturated clothes and I smirk

"It was your turn- and I didn't know it was raining" I stand out of bed and walk over to her, stripping off her soaked tracksuit piece by piece "You're beautiful" I toss her t-shirt to the ground and run my hand around the back of her neck and pull her face down to mine

I kiss her deeply and suddenly the wet clothes are forgotten, all we're both focused on is the passionate kiss. I move my hands up and run them through her damp hair as she pulls me in close. Our lips meet several times more, softer now and then she pulls back "Maybe going out in the rain has it's advantages- especially when you're kissing me like that"

"I'll kiss you like that whenever you want Case- actually, can we talk?"

She looks me over, seemingly very concerned at what I just said and I caress her cheek "I'm okay, I just wanna chat about us"

"That doesn't ease my mind at all" she sounds beyond nervous and I squeeze her hand

"Listen to me, okay? It's nothing to be worried about" I pause, offering her a smile to clarify my point "I want to talk about.. well- uh.. sex"

"Sex? Okay" she nods, listening intently to me

I take a deep breath, I honestly don't know what the best way to talk about this is. I mean, I can't just blurt it out and not explain the little thoughts niggling at me. No, I need to talk about this properly.

"Please don't look so worried Case" my attempt at reassuring her doesn't seem to work too well "okay, I just want you to know that I love you and I trust you Case- more than anything"

"-this sounds like I'm being handed off"

I shake my head, kissing her cheek as I lead her back to sit on the bed "Casey, you aren't. I'm trying to tell you that I want to do this with you, I want to- I'm just scared"

Her eyes lighten, the stress visibly leaves her "That's understandable" she tells me, running her hand over my thigh "You know, I don't want to force you. You take as long as you need-"

"That's the thing, I don't need to wait Casey- I trust you but- i-it's myself I don't trust. I don't know what'll happen when you touch me, I don't know if I'll get lost in my head- if he'll appear- if I'll be able to.." My eyes are focused on the bed sheets and Casey lifts my chin so our eyes meet

"Baby, neither of us know what's going to happen. As long as you feel comfortable we can work through everything else- and as long as you keep being honest with me Al"

"I will, I promise. Casey, things are so much better now, in my head. I feel even more comfortable with you. I know I can do this, I'm just.."

"I know you are. It's okay, alright? Everything will be work out"

I sit into her lap and wrap my arms around her "Thank you, I-I really needed that"

"Yeah well, I'm here-" a loud bark comes from the door across from us and we both laugh seeing Spot excitedly wagging her tail and looking to us

"I appreciate that baby- now I think we need to go be there for our baby" I gesture to Spot and Casey nods

"We should, she looks so attention deprived" she smirks and I take her hand walking down to the living room, Spot following along side

xx

"Dinner" Casey arrives to the living room with a tray in her hands, a rose placed along side a plate of spaghetti and I smirk

"How very romantic of you darling" I take the tray into my lap and she turns to walk back to the kitchen to get her own dinner, not before asking

"Wine?"

I nod and start into the meal "Yes please"

She walks back into the kitchen leaving me to think to myself, this is so sweet of Casey to do for me but honestly I do think that this dinner might be her way of romancing me before our relationship steps up- and I'm very very okay with that.

As she said last night, 'fumbling for an orgasm' in the shower isn't the right way to do this, I really think this is though. She's so amazing and I'd prefer this homemade dinner before we do 'up' our relationship rather than some lavish restaurant meal

She rejoins me on the couch, her tray in hand too "You like it?" she asks and I nod

"It's beautiful, did you add mint?" I ask and she nods

"Great tastebuds there baby"

The dinner goes along nicely, both of us engaging in small-talk, catching up on what I've missed with work and stuff while I was away. Casey tells me she confided in Liz about everything and I assured her it was fine because she's our boss, she deserves to know why one of her ADA's is missing from work.

After both of us sinking the bottle of wine I move in close to her, resting my arm on her shoulder "Case, this was all very romantic of you but I think now we should go to bed"

"I- uh... you're sure?" She sounds caught off guard, maybe this meal wasn't her romantic plan, either way it worked.

I've waited too long, I need to forget about him and finally let myself go, let my guard down and be happy. I can't sit in fear of flashbacks, if it happens, it happens and Casey will be there to support me and build me back up afterwards. I can really do this.

"I'm sure Casey, I want you- I can't let him ruin my relationships anymore, I want to let myself go- be happy"

"If anything feels wrong, promise me-" I cut her off with a quick kiss

"I promise you, if I begin to feel uncomfortable I'll stop you. C'mon, let's at least try?"

She nods, caressing my cheek "Let's go try then"


	30. Chapter 30

It takes forever to get down the hallway to the bedroom, admittedly our kisses impaired vision slightly and caused us to bump into a couple of things but once we get to the comfort of the bedroom I begin stripping her, as she does me. Clothes fall to our feet between kisses and once completely stripped I see the fire in Casey's eyes "Wow" she husks against my ear "you're so beautiful 'Lexi, stunning"

Her hands begin covering my body, unable to decide on one particular spot, they settle at the bottom of my back as we walk back to bed together. She lays me down against the cool sheets and smiles as she brushes my hair behind my ear "I love you"

"I love you too" I close my eyes as she presses kisses down my neck to my chest, this is so perfect. She's so happy, I'm happy. When I did this in the past, with the other women it's never felt like this. Never.

She's touching me and it makes me feel things I didn't ever think I could feel. Her fingers brush over my tight nipples and she whispers more compliments to me. She's so attentive, caring. She wants me to know it's her- that she's the one touching me. She's keeping me in the moment.

"Oh God" I groan from under her, suddenly I'm starting to feel very excited. There's a steady thumping between my legs, a beat that's almost as fast as my heartbeat and all I can notice is her harsh breaths- she's beyond aroused too. We're doing this together, this is actually working.

She moves down my body, peppering kisses as she goes- then she reaches my centre "Look at me 'Lexi, sweetheart" it takes all the energy I have but I lift my head and meet her eyes again. I watch her as she begins, her tongue darts out from between her lips and prizes open my already wet folds

"You're really-" she says against me and I nod

"I'm enjoying myself Case"

I'm not lying, I really am enjoying myself, she has turned this into an experience I enjoy. An experience I thought I'd never have. After everything I never thought I'd be so comfortable.

Her mouth gets to work quickly, gathering my wetness on her tongue and spreading it to my clitoris- Christ! The jolt of electricity the shoots through me at her touch to the sensitive bud makes my hips buck and my head fall back against the pillows- I moan her name as well as a couple of indistinct words, even to me. I feel like brains just melted, all I can focus on is the feeling of her tongue in me

I feel her hand move up to my hip and tap gently, catching my attention. I look down to her again and see the look her eyes, there's nothing she wants more than for me to be happy, safe comfortable. I'm focused on her, concentrated on her movements. She spends her time massaging my clitoris with her tongue- the feeling is nothing like anything I've ever encountered. She's building pressure inside me and I ball the sheets into my fists at the sensation "C-Casey.." I grit my teeth as she gently presses her teeth against my tensed clitoris "Oh! Case"

"Come on 'Lexi, it's okay, let yourself go"

I'm so close, the sensation is borderline uncomfortable- burning. I need to come, I can't lie here like this for much longer

"I-I don't know if I can" I breathe out, frustrated with myself- what's wrong? I want to-

"Let me try something" Casey offers reassuringly "stop me if you need to"

Her fingers move up into me, filling me up as she continues her movements against my clitoris. She moves her fingers slowly inside me and the combination of sensations finishes me off. She made me orgasm.

My head is bowed a little when Casey moves back up my body to press a kiss to my lips "Did you-?"

I nod but she notices now something's not right "'Lexi, what's wrong?" she asks, covering us both over with our duvet- which takes some effort because I'm not all that clued in and don't move as she's pulling the blanket from under us "Sweetheart- did you think of something- please look at me, I'm worried"

I feel the tears escape my eyes and I curse myself for ruining what was supposed to be a magical moment.

I look up to her and she realizes I'm crying "Al, baby, don't cry- please, tell me what's wrong?"

"You.. I couldn't..." I'm not making sense, she doesn't have a clue why I'm upset but it's right in my mind. I couldn't orgasm without her fingers- she was doing everything right, I wanted to come but I couldn't without her inside me!

I curl in close to her, clinging tightly and she just rocks me gently, stroking my hair. She doesn't know what's upsetting me, she probably thinks I've had a flashback or something. I don't really think this is much better, I had to feel her fingers in me before I'd come. Will that be every time? Did he fuck me up that much? That I need to feel that to orgasm!?

"I'm sorry" I mumble against her shoulder and I press a gentle kiss to her exposed skin

"Why sweetheart? What are you apologizing for?"

"I-I'm so screwed up" I sob and she moves down so we're facing each other

"You are not screwed up. Alex, we knew things wouldn't be easy with this- it's okay. Please Al, talk to me about what happened"

"Nothing happened" I tell her, a little harsher than I should "that's the point. Until you used your fingers I couldn't- a-and.. he messed me up Casey. I can't do this normally!"

She shakes her head, wiping away my tears "Sweetheart, a lot of women need penetration of some kind to orgasm- that's not because of him, it's just how you are. I am too"

"Really? So.. it's okay?" I ask, surprised- I feel a little better about myself now

"Of course it's okay Al. Listen to me, everything we did there was okay- I mean, it was normal. I know you're scared that he messed up your sexual experiences but look, you had an orgasm" she smiles, pressing a kiss to my cheek "now, you can start to move on from what he did to you and with time you won't need to be worried at all"

"I love you so much" I pull her in close to me and her hand moves along my back

"I love you too Al, God, I love you so much" she tucks the duvet around us with her free hand and I lie against her "you aren't screwed up, okay? Nothing about you is screwed up"

I'm completely spent so all I can really do is nod against her and mumble a thank you. She shifts me off her and I groan a little being away from her "Wher' ya goin'?" I ask and she presses a kiss to my forehead before throwing on a robe

"I'm gonna walk Spot so we don't have to get up at 3am to do it, I'm gonna lock up then I'll be back, okay?"

"I might be asleep" I tell her honestly and she tells me it's fine, that I should get some sleep.

She walks down the hall and I bury into my pillow and let my eyes fall shut, all-in-all tonight went well, a lot better than I think either of us expected it to.


	31. Chapter 31

Casey takes my hand as I walk out of Bianca's office that Friday and she smiles seeing me looking more happy than distressed, upset or withdrawn- like after most of my other sessions

"Hey baby, you okay?" she asks and I nod, kissing her

"I'm really good. Bianca reckons I've improved greatly and she only wants to see me once a month- unless I need her"

"Wow" Casey smiles opening the car door for me "Al, that's amazing! How do you feel about it?"

"Really great. I mean, this is wonderful. I've gotten much better Case, I never thought I'd feel like this with anyone"

She starts the car, still smiling and when we start the journey towards the apartment I pause, realizing something "Uh, actually Casey can we go to work?"

"Work?" She sounds surprised at the suggestion and she looks me over briefly

"Yeah- I wanna see if Liz is in. I know you covered it a little with her but I need to go to her myself and talk to her about everything- and I want to discuss coming back, if she'll take me"

Casey scoffs "If she'll have you back? Alex, I don't think you realize how missed you were- by me especially, and I mean that in a strictly work way"

That's nice to hear, I assumed everything would be running smoothly without me and I may not have been needed back especially. As Casey speaks about work though I notice the doubt, the uncertainty in herself "As lovely as it is to hear that I was missed darling, you really should have more confidence in yourself. You're an outstanding ADA and you don't need to depend on me"

"It's not depending on you per se" she explains as we drive towards the courthouse "I just, enjoy you being there. I can check things over, get your advice- it's nice to have you around and well, the office is lonely without you"

I smile, resting my hand against her thigh and squeezing gently "Well I'm back now- I'll offer all the advice you'd like now" I chuckle and we pull into the familiar car park

"You ready?" She asks me as the engine dies and I nod, standing confidently out of the car

"Let's go"

xx

"Y-You aren't coming in?" I stutter out when I notice Casey walking down the hall towards our office and she looks back to me

"I can if you need me to, I thought you'd want some privacy to talk to Liz?"

I nod, maybe she's right, it'll probably be easier to talk to Liz alone for now. I know Casey's there for me but if I have to go into a lot of detail it might be difficult to speak in front of her

"Yeah, you're right. I'll call down to your office when I'm done- uh, did you tell her we're together?"

Casey smiles, nodding "Of course I did- she's fine with it as long as we don't.. do anything at work- yes, that's what she said.. By the way- 'our' office, not mine"

I smile at her comment, I hadn't even realized I'd said it, it'll be our office officially again soon, hopefully "Okay, see you soon"

She leans back in close and kisses my cheek "You'll do great baby, Liz isn't just our boss, she's a friend- she cares about you. Don't look so nervous"

"I know, it's not exactly easy to talk about- I just don't want to look like an idiot if I cry-"

"I cried" she admits, almost nervously "when you went into the centre, I came and told her what was happening and why you wouldn't be in work. I cried Al, a lot"

"Really?" I bite my lip, worrying about her slightly. It was a lot for her to handle and I never really sat down with her to talk about how she handled everything.

"Really. Go Al, honestly Liz is there for you"

"Thanks Case"

I open up the door to the office after knocking gently and when I step inside the familiar office I smile a little, all the memories of this office- being shouted at for messing up, being built up after a tough case "You gonna come in Cabot or what?"

I'm startled slightly by her voice but I close over the door behind me and grin sheepishly at her "Hiya Liz, you alright?"

She closes over the file in front of her and gestures to the chair across from the desk "I'm great Alex, no problems at all. It's nice to see you here- how're you?"

"I'm okay- better than before" I sit into the chair opposite her and during a brief silence I fidget with the sleeve of my jacket

"Alex, you know it's alright to look at me don't you? I'm not judging you and you honestly look terrified of me right now"

I sigh knowing she's right, I am incredibly nervous about discussing this. I shift in my seat uncomfortably and then decide to just go for it, I'll need to talk to her eventually about it "-how much did Casey tell you Liz? I mean, what do I need to tell you?"

"Whatever you feel comfortable with" she meets my eyes "can I just say though Alex, congratulations on the relationship with Casey. Glad she finally grew a pair and told you how she feels"

I smile, chuckling below my breath "Yeah well we were both hiding our true feelings for a while- it's really great now that we're as close as we are"

"She treat you alright?" Liz asks to my surprise, why wouldn't Casey treat me alright?

"O-Of course she treats me well.. why? What makes you think she wouldn't?" I'm still shocked by her question, has Casey said something to her to make her think she wouldn't-

"Just checking up, I care about you Alex and I want to make sure Casey is right for you- I thought you'd say that though, I always got the impression she'd be very loving"

"Like when she's with victims" I think back over the cases we've worked together, she's so caring and supportive. "I know for a fact I'd never have made it through everything without her Liz- she's been so good to me- okay, well I'm going to talk to you now about everything because if I don't I'll back out"

Liz nods mutely, giving me my own time to gather my thoughts and talk to her, why is this so hard? I've discussed this now with so many people you'd think bringing it up would get easier? I guess when it's people you know well and respect it's hard to let your guard down

"As a kid I was abused sexually- by my father" I'm wringing my hands as subtly as possible, I don't want her to think I'm uncomfortable talking to her especially, it's just a horrible topic to discuss "It went on for years- and as a teenager when I finally worked up the nerve to tell I got pressured to change my story by my mother, I didn't do it, my father got jail time and my mother kicked me out"

I look up to Liz, hoping she isn't completely disgusted-or shocked-by what she heard and I'm surprised to see tears in her eyes "Alex.." she breathes out in what would seem like pity but I know better, the woman is in a stunned silence. Thinking of the cases she hears everyday, situations like mine I assumed she'd be able to handle her emotions a little better- not that it's a bad thing. Really shows she cares.

"Things have been tough, I've barely been living before I met Casey. Liz, she has literally made everything better, she's helped me so much with things I was sure I'd be stuck with for life. I'm so happy and safe with her.." I take a deep breath, my own eyes starting to water, I kinda wished I wouldn't cry.

"You never mentioned anything Alex. Not a word. That must've been so hard on you, the cases-"

I cut her off, as loving as the statement is it's incorrect "Actually, if I saw a victim in the same situation as me, especially young girls- I'd work my hardest to get them justice- I'd throw myself into the cases, look for everything- think of every possible scenario. I assured worried mothers that their children would be okay, that things will get better once they support their children" I pause, taking a mouthful of the whiskey Liz has poured since we've started this conversation- thank God for small blessings

"Honestly?" I continue, "I think if my mother supported me I would've been a much more stable person. Cases like my own didn't make me worse, they helped me build domestic situations for victims that I dreamed of having as a teenager. I made a difference and that's what helped me most when working here, knowing I'd protect an innocent child from the ordeal I went through"

Liz drinks her own whiskey, not just a mouthful like me- which burned like hell by the way- she drinks the whole amount poured "Well Christ, if anyone deserves a promotion it's you"

I laugh, shaking my head "I love where I am in work Liz, with Casey- as long as that won't be a conflict of interest I'd like to stay"

"As I told Novak, stay where you are once you both act professional during hours of work and no sex in the office"

"Believe me, that won't be happening"

Liz hums skeptically "We'll see- you wouldn't believe how frequent carry on like that happens in this place- a couple of weeks ago I caught Abbie Carmichael, who isn't even employed here anymore, with one of my secretaries"

I hold back a laugh, of course Abbie was hard at work when she came to the city! Nothing new "That seems like typical Abs" I smirk at Liz who's jaw drops

"You know something don't you? What did she do when she worked here- wait, do I even want to know?"

"Probably not.. especially if you want to relax comfortably in your office again" she looks horrified, I've never seen the woman looked as creeped out as she does now

"S-She did.. something in my office?!" Liz is on the verge of tears again and I burst out laughing

"No, of course she didn't! She didn't have a death wish! I mean she used most flat surfaces in her office, boardrooms and occasionally bathrooms but Christ never in here- your face though was so worth it"

"Keep making jokes like that and see where it gets you" she teases playfully and the conversation turns back to me, the atmosphere switching away from our playful one "Alex, I really appreciate you coming to me about this, I know it was hard on you. Listen, okay? If you need some more time off, if you ever need a break I want you to let me know- you're a damn good ADA and I don't want to lose you. If you ever find you're struggling personally- even if you just need to talk- my doors always open"

"And I really appreciate that Liz, more than you can imagine. I want to come back soon, maybe next week if everything goes to plan, is that alright with you?" I ask the older woman, who's eyes shine with happiness at the thought of me being back

"That's absolutely perfect Alex. I'll be delighted to have you back- we all will"


	32. Chapter 32

AN: So this is the last chapter of the story! I just want to thank you all for your support the whole way though it and I'm really glad you all enjoyed it so much! I hope you all like the ending!

xx

"You know you look beautiful Alex" I hear Casey tell me from the door and I check myself over in the mirror again, my deep purple sleeveless-dress shouldn't being worrying me, especially with the progress I've made over the last year but even the well healed gashes cause me to worry slightly "You shouldn't worry, it's only me"

"It's our anniversary Casey, you're sure I look okay?-"

She shakes her head, her flowing curls brushing against her shoulders "Woman, I wish you'd listen to me. There's only so many times I can tell you how astoundingly beautiful you look, how even just a glance of you in that dress makes my heart race- you look just as gorgeous now as you do every minute of everyday. Please, come- or we'll be late for dinner"

"What have I told you about making me cry" I blink away the tears from my watery eyes and she walks up behind me, her arms looping around my waist

"You still look beautiful, but I must insist you look beautiful and walk- I don't want to be late"

I turn in her arms, pressing a kiss to her lips "Miss impatient, let's go then" I smirk pulling away from her and she catches my hand as we walk out of the bedroom our new, bigger apartment- bigger than her last place, believe me it was hard to come by but we got one and bought it, both of us chipping in money saved- I didn't have much, definitely not as much as Casey had but I put enough in to not feel like I'm mooching off her, this place is ours.

We've been in the new place, closer to her parents, for just under a month and honestly it feels like home already. I'm pretty sure anywhere would feel like home once I had Casey with me. Tonight she's taking me out for the anniversary of our real first date- she told me she has something really special planned and I don't doubt her in the slightest, she's been pacing the kitchen all day, glued to her phone- if I didn't know better I'd say she has something bigger planned that what I'm expecting.

I hate surprises. It's killing me not knowing what's happening.

We sit into the car and she takes off, driving back towards the city- where could she be taking me in the city? Well there's Gino's I guess but that's kind of a frequent dining area for us now, I don't know why she'd be making such a fuss over that?

"Casey, where are we going?" I ask after another ten minutes of taking side roads and not towards the city

"Now who's impatient" she teases and I smirk, shaking my head

"Fine, I'll wait- I was only wondering"

Luckily my question is answered maybe five minutes later when we pull up at Casey's 'happy place' - her unnamed park.

"You got me dressed up for the park at night" I deadpan and she bites her tongue, obviously I'm grating on her slightly- or majorly. Oh shoot me, I'm excited for my one year anniversary with a girlfriend! I don't know why the hell we're here though.

She parks the car and hops out, running around to open up my door for me "How very chivalrous" I note and press a kiss to her cheek as she closes in the door

"I live to please"

She offers me her arm, which I take and we walk in the side-gate of the picturesque park. The stars shine brightly overhead as we walk through the fields, I assume towards to the place she first took me when I moved in- in that moment I'm extremely glad I decided to wear my black flats instead of heels, I never would've made this walk in heels- Casey would for sure be carrying me

We walk out through the trees, managing to stay relatively clean and when I take in the sight in front of me I gasp "Oh Case.."

There are small antique iron lamps, with candles flickering in them scattered around the spacious area and a small table sits in the centre of the grassy area, set for a meal "Okay how the hell did you pull this off!" I twirl around to a smug looking Casey who just kisses me

"I had a little help from a friend, don't worry we can call and thank her tomorrow"

We walk to the table and I see the meals being kept warm with a silver covering "How long have these been here?" I ask as we sit together and she smiles, pouring me some wine

"About three minutes?"

"How?!" I look around the dimly lit forest-area "Is somebody here? Casey-"

"Abbie was leaving as we walked down, she was making sure nothing bad happened while we weren't here and she tended to the food" she lifts the heat-holding cover, revealing the mouthwatering meal, her pan-fried spiced chicken and rice. She has everything planned, hasn't she?

"God that looks gorgeous" I breathe out, "the amount of effort you put into this Casey it's amazing-"

"You're worth it, now eat up before it goes cold"

The meal tastes as beautiful as it looks- as usual. Her cooking really is faultless now, over the last year both of our cooking skills have developed- hers more than mine because of the effort she puts in.

We chat during the meal, work, friends, her family being the popular topics of conversation but I notice little things in her, she has something planned, she's fidgety, uneasy- it's unnerving.

"You okay?" I ask her as I pour her another large glass of wine, let's face it she looks like she needs it- that and about three additional bottles

"No. I'm really not okay, I've got something I need to talk to you about and I really can't wait any longer"

She sounds.. weird. Yes, that's the best my elaborate vocabulary can come up with- weird.

"A-Alright, go for it I guess" I sound nervous, what the hell is going on, I've never seen her like this, she's shifty.

"I love you Alex, more than anything. I-I have for a while now, even before we got together just over a year ago, I knew I loved you- of course I was never going to tell you that straight away, you would've ran for the hills" we both laugh together and her hand slips into my across the table "Things were beyond difficult for you, for both of us because Al, I hated seeing you go through so much pain, upset. I wished I could just make everything better straight away- but I couldn't. We waited it out, we stuck together and thankfully everything worked out. Well, the thing is lately, over the past couple of months I got to thinking and, I've realized I'd really like it if we stuck together, permanently" I notice her eyebrow quirk and my heart hammers in my chest- this sounds like-

I'm frozen, I can't move, talk anything and she drops to one knee slipping a ring box from her jacket pocket "I want to share the rest my life with you Al, I want you to marry me, make me the happiest woman alive- please

And the tears start again, I've turned into a sobbing mess from happiness- to the extent where my 'yes' comes out along with a strangled sob from my throat- she obviously understands it because in a flash she's off her knee slipping the beautiful engagement ring onto my finger. I catch her tear soaked cheeks in my hands and pull her into a kiss- wow. Explains tonight's fidgety behavior I guess. Yeah, like I'd say no to her, I'm not that crazy.

"I was terrified" she admits, sitting into my lap and I wrap my arms around her waist

"Can't believe you thought I'd say no- how'd I do that to you Case? I'd be one big idiot to turn you down"

She takes my ringed hand into hers, looking it over "It fits perfectly... we're engaged"

I laugh, shaking my head "You asked, I imagined that wouldn't be a massive surprise to you"

"It's still sinking in- you're going to be my wife. I'm astounded at how the hell I managed that! You're so perfect.." She tells me her voice so full of love and I trace my hand through her curled hair, my fingers tangling into it at the ends

"Me? Casey, I'm nothing without you. You took me from one of the lowest points of my life and built me up to where I am now. I'm only as perfect as I am because that's how you made me feel"

She kisses my neck, resting her head against my shoulder "I love you so much Alex"

"I love you too Case"

xx

I jump out of bed hearing the God-awful thumping on our apartment door and Casey stops me running out "What if it's a deranged killer?"

"I don't think they usually knock" I offer and she rolls her eyes

"Good point- just check the peep hole"

It's sweet how protective she is over me but I don't think any deranged killers are beating down our door- no, I have a much more plausible suggestion to who this probably is. The one person apart from Case who knew what was planned for last night and is dying to find out if it went as planned

I rush down the hall to the door and smile hearing her southern voice curse me through the door

I answer, smiling when I see how excited she looks "Hey Alex! Well! Don't keep me in suspense! Will ya be Missus Novak?!" she's like a child on Christmas morning as she rushes in the door and I smirk at her and show her my hand

She squeals- Abbie squeals, that's the most feminine sound I've heard from the usually quite butch woman "Oh my God! Alex! You're engaged! You're gonna be a wife!"

"I know!" I squeal a little too and she pulls me into a hug which develops into the two of us happily jumping up and down in an embrace

This lasts for about half a minute- until Casey clears her throat behind us. We pull apart and Abbie smirks at Casey "Told ya she'd say yeah"

"That you did- thank you for all your help yesterday Abs, I would never have gotten all that sorted alone"

"It wasn't a problem! As long as I see blondie up the isle it was worth it" I smirk at her, shaking my head

"Hey, how about we all go out for a celebratory breakfast?" I offer and Casey slips her arm around my waist

"Great idea, we'll only be about ten minutes Abs- make yourself at home- there's some coffee in there" she nods towards the kitchen and Abbie goes ahead making some coffee and we go back down to our bedroom, hand-in-hand smiling

I sit into the bed and she starts talking to me about what shirt she should wear out to breakfast.. I think- I'm a little zoned out. All that's been on my mind since last night is that I'm engaged, I'm going to be married to the most beautiful, kind, caring woman on the planet.

I was an absolute disaster when we got together, a train wreck and she saw beyond all that and fell for me.

Well, for once in my life things are working out amazingly. Things are normal. I never thought I'd have a normal life, I assumed after a disastrous childhood and it's affects into my adulthood that I'd never be able to have a stable life.

Casey's given me the one thing I've always wanted- a regular life, normality. A life I'm proud of, one really worth living.

"Hey- you okay?" her hand brushes up my thigh and my eyes snap up to meet hers

"Sorry?" I ask, shaking away my thoughts

"I asked if you were alright? You kinda zoned out a little"

"Oh. Yeah" I smile, leaning up and kissing her "I'm amazing Case. Just thinking about how amazing last night was"

-And how amazing the rest of our life together will be.

**_The End_**


End file.
